You [Don't] Care

It's been a while since I've thought about him.

Created by Saiyakublood on Saturday, June 26, 2010

I'm trying not to care about what happens to you, but every time I turn my back, something happens and I [regret] not telling you everything and anything I could. I'm so [sorry] that you didn't know, but it's probably better this way. Better that I'm not [there] to embarrass you, to make you [wish] I wasn't even there. That I never [existed]. That I was never [born]. Join the club. I'll watch you from the shadows, crying tears that no one's ever seen, that no one's ever known about, because I'm too [afraid] to let them inside. I would gladly show you them, if I just knew that you wouldn't [reject] me like everyone else. I'll watch you unravel and break apart just like I did so many years ago. I've known for years that my feelings for you were useless. That they wouldn't [matter], that they wouldn't [change] anything, that I was better off [not] loving you and just staying alone and cold, not caring. But I can't help but feel sorry for you, knowing that everything that happened to me, you saw. You saw through my mask, you knew something was more wrong than most people thought. You asked my [friends] about me, and they told you not to worry, because I was me, it was bound to happen. That I would be better the next day. But they never [knew] why I let it slide, why I [smiled]. It was because I didn't want them to worry. I was so [wrong]. I shouldn't have cared what they'd say or what they'd think because they didn't [care] either. I always thought that you didn't [notice] me, that I was [nothing] to you. I never told my friends that I was still in [love] with someone that I knew would never love me [back]. I never knew you asked about me, until it was too late. I think you liked me better when I was quiet, when I watched everyone instead of laughed and made a fool of myself. You were just like me, you were quiet, you didn't let anyone in, you were just like me. You only talked to your close friends, thinking they wouldn't betray you, but my friends talked to your friends, and your friends told them everything. I hope you understand one day, that when I suddenly changed, became so much more outgoing, so much [happier], that it was all a lie. That I didn't [want] to be like that. But I [had] to be like that. If I wasn't, then they would never stop watching me, they'd never stop judging me. You were like me, except people let you be quiet, they let you stay to yourself, because they liked you, they respected you, they loved you. They just wanted to break me open. Being quiet made you attractive, it made you mysterious. Being quiet made me odd, it made me a freak. It made me their game. Let's see who can crack her and break her to pieces. They knew that you were my weakness. When I wanted to be alone, and everyone teased me, threw things at me, you just sat there, minded your own business and let me be alone. When they told you I'd probably talk to you instead, I almost cried, not because I didn't want you to know, but because it was true. You told them to leave me alone, because that't what I wanted. That I'd talk when I wanted to, not when they made me. I almost cried then, because that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about me. You avoided the parties, the fun, and you got away with it, they never said anything to you. I tried to get away, and they called me a freak, stubborn, a loner. You understood me, but I never understood you. I always wondered, what it would be like, to be like you. Popular, good looking, everyone always wanting your attention, for you to praise them, for you to look at them and smile. Your smile. That was the one thing I could always understand. I knew when you smiled, it was usually forced. That like me, as soon as you turned, it dropped like it was never there. I knew you didn't like her, though she thought you did. I wanted to tell her, but I stopped, because you did the thing that no one else did. You tried not to let her know, you tried not to hurt her, no matter how much you hated her, how much you [acted] like you didn't [care], I knew you did. That deep down, you didn't want anyone to get hurt. I didn't want to break her heart, to break her fantasy, like they broke mine. Your eyes were another thing. They were so, cloudy, so conceiled. I could never see into them, just what they reflected. They were always so emotionless, even when you were working, doing things, playing, I never saw your emotions, just the emotions they reflected. I used to love being close to you, I felt special, living close to you. I loved to return things to you that came to my property, because I loved how you always smiled and joked around with me when I did. I loved how you were embarrassed. Or acted like it. I loved it because whenever you smiled at me, I had to smile back, not because I had to to seem friendly, but because your smile was so warm, so contagious, that it spread to my face and made me want to smile till my face cracked. That day you told me that you hadn't finished your work, that you needed me to stall, I agreed, we laughed and worked together. I realized I liked you. I wanted to help you and jumped at any chance to. She always got in my way. Said that she would help you, that you guys didn't need my help. I wish I could have. I wish I could have been your friend. I remember when I told you that he slapped me one day after school. I remember instead of laughing at me like everyone else had and did, you got mad. You told me that he was stupid and clumsy, that no man would hit a girl. I was so happy, I thought you cared. I remember I got hurt one day, and all the boys told me you were so mad at the guy that hurt me. I had to sit all day with a bag of ice to my face, and I was glad, because no one could see the blush on my face when the boys told me that. I began to wonder if you really did care. And my friends told me you didn't, that his best friend told them that he didn't care what happened to me. And I slowly lost all hope. Because you stopped talking to me, I tried to keep acting happy, to keep acting alright for them so they'd leave me alone, but I lost all hope. I lost all wish to get better. Because you were the only person that I'd counted on to care. {Lots of Love}
Look at me please, let me see your eyes,
Talk to me please, tell me all your lies,
I want you to tell me, please tell me you care,
I know that you don't because you're never there,
They told me it all, the truth you didn't say,
I tried to talk to you, to make this moment stay,
You never look at me anymore, I'm sorry you hate,
I wanted you to love me but I guess I can wait,
Why do you hate me, what did I do?
Did you look at my mask and see right through,
Don't leave me alone, I hate the quiet,
I'll say that I'm fine and I know they'll buy it,
Please look at me, I need the feel of your stormy gaze,
For you to care and know it's not a phase,
You're kind of blurry, are you sure you're real?
Because whenever I look at you, regret is all I feel,
Tell me they're lieing, that you care about me,
That failure and shame isn't all you see,
When you acted like I'm invisible it makes me want to cry,
And now when you look at me, to smile I actually have to try.

I wish I knew why you hate me now. Why won't you talk to me? Why don't you look at me anymore? Am I really that repulsive? I wish you'd love me back, but I'm willing to just be friends. Because anything is better than nothing, and this silence is starting to scare me.

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