i dont deserve anything

i saw him today. hes the one who started me on the path im on.
the sight of him makes me want to cry.
i cant cry though. tears dont do anything.
if i had one wish, id wish for him to love me. i want him to love me so bad.
he thinks of me as a sister, why cant i think of him as a brother?
i see more than that when i look at him. i see what we could be. and all he sees is just some girl who he would do almost anything for.
when i say almost i mean almost.
he wouldnt even consider having sex with me again. and because of that, i cant be truly happy.
without him i am nothing. i want his touch.
i want him to hold me, but why do i deserve that?
i dont. and thats why i am doing this.
im thinking about finding my blade and dancing with death.
tempting fate. if i cut to deep, thats it. end of story. end of me.
i dont deserve love or life. i dont deserve anything.
a year ago i wouldnt have been thinking things like this over.
id have just gone staright for my blade.
i wouldnt have given it a second thought. but now, i might have something to live for,
i could be pregnant with his child. his perfect child could be growing inside me right now.
that is the only thing i have.
that is the only part of him that might truly love me.
but why do i deserve any of this. i dont.