Documents from Your Cliché Nerd
Chapter 4 - My Inevitable Demise
Saturday, October 10
Kitchen (aka My New Headquarters)
Good lord.
Cat girl is licking our mailbox. In the words of Dolores J. Umbridge, “Let me make this, quite plain”, I will NOT be the one to call poison control when cat girl starts foaming at the mouth.
And I will not have a bezoar to offer her, either. Because I am not Harry Potter.
My mom just looked outside and was all, “Dear, you should really go and talk to that nice girl.”
First of all, nice girl? Sweet Jesus.
Second of all, my mother just completely disregarded the fact that this “nice girl” was licking our mailbox. A mailbox that is so old, it most likely contains lead based paint.
This has to be why I’m so messed up. I was probably licking turpentine or something as a child while my mom just sat by, rocking back and forth in her precious rocking chair, watching “Murder She Wrote”. My mom was always the one who would pack “full grapes” in preschool. The other parents, the parents who cared about their children, packed grapes that were cut in half. Not my mother. She preferred to put my life in jeopardy. I was the full grape misfit. Now I FINALLY see where all my problems stem from.
Anyway, cat girl and my negligent mother are the least of my concerns. I still have no sabotaging plans, Mr. B is furious with me for my most recent escapade, and I think Leo, my French tutor is really mad at me for drawing those woodland creatures on his textbook. And I seriously don’t understand why! I would be delighted to have a menagerie of animals on my textbook. The only person who could comfort me at a time like this is my frosting filled ho-ho, Carson. However, my DVD’s of Queer Eye have all gone missing. I suspect cat girl is behind it.
The last time my shoes went missing, I found them sitting in cat girl’s litter box. I kid you not, she HAS a litter box.
I pray that my Queer Eye DVD’s have not suffered such a cruel, cruel fate.
Whatever. At least cat girl isn’t a criminal mastermind. I should be thankful for that. Compared to Lip Smacker, cat girl is a cherub.
1 Hour Later…
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I can’t believe how nonchalant I was before about losing my Queer Eye DVD’s! I’m going through withdrawal. I can’t think straight. I have the recurring urge to bang my head against a wall. I feel like I want to eat paint! Carson, my lover, my light, please forgive me for this second offense. I know I lost you, but I swear, I SWEAR, that when I find you, I will never let you out of my sight again. And I promise I will beat cat girl with a sock when I recover you and your wonderful 1st season self.
Another Incredibly Long Hour Later…
Carson. CARSON. Paint. Wall. Carson. !&*%^)*$%.
Minutes from Death…
CARRRRRRRRRRRRRRSON. Dribble. Cough.
2 Minutes Closer to Death…
Ugh, Leo is going to be here soon.
I have to try and revive myself for just a few hours. It’s critical. I need to get advice on sabotaging. And this could be my only opportunity. God knows I can’t do it myself.
I mean, Leo is French. Well, maybe he’s not French, but he’s a French tutor, which means he obviously knows a lot about the French culture. It’s just a well-known fact that the French are creepy. They let mimes run around all over their country for crying out loud! I suspect they’re behind all the seedy criminal activity that goes on there.
I wonder if cat girl knows any mimes? I wouldn’t be surprised if she did.
Leo just called me with the most horrible news ever.
He can’t come over today because he has to prepare for a freaking MATHLETES tournament. I tried to convince him that preparation at this point was useless and then when that failed, I pulled out the social standing card (everyone knows being in Mathletes is social suicide), but he was insistent upon his precious study time. And apparently didn’t think spending time with me would improve his social standing.
Which I must agree with. I’m a misfit. And I accept that.
Ugh. This will set back my sabotaging plans another week!
He did however inform me that he found a replacement for today. Which I am NOT thankful for! So, I didn’t thank him. I mean, he didn’t even confer with me before finding some creeper to replace him. I don’t want the next Patrick Bateman (yeah, I know he’s fictional, but it has to be based on a true story, right?) walking into my house!
Ugh, can this day get any worse?
Knock on wood.
30 Minutes Later…
Answer to my last question: Yes it can! Lucy Fredricks aka Gum Chewer aka Lip Smacker’s best friend just pulled into my driveway.
Why me?
No, scratch that. Why HER?
Whoever said normalcy was overrated must have been on crack. I crave normalcy. I would give my first born for normalcy (Heh, like THAT would happen. Having a first born, I mean. This is strictly hypothetical, mind you). I would give just about anything for a day free of the sick irony that plagues my existence.
Leo, the worst French tutor ever, is officially fired. It was bad enough he ditched me for a MATHLETES tournament, but to hire the Gum Chewer as a replacement? That is just not acceptable.
Uh oh, I hear footsteps.
I’ll take that as my cute to amscray.
5 Minutes Later
The Nasty Spidery Crevice Behind My House
Mr. G would probably refer to this as a lack of maturity and inability to handle social situations, but that is so far from the truth.
It’s self-defense! But fortunately, Mr. G is not here. And so I’m going to continue hiding out here with all the spiders and cat girl.
Wait.
Cat girl???
Are you kidding me? That girl is a maverick! Let me rephrase that. That girl/cat hybrid is a maverick.
One minute she’s dumpster diving, the next she’s right by your side. Licking your arm. It’s slightly unsettling. Her tongue even feels like sandpaper.
Oh, no. The doorbell. Someone just rang the doorbell! And by someone, I mean She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s main flunky, Lucy Fredricks. I think I’ll just stay here. In my crevice. Next to a girl who thinks she’s a cat. I’d prefer hanging out with cat girl over getting strangled by a long, slobbery piece of Bubbalicious anyday. Living just trumps strangulation.
I’m so not a coward. This is self-preservation.
2 Minutes Later
Still in the Nasty Crevice
Shit! My mom answered the door!
Now that is just cruel. She has really taken this gambling with my life thing to a new level.
Okay, breathe. If I can just sit silently here for another 5 minutes, I think I can make it.
Ugh, now my mom is calling my name. And unbeknownst to her, summoning me to my death.
Crap, cat girl is starting to stir. And now she looks angry. If she meows, I swear, I will personally assassinate her.
No Tanya Harding, hiring a hitman bullshit.
I will take her out myself.
She’s gonna do it. She is going to meow!
...
Well, fuck me.
She did it.
1 Minute Later
Cat girl is dead. She is DEAD. I can’t believe she ratted me out.
Crap, I can see feet approaching. Maybe I can play dead. And I can just frame cat girl. People will sympathize with the poor girl who was brutally attacked by the disturbed cat/girl mutant.
Or maybe I can…
Wait.
Hold the phone.
Lucy Fredricks doesn’t wear Vans shoes. She wouldn’t dare wear anything with shoelaces. Or with a heel under an inch.
OH. MY. GOD.
I know who skateboards. I know who wears Vans shoes!
Oh God.
This is definitely NOT “rad”.
Note to Self:
-Seriously. Destroy cat girl.
-And then ship her remains to Barnum and Bailey’s.
A/N: I finally, FINALLY finished the 4th chapter. About 2 weeks ago, I found out I had deleted my first draft of the story and I seriously considered scrapping the whole project because I was so mad. I also contemplated just photoshopping my head onto a photo of Sarah Palin and posting that, but I got over it and decided to re-write the chapter. I really love writing this story and I’ve made it one of my personal goals to finish it. I also read this great quote, which I want to post at some point, about how writer’s block is just fear and it was all inspiring and stuff and kind of mean, which is what lazy people like myself need and anyway, it motivated me to finish this chapter up. Anyway, thanks for sticking with me (she says as a tumbleweed rolls by in the vacant lot formerly known as her story). Enjoy the story and feel free to continue with the feedback!
