The Phantom of the Titanic

Disclaimer: I don't own the Phantom of the Opera, Titanic, daylight, parody drivers, Zelda, my friend Linky, the Punjab lasso (whaaa!), toads, the word hmph, Phan Girls, video cameras, Les Mis, my bro, the word hi, silence, singing lessons, Titanic facts, sneezes, hankies, Lord of the Rings, pints, drunkenness, fops, the word hey, evilness, the cast, Friday movie night, chick flicks, Persia, torture devices, tough tiddles, remote control thingys, paper, WATERPROOF paper, nakedness, HAHAHAHA!, Switzerland, Toulouse, Moulin Rouge, the truth, God Almighty (he's the one who owns everyone and everything), go fish, running, chasing, tricking, lying, dogs, suicide, cigarettes, pools, coldness, Target, slipping, the phrase You are under arrest!, stupidity, more drunkenness, ale, kegs, skinniness, Raoul fan girls, or peopleses. *sing song voice* Now you cant sue me, nah nah nah nah nah nah nah! [sticks tongue out]
A/N: Enjoy all!
*****
For anyone who cares, All is consisted of Erik, Christine, Raoul, Mme. Giry, Meg, Firmin, Andre, Nadir, Carlotta, and Piangi. I don't want the last two people here, but we don't have enough cast members for all the main parts..dern it.
LadyRedRose (LRR [me])- Ok, people, we have a parody to perform!
All- [don't listen. Aw, heck, they don't even know I'm there]
LRR- Come on, people! Lets go! Were burnin daylight!
All- [still don't listen. ugh, people these days]
LRR- HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All- [finally pay attention to weird evil parody driver]
LRR- That's better! Anyway, we're puttin on a parody.
Christine- [groan] Not another one! You already made us do that stupid Zelda parody!
Linky (friend who LOVES Zelda)- [sick in bed] HEY!
Christine- Raoul is still kinda stupid from it!
Raoul- YEAH! [thinksyes, he thinks in this fic] HEY!
Christine- What next?! Titanic?!
LRR- [sniffles] Who told you?
Christine- [pause] NO!!!
Erik- I refuse to degrade myself to performing ANOTHER parody! [waves hand] I have my Punjab lasso!
LRR- No you don't. I took it.
Erik- YOU WHAT?!
LRR- I couldn't have you killing Carlotta, even though shes a toad.
Carlotta- HMPH!
LRR- AND, I didn't want you to refuse to do the parody, threatening me with the lasso unless I let y'all go, like you just did.
Erik- [grumble grumble] FINE! I won't kill anyone! Just give me back my lasso!
LRR- Nuh uh! Not till y'all are done fulfilling my parody needs! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA! [dodges Erik who is now chasing me]
Erik- GIVE ME BACK MY LASSO!!!
LRR- NEVER!!! MWHAHAHAHAHA!!! Erik, if you don't stop chasing me, I'll tell everyone what you REALLY do down in your lair!!!
Erik- NOOO!!! How do you know?!
LRR- DUH! All us Phan Girls have cameras down in your lair! How do you think we know about-
Erik- [slaps hand over LRR's mouth] Fine, I'll do the stupid parody.
LRR- [snicker] Yay! [sees Christine sneaking out the back door] Come on Christine!
Christine- Do I have to?
LRR- YOU ALL HAVE TO!!!
All- [look unconvinced]
LRR- If you don't, I'll make you all do..A LES MIS PARODY!
All- [shut up, some say ok or agree stubbornly]
LRR- [to self] He he. I haven't even seen Les Miserables, but it seems to have worked! Yay! [to everyone] Good. Anyway, I have a confession to make. I know practically nothing about the Titanic, other than it sank.
All- YAY!!!
LRR- But I have someone who does!
All- BOO!!!
LRR- Quiet! I would like you all to meet, DUN DUN DUN DUN! MY BROTHER!!!
DarthWickedPhan (DWP)- [walks in shyly] Hi.
LRR- His name is DarthWickedPhan. DWP for short.
DWP- Hi.
LRR- He's kinda nervous.
DWP- Hi.
LRR- Stop it!
DWP- [silent]
LRR- That's better. He's kinda annoying. Just around me, though.
DWP- [silent]
LRR- I told you about him, Erik, remember?
Erik- Ah yes, the boy who needed singing lessons.
DWP- [silent]
LRR- Stop that!
DWP- Ok.
LRR- Good. Anyway, he's gonna help me with the Titanic facts-
DWP- IT TOOK 7 YEARS FOR THE TITANIC TO BE BUILT!
LRR- ooook, he's gonna help me with the Titanic facts-
DWP- 1, 502 PASSENGERS DIED!
LRR- ..
DWP- ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
LRR- Bless you. Are you done?
DWP- I think so. Anyone got a hankie?
LRR- [gives him a hankie] Be merry.
DWP- I'm merry!
Merry Brandybuck- No! You're not a hobbit! [Pippin shows up with pints] Oooo [gets drunk]
LRR- ..oooook.
All- [roll eyes]
LRR- Sorry, people locked inside of my captive imaginary mind are going to be popping in and out all the way through, so get used to it. Anyway, ummm..oh yeah! Casting: Erik is gonna be Jack Dawson.
Erik- And why is this?
LRR- Cause you should get the lead all the time and Raoul's a stupid fop.
Raoul- HEY!
LRR- Is that all you say?
Raoul- Ummm..
LRR- Well, that answers my question.
Erik- But it doesn't answer mine. Are you just some demented fan girl bent on turning every story into a happy ending for me?
LRR- No! I'm a PHAN Girl!
Erik- Oh yeah. Are you just some demented PHAN Girl bent on turning every story into a happy ending for me?
LRR- [looks down] Yes.
Erik- I thought as much. I don't want to be this Jack guy. He doesn't sing at all.
Meg- How do YOU know that?
Erik- I might have accidentally stumbled upon the tape down in my lair..
LRR- Riiiiight..anyhoo, Christine, you'll be Rose.
Erik- I'll be Jack.
Christine- NO WAY! Rose takes off her clothes in this movie!
Meg- And how do you know that?
Christine- Daddy watched chick flicks..not my fault.
LRR- oO;;; Raoul, you can be Cal.
Raoul- Ugh. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE FREAKIN EVIL GUY?!
Meg- How do you know hes evil?!
Raoul- Christine made me watch it.
LRR- [rolls eyes] ANYWAY, Mme. Giry, you can be Ruth.
Mme. Giry- Fine.
Meg- How do you know who that is?
Mme. Giry- I was bored when I was pregnant for you. I watched millions of movies.
Meg- ooook, more than I needed to know.
LRR- BACK TO CASTING! Andre, you can be Brock Lovett.
Andre- [grumble grumle] I wanted a bigger part..
LRR- Tough tiddles.
Firmin- And who will I be?
LRR- Lewis.
Firmin- [grumble grumble]
Meg- You two have seen it?
Andre- Friday movie nights.
Meg- ..why wasnt I invited?
LRR- CASTING PEOPLESES! Nadir, you can be Thomas Andrews.
Nadir- Oh goodie.
Meg- And how do you know who HE is?
Nadir- They tortured us back in Persia with chick flicks.
LRR- ENOUGH INTERRUPTIONS! Carlotta, you can be Molly Brown, since youre just her size, maybe bigger..
Carlotta- Hmph!
Meg- I don't want to know.
LRR- Piangi, you can be John Jacob Astor.
Piangi- YAY!
Meg- So everyone here has seen the freakin movie except me?!
All- [look down]
Meg- That's just great.
LRR- Well, since you didn't see it, I guess you can sit it out with me.
Meg- YAY!!!
All- NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOT FAIR!!!
LRR- TOUGH TIDDLES ON YOU!
All- [grumble]
DWP- Ok, Im ready! [is holding scripts for everyone]
All- [take a script]
LRR, Meg, and DWP- [sittin in directors' chairs]
LRR- Ok! Now let the parody begin!!!
DWP- CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP!!!
LRR- STOP THAT!
DWP- Sorry.
[We're with Andre (Brock) and Firmin (Lewis) and they're lookin at a gigantic shipwreck. It's a mess. Well, DUH!]
Andre- I love to explore ships, la la la la la...
Firmin- Let's just get on with it. [is wearing remote-control thingys on his arms] Coooool! [wavin arms in air] Wheeeeeeeeeee!
LRR- oooook
Firmin- [sees that his motions control a TINY submarine] I love technology!
Andre- Focus! We need a dirty red safe! You can't miss it!
Firmin- GOT IT!
[Few moments later..]
Andre- This is the most important moment of my life! [opens safe with crowbar]
Safe- Ughhh I dont feel so good[pukes]
Crew- Ewww..
Andre- [sticks his hand in there] [throws down now useless money] EWWWWWWWWWWWWW! YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [looks at LRR] THIS GUY ACTUALLY DID THIS?!
LRR- Yes. KEEP GOING!
Andre- Ewww. [pulls out stuff that doesn't at all look like paper] Aww, the big shiny rock thingy isn't here. But, I have the vague feeling that this might be paper. Let's go see.
LRR- Close enough.
DWP- IT;S CALLED THE HEART OF THE OCEAN FOR YOUR INFORMATION!!!
LRR and Meg- oO
Meg- Is he always like this?
LRR- No, he's usually worse.
Meg- I see.
DWP- [grabs Punjab lasso]
Erik- THATS MINE!!!
LRR- OK! He's not like this at all! [crosses fingers]
DWP- [gives me Punjab]
LRR- Thank YOU!
Erik- grrrr.
LRR- NEXT SCENE!!!
[We're in a lab-ish place on the boat now. Someone with a water gun is trying to figure out if the red thingy is actually paper.]
Someone with a water gun- I hope whatever this is is waterproof.
Andre- KEEP SPRAYING!!!
Someone with a water gun- [rolls eyes]
[After a while, they see that it is, in fact, paper. Oh joy. Anyway, Andre-I mean Brock, finds that it is not only paper, it's WATERPROOF Paper! Whoohoo! No wonder it stayed down there all these years! Anyway, he sees something on the Waterproof Paper.]
Andre- oooooooooooooooo..naked lady..
LRR- [slaps him on the head]
Andre- Ow!
LRR- That's for inappropriate usage of improvising on lines when you forget them!
DWP- Yeah! What she said!
LRR- Anyway, CUT TO OLD LADY ROSE!
[Screen cuts to where we are in Old Roses kitchen. Shes watchin the TV.]
Christine- Are all these prosthetics really necessary?
LRR- YES!
Christine- [sweating] Poo.
LRR- READ YOUR LINES!
Christine- [without much emotion] Turn that up, dear. [pause] Who on earth am I talking to, anyway? NO ONE'S HERE!!!
LRR- Oh yeah! I didnt think of casting that part! [improvising] Your daughter is on vacation in Switzerland!
Christine- ..why Switzerland?
LRR- Sorry, I've been watching Moulin Rouge too much.
Toulouse- AND IT'S SET IN SWITZERLAND!!!
LRR- No, that's set in PARIS!
Toulouse- [runs off to Switzerland]
LRR- Anyway, start again!
Christine- Fine. Since my daughter is on vacation in Switzerland and didn't bother to take me, I'll turn the TV up myself. [does so]
TV- And we have here a picture of a naked lady. If whoever this is a picture of is out there watching this broadcast, come down to this big ship in the middle of the ocean, cause YOU'RE NAKED ON TV!!! HAHAHAHA!
Christine- AHHHHH! I'M NAKED ON TV! I'VE GOT TO GO DOWN THERE! [hops a helicopter and goes to the boat]
LRR- oooooooooook, not really what I had in mind, but ok. NEXT SCENE!!!
[Old Lady Rose arrives on boat and is bombarded by Brock.]
Andre- WHAT HAPPENED ON THE TITANIC?!
Christine- ..it sunk. [crying] WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS DEAD! Now I'm going to tell you a story completely different from the Titanic. It's about my love life.
Andre and Firmin- Ok!
Christine- [pause] Do I really have to say it?
LRR- [singing] Do you hear the people sing? Singing the songs of angry men! (thats from Les Mis for those who don't know)
Christine- [sigh] It was called the ship of dreams..and it was.
DWP- [tears come to eyes] That [sniffle] was so beautiful. [bursts into tears]
Meg- [pats LRR on back] I feel so sorry for you.
LRR- Thank you.
DWP- [still crying]
Christine- How long is he going to stay like that?
LRR- Probably a day. Maybe shorter if y'all start the next scene.
Christine- Why?
LRR- You'll see. [evil snicker] NEXT SCENE!!!
[Cuts to years ago, harbor where Titanic is, a cab pulls up. Guess who it is!]
Raoul- YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY TURN!!!!!!!!!!!
Christine- [getting out of cab in a dress that her legs are almost glued together] Ok, so I lose the prosthetics, and gain a dress that I cant walk in! What's next?! A huge hat I can't see in?
LRR- Oh yeah! [throws her that huge hat]
Christine- You can't be serious.
LRR-[singing] One more dawn! One more day! (once again, from Les Mis)
Christine- [puts on hat]
LRR- [talking like an old grandma] Oh, now don't you just look darlin?
Christine- Shut up.
LRR- Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
Erik- She did, actually.
LRR- O.O How would you know?
Erik- [whistles innocently]
Christine- [evil grin]
DWP- [still crying] [stops crying abruptly] [looks at Christine] You're pretty..
Christine- That's why he would stop crying? To see me?
LRR- Yup. Hes actually taking it better than I thought he would. Usually he just runs up to girls like you and hugs them endlessly. He's just drooling this time.
DWP- [drooling]
Erik- If I had my Punjab..
LRR- Which you don't. [busy putting Punjab lasso in a glass case and admiring it]
Meg- And, uh, just out of curiosity, why do I barely say anything at all?
LRR- Sorry, writers block.
Meg- Well that explains it.
LRR- ENOUGH DELAYING! SAY YOUR LINES!
Raoul- God himself could not sink this ship!
LRR- Finally! SOMEONE got their lines right! Even though you dont say them yet. And it's the FOP?!
Raoul- HEY!
Christine- Why do you always call him fop?
Erik- [snicker]
LRR- Cause it is my rightful duty as a Phan to proclaim to the world that Raoul is a fop because it is the truth! [switching to preacher mode] And the truth, the truth alone shall set ye free!
All- oO;
LRR- come on! I want a PARODY PERFORMED!
Carlotta- [entering stage with great dramaticness stuff] [looking up into air, apparently looking for a ship sticking out of the water] God Almighty!
LRR- Um, Carlotta? You're not supposed to say that till the END of the parody, when the ship is sinking.
Carlotta- And why don't I get a bigger part with more lines?
LRR- Cause I don't like you.
Carlotta- [fuming]
LRR- Anyway, I want y'all to KEEP GOING! COME ON! WHATS THE HOLD UP?!
Christine- [sigh] [continuing] I don't see what all the fuss is about. I doesn't look any bigger than the Mauretania.
Raoul- You can be blase about some things, Rose, but not about Titanic! It's over-
DWP- [cutting in] -a hundred feet longer than the Mauretania, and far more luxurious.
Raoul- Hey! I wanted to say that!
LRR- The important part is that it was said. NEXT PART!
Raoul- [helps Mme. Giry out of the cab]
Mme. Giry- [stumbles cause Raoul isn't that good at helping people out of the cab]
Meg- [snickers to see her mom fall or stumble or whatever]
Raoul- [sees a puddle] Mind your step! [leads her away from puddle]
LRR- why did we even NEED that part?
DWP- Sorry. I thought Raoul was gonna be stupid, and I wanted to see if he would throw himself on the puddle to make sure she didn't get wet.
LRR- That WOULD have been funny.
Raoul- HEY!
LRR- You know, you say that WAY too much!
Raoul- Sorry.
Mme. Giry- [continuing] So this is the ship they say is unsinkable.
Raoul- It is unsinkable. God himself couldn't sink this ship.
Meg- Then how come it sank?
LRR- How do YOU know that it sank?
Meg- Ahem, well..umm Yall have been saying it a lot? [looks down] Ok, so maybe I did see it..
LRR- YOU LIED?!
Meg- Don't hurt me!
LRR- GET UP THERE!
Meg- Then who will I be?
LRR- For your punishment for lying to me, you are hereby declared.. CAPTAIN E. J. SMITH!
All- [gasp]
DWP- DUNdundun!!
Meg- [whining] But that's a MAN!
LRR- You should have thought before you lied.
Meg- What if I don't want to be Captain E. J. Smith?
LRR- Would you rather be a dog?
Meg- ..no.
LRR- Then here's your beard. [hands Meg a snow white beard]
Meg- You can't be serious.
LRR- Woof woof!
Meg- [puts on beard]
LRR- Anyway, Erik, it's your turn.
Erik- Oh joy.
LRR- NEXT SCENE!
[We're in a bar. Erik is sitting with two Russian guys. His friend is away in Switzerland with Rose's daughter. Don't ask me how they know each other, or how they met up even though they're time zones apart.]
Erik- [looking at cards] [looks up at LRR] I have no clue how to play this game.
LRR- You dont know how to play poker? Well, I don't either. Anyway, now y'all are playin go fish.
Erik- [asking Russian guy] Got any 3s?
Russian guy- [in Russian] RATS! THAT WAS MY LAST ONE! [hands over 3 gruffly]
Erik- I win! I get to go on a ship on which Im gonna die! Yay!
LRR- Close enough. Now you run out of the bar cause you are late.
Erik- I am not going to run!
LRR- Um, yes you will. If you don't, remember, I have your Punjab.
Erik- You dont know how to use it!
LRR- Oh yes I do! All us Phan Girls know every single thing about you, like the way you write poems for Ayesha when your not thinking about Christine.
All- O.O
Erik- I CANT BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT!
LRR- I did!
Erik- [chasing after me]
LRR- Hey! I got him to run!
[Chase scene resumes, ending in me tricking Erik to get on board the Titanic..go me, go me, it's my birthday! Not really. Poo.]
Erik- [shouting from ship sailing away] I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, LRR!
LRR- HeheheheheNEXT!!!
Erik- [standing at front of ship] Must I?
LRR- Yup.
Erik- Really?
LRR- Really.
Erik- I don't wanna.
LRR- Lets see..how about a Rent parody?
Erik- [sigh] FINE. Ill do it.
LRR- YAHOO! [pause] ACTION!
Erik- I'm king of the world. Woohoo.
LRR- -__-
Erik- Well, I said it!
LRR- Whatever. Anyway, I think what happens next is pretty pointless, so let's skip to where Rose meets Jack at the back of the ship.
Christine- Why do they meet there?
LRR- Cause Rose is about to commit suicide.
Christine- That idiot!
LRR- Well, you're her!
Christine- [sarcastically] ..thanks.
LRR- You're welcome.
[Cut to the back of the ship. Christine is struggling to get over the railing of the ship because her dress is so hard to walk in, let alone climb in.]
Christine- How does she wear all these dresses?
LRR- Corsets.
Christine- That explains it.
LRR- Anyway, [looks around] ERIK! WHERE ARE YOU?!
Erik- [coughing] I can't breathe!
LRR- Why? Corset?
Erik- NO! [cough] These stupid cigarettes!
LRR- Oh. Sorry. You dont have to smoke.
Erik- Yay!
LRR- Cause your smokin' already! Hehehe..
Erik- [rolls eyes] [puts out cigarette] [resumes looking up at sky]
Christine- AH! THE WATER IS COLD!
LRR- Rose didn't say that.
Christine- I'm improvising.
LRR- ..ok
Erik- [looks up] Hm. I feel like saving someone today. [gets up] [walks over to Christine] [looks at her in the dress] [mouth drops open] [gawking]
Christine- Shut up.
Erik- I didn't say a word.
LRR- What's wrong with the dress?
Erik- I LOVE it!
Christine- You really think I look good?
Erik- [nods head]
LRR- YOU'RE NOT SAYING YOUR LINES!
Erik- Do you need saving?
Christine- I think I do.
Erik- Then go to Target! They have the best prices!
LRR- THAT'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT! [looks at script] It IS in the script!
DWP- Sorry, I printed these at Target, and they wanted advertising.
LRR- oooook. Anyway, next lines!
Erik- [continuing] [trying to distract her] Do you know how cold the water is?
Christine- What do you think?! I screamed earlier AH! THE WATER IS COLD! Didn't you listen?!
Erik- Sorry! Gosh. I was too busy coughing from my God-forsaken cigarettes. [looks at LRR] This guy needs to stop smoking.
LRR- CONTINUE!
Christine- Anyway, I felt like taking a swim.
Erik- Theres like 5 hundred pools on this ship.
DWP- Theres only one.
Erik- IM IMPROVISING!
Christine- Ok, yes, you've caught me. Im not swimming, I'm really committing suicide.
Erik- Ok, have fun.
LRR- YOU WANT CHRISTINE TO DIE?!
Erik- No, I just want this stupid parody to end!
LRR- Well, we're only at the beginning.
Erik- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
LRR- Well, anyway, we get the gist of this part, and Erik helps Christine over the railing.
Christine- If you so much as THINK of trying to let me slip, you are SO gonna get it!
LRR- Well, she DID slip-
Erik- [already has Christine over the rail]
LRR- ugh, anyway, Raoul, you come in.
Raoul- La la la la la! OH MY GOD! [sees Erik over Christine] YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!
LRR- ..
Raoul- I always wanted to say that.
LRR- Whatever. Anyway, now, wait a minute, I'M NOT LETTIN YOU PUT HANDCUFFS ON ERIK!!!
Raoul- [already is tightening handcuffs on our beloved Erik..stupid fop]
LRR- Poo.
Raoul- WHY WERE YOU WITH MY FIANCE?!
Christine- Cal stop! It was an accident!
Raoul- An accident?!
Christine- Yeah!
LRR- Well, since you DIDN'T slip, you dont have a good excuse now!
Christine- I've got it covered. Raoul is still kinda stupid, remember?
LRR- Yeah? So?
Christine- Watch and learn. [to Raoul] I was committing suicide cause I hate you.
Raoul- Alright, as long as you werent committing suicide cause you hate me. [lets Erik go]
Erik- o.o And I thought he was going to be smart in this parody.
Raoul- HEY!
LRR- STOP SAYING HEY!
Raoul- [grumble]
LRR- Anyway, Raoul, give him the cigarettes.
Erik- NO! I don't want anymore cigarettes!
LRR- Ok! They take him to dinner anyway.
Erik- Whew.
LRR- And you go to a bar after.
Merry and Pippin- WE WANT TO COME! [Sam and Frodo bring in a huge keg of ale] Ooooo[all get drunk]
Erik- Not another bar!
LRR- With Christine.
Christine- NO! IVE NEVER DRUNK BEFORE IN MY LIFE!!!
LRR- Then why did you have some wine in Erik's lair?
Christine- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!
LRR- Video cameras, remember?
Christine- [begins chasing me]
LRR- Wow! By the time I'm done being chased by everyone who wants to chase me, Ill be so SKINNY! [runs away from Christine] Anyway, peopleses, this is only the beginning! Hope you liked!
Raoul- [pokepoke] LRR? Can you make me less stupid? Cause Im still kinda stupid..
LRR- Hmmm. Ill think about it.
Raoul fan girls- YAY!
LRR- But don't get your hopes up.
Raoul fan girls- BOO!
-----------------------------------
First chapter! What you think?
Great job! I WANT MORE!
...huh??

The Phantom of the Titanic... A disaster that already happened, happening again!
Sorry you didn't like it.