“MICHEAL PHELPS WINS EIGHT GOLD MEDALS”
“MICHEAL PHELPS: GREATEST OLIMPIAN?”
“MICHEAL PHELPS: DANGEROUSLY MANLY”
“Michael Phelps this, Michael Phelps that! Aaaargh! I’m so sick of hearing about Michael Phelps!” Joe Jonas said angrily.
Michael Phelps had been stealing everyone’s attention away from the Jonas Brothers. Instead of the Jonas Brothers, Limited Too only sold Michael Phelps clothes. No one ever talked about the Jonas Brothers anymore. Thanks to Michael Phelps, the Jonas Brothers could be found stumbling out of bars, shaving off their hair to sell for money, and becoming so incredibly desperate they began dating Miley Cyrus. Kevin, a Jonas Brother, had gone into hiding somewhere where no one could find him, brining much happiness to everyone.
“I wish Michael Phelps would just go away! I don’t like him!” Nick Jonas whined.
“Wishing won’t do anything.” Joe told him.
“Should we sing about it, then?” Nick asked.
“No, we must destroy Michael Phelps!” Joe said.
So Nick and Joe, being the most scheming of the brothers, began to scheme a scheme that was most schemeful in the way of scheming schemes. Their scheme; getting rid of Michael Phelps so that the Jonas Brothers would rise again.
“Ooooo! I’m so excited! We’re going to destroy Michael Phelps!” Nick said, with his bowels churning in excitement.
“Silence! No one must no of our dastardly deed!” Joe told him.
Having lost all of their money because of Phelps, Nick and Joe had been forced to stand on the side of the road, hoping for a ride. Nick stuck his shaved head out, like a giant thumb. Joe lifted up his pant leg, revealing his hairless leg to anyone who passed by, trying to get their attention.
Finally, after having countless cars pass them, a black truck stopped to pick them up. Driving it was a Caucasian American woman with all ten fingers and all four limbs still attached. She wore a red dress with a matching red jacket and a pair of Tina Fey glasses.
“So where are you boys headed?” The woman asked.
“We’re going to destroy Michael Phelps!” Nick said with excitement.
“You’re what?” She asked.
“He said we’re going to eat kelps.” Joe quickly said.
“Funny joke we tell in Alaska about kelps.” The woman laughed. Joe and Nick sat in the truck and listened to the woman crack jokes that you could only understand if you had been from Alaska.
At last, after hearing enough jokes from Alaska to make them want jump out the truck window, they had finally arrived at the home of Michael Phelps. Nick and Joe left the truck as fast as they could so they wouldn’t have to hear another unfunny joke from Alaska. The two of them went running up to the door, ready to take down Michael Phelps. Their hearts were pounding, their blood was pumping, and their hopes were sky high. They felt the same as they had on the day they had sent Sweeney Todd to take out Zac Efron.
But to their misfortune, Michael Phelps was not home. Hanging on the door was a sign that read “WENT OUT FOR A WAX, BE BACK SOON, THE ALMIGHTY PHELPS.”
“Curses!” Joe said in anguish.
As soon as Nick had opened his mouth to say something stupid, he closed it once he saw an ominous shadow suddenly cast over them. Both Nick and Joe turned around to see what had suddenly brought the shadow over them. When they turned around, they could see that what the shadow belonged to was not exactly a thing, but more of a whom, in a way.
There he stood, just staring at the two Jonas Brothers with his dark eyes. He had pasty skin that made him look like a World of War Craft fan that had not seen the sun for a long time, and wore a shirt that read “SHAVE THE WHALES.” It could only be one person; Edward Cullen.
“Ugh. What are you doing here, Cullen? And how dare you try to be more attractive than me with your stupid vampireness!” Joe told Edward, wagging a finger at him.
Edward only glared at Joe and Nick with a combination of deep annoyance, dislike, and a little feistiness. For as long as he could remember, he had never liked the Jonas Brothers. One reason was because they were the Jonas Brothers.
“Out of my way, little pansy. I’ve come to destroy Michael Phelps.” Edward said.
“You can’t be here to destroy Michael Phelps! We came here to destroy Michael Phelps!” Nick said.
“I’ll get rid of him much faster than you will.” Edward told him. “He’s stolen all the attention away from me and Bella left me for him.”
“Everyone knows, ok?” Joe said. “We got here first, so we get to destroy Michael Phelps!”
“Uh-uh! I’m a bigger chick magnet! I should get to destroy him!” Edward said.
“You are so not! If there is a chick magnet here, me, then let me be struck by lightning!” Nick said. And of course, nothing happened.
“I know a way to settle this.” Edward said. “We’ll have a battle of wits. The winner gets to destroy Michael Phelps.”
“All right, Cullen, you’ve got a deal.” Joe agreed. “Nick, join me!”
Nick and Joe stood close to each other and put their fists together. They raised their fists up towards the sky and a spark of light came from in between them.
“JONAS BROTHERS UNITE!” They called out.
MEAN WHILE, SOMEWHERE IN THE MOUNTAINS…
Kevin, a Jonas Brother, had been scaling up an entire mountain all day. It had taken him weeks to get where he had gotten to in his place of scaling. The cold wind stung his face, and the snow flew all around him, creating a blinding screen of whiteness. He resided in the mountains now. They were his only sanctuary where he had escaped from society and civilization all together. He would never return.
He made up his mind to live as some kind of hermit. He would sit and ponder the great mysteries of the universe. Like were we alone in space? How many grains of sand on a beach? Do penguins have knees? The top of the mountain he climbed now would be the mountain he would sit atop and wait for lost and wandering people, like himself, for answers in their lives. With every question and every answer, he would grow wiser. He would be the greatest known hermit in all the land. After all the weeks of climbing and scaling, scaling and climbing, he would finally reach the top of the mountain! He was almost there. Then suddenly…
“My Jo Bro senses are tingling! My brethren need me!” Kevin exclaimed. He quickly let go of the mountain and let himself float down to the ground.
BACK OUTSIDE MICHAEL PHELPS’ HOUSE…
Nick and Joe waited for another one of the Jonas Brothers to appear. They didn’t know if their Jo Bro assembles call would work, since they hadn’t seen Kevin for over a week. But they knew it worked now, because they notice a Jonas Brother in the shadows of Michael Phelps’ house.
“Other Jonas Brother, what are you doing here?” Joe asked.
“You called the Jonas Brothers to assemble. So here I am!” The other Jonas Brother said.
“Well, we don’t need you here, so go home.” Nick told him.
“But I’m a Jonas Brother! Let me help!” Other Jonas Brother whined.
“Get out of here!” Nick and Joe said.
“Fine. You guys are stupid jerk faced weasel noses!” Then the other Jonas Brother burst into flames and made his way back to the underworld.
“Nick! Joe! I felt my Jo Bro senses a tingling! I came as soon as I…Edward!” Kevin said as soon as he had reached Michael Phelps’ house. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Edward Cullen standing before him.
“Kevin? Where have you been?” Edward asked.
“Edward…I’m sorry, I just…”
“No note, no trace to where you went! I can’t read your mind, Kevin! You need to tell me these things!” Edward said angrily.
“I’m sorry, Edward, I really am.” Kevin apologized.
“No, just forget it. I’m sorry, too! I just thought that you…”
“All right, back to the battle of wits!” Joe interrupted.
“Oh, yes, the battle of wits.” Edward said, forgetting all about Kevin, the corvette, and the night he had gotten his heart broke.
“The first challenge will be to see who really is a chick magnet. Since you made that rather silly comment earlier about you being the chick magnets.” Edward said.
“Oh, this will be so easy!” Nick laughed. “I think we all know that it’s me who’s the chick magnet! There’s no doubt about it! Let me be struck by lightning if I’m wrong!” Nick said. He stood there for a minute, knowing that there was no lighting coming in the clear sky.
“See? I told you! It’s me! It’s…” A great crash of thunder went off in the sky. A bolt of lightning came down from the sky and blasted Nick Jonas. The only thing that was left of him was a little pile of ashes where he once stood.
“Nick!” Joe and Kevin shouted.
“Well I guess he wasn’t a chick magnet after all.”
Edward, Joe and Kevin all spun around to see who had just spoken. It was no other than Michael Phelps himself. He stood there watching them all fight wearing nothing but a smug smile on his face and his lucky spedo, just back from his wax.
“Michael Phelps. You’ve shown up at last. Now we can destroy you!” Edward said.
“Not yet you can’t.” Michael said. “No one has won the battle of wits yet. The winner will be the one who fights me.”
“All right then. The next challenge is…”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Cullen! I get to pick this challenge!” Michael Phelps said.
“What is the challenge?” Kevin asked.
“Hmmm…” A deep thoughtful look came across Michael Phelps’ face. “That performance that the Jonas Brother before you gave us has given me an idea. The next challenge shall be lightning jumping.”
“Lightning jumping?” They asked. Michael smiled at his creativity.
“Yes, lightning jumping. You all will try to jump out of the way of all of the bolts of lighting that appear whenever I clap my hands.” Michael Phelps explained.
“You can’t just make lightening appear!” Edward said.
“Oh, can’t I?” Michael Phelps smiled. He raised his hands up in the air, spread out far from each other. Then, Michael Phelps quickly clapped his hands together, causing lightening to appear. Joe, Edward and Kevin jumped out of the way just in time.
After every bolt of lightening that Michael Phelps brought out of the sky, Joe, Edward and Kevin always moved out of the way just in time. But the lightening began to get closer to them, and moved faster. Edward moved away from the quick moving lightening without even breaking a sweat. He smiled to himself because he knew that he would win the battle of wits and destroy Michael Phelps at last.
But there was a rock. And not just any rock, this was a big honking rock. No one who had passed it hadn’t gone without tripping ,and this rock was right in Edward’s way.
“Get out of my way!” Joe shouted at Edward. Joe didn’t see the rock. Not seeing the rock caused Joe to trip, and fall to the ground. And because Joe had tripped and stayed on the ground, Edward tripped over him, and lost his balance. This made Edward go flying, and he flew right into a bolt of lightening, and burst into a million pieces. This was the end of Edward Cullen.
“Edward!” Kevin shouted.
“Who’s ready for the next challenge?” Michael Phelps asked.
“I know I’m ready, Michael! Are you ready?” Someone asked.
Joe and Kevin turned to see the woman with the unfunny jokes from Alaska standing behind them with a mace in one hand. The other hand was empty.
“Sarah Palin? What are you doing here?” Kevin asked.
“What’s a Sarah Palin?” Joe asked.
“I planned to drop you off here on purpose! Michael and I are in this together.” Sara told them.
“But why did you bring us here?” Joe asked.
“Because.” Michael Phelps said. “We both knew that if the Jonas Brothers grew too strong, you would take over the world. So the both of us did what we had to by trying to steal all of the attention away from you. I worked hard and won all of those gold medals.”
“Don’t even start with me.” Sara said, laughing. “But we knew that you were close to getting all of that attention back once Kevin became a question answering hermit, and you would only grow greater in power once you reached back to the top. So we brought you here to destroy you.”
“You’ll never destroy us!” Joe said. “Never!”
“Oh, yes we will!” Sara Palin said, wagging a finger at Joe.
With one look in Joe’s direction, Sara Palin had frozen him in his steps with fear. Joe had no where to run. He turned and ran back, but Michael Phelps was standing there. So he turned and ran back the other way, but Sara Palin was there. Joe continued to run around in circles. He ran faster and faster, until he collapsed on the ground. His heart had exploded in his chest. Joe was dead.
“Now for the last Jonas Brother!” Sara Palin said.
“I got him when you weren’t looking.” Michael Phelps said, pointing over to a pile of ashes on the ground.
“Good work, Michael.” Sara Palin said. “Now stay out of my way until I become vice president, or I’ll go hockey mom all over your shaved but!”
