Chapter Four: No Word Means Enough
"Oh, Nessie" Jacob said as his lips parted from mine. "There are not enough words in the world to tell you how much this means to me." He smiled that crooked and beautiful smile at me and I returned the smile. Only to let it fade as one betraying tear fell from my eyes. "Nessie! What's wrong? Please, Renesmee, please. I need you to be happy. I NEED you to want this as much as I do."
"I love you more than my own life, Jacob Black. But I can't marry you." His heart stopped beating. My eyes were still closed but I knew the look that would be on his face. It would be hurt, it would look like he'd been burned. Like he'd be burned at the stake. Like I told him no. I bent my head to his chest with eyes still closed and just shook my head, "I'm so sorry, Jacob. I'm so so sorry." And the tears flooded my eyes and the whole world as I told him no. And nothing existed but me and him, and Chuck Wilder. Chuck Wilder existed too, but he was far away and Jacob would never know of him. I declare it so. "I love you, Jacob. I love you so much."
My world was spinning, everything was dark and moving slow and fast at the same time. It was disorienting and it made my stomach whirl. It made me want to puke. It made me want to hurt myself for ever having the nerve to hurt him. I was nothing but a selfish girl and I knew it. A girl who'd had 116 years to live any life she'd wanted and had chosen just now to embrace it and deny the one who wanted to enjoy the rest of my life with me the chance. "I'm so sorry for ever hurting you, my little moon. But you have to know, that I could not exist without you. I would not have the energy, Jacob. You hold me to this world. You give me all the sun and energy I need. You make me smile, you make me cry, and above all you make me love. But I can't marry you, Jacob Black. As happy as that would make me, I can not."
I realized then that I'd been crying so hard that I was shuttering violently. Moving so quickly and bruskly that it felt like I should be in pain, or that the furiousity of my shaking would hurt me if I were human. Like I would just shake straight out of my own skin and become a figment of my own force and power, emotion and passion. Like I would become a beautiful creature and yet still be a beast, like I was shaking right out of the fake skin I wear as a vampire and become a beast of my new nature. I tried to still myself but could not, so instead I finally brought my head from Jacob's chest and opened my eyes.
Instants later, a gargantuan wolf stood in front of me.
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