Cry or Cut, Like Kiss or Kill [XVI]

There isn't much to say. Well, I mean, there is, but it all pertains to the same thing.

Ziven.

What is there to talk about? Let's start with the positives.

He's sweet with children. Fantastic, actually.

He's a fellow animal lover. Major bonus; and he has a dog.

He's really smart. Politically and intellectually. In just about every way, really…

He's sensitive. Not in a really pathetic way, but in a protective and caring way.

He's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. So beautiful it kind of hurts.

His voice is smooth and deep, but melodic. Practically angelic.

His eyes are a color green that you can't even begin to comprehend through words alone.

His touch sets my skin on fire. A good fire, the kind people look for with serious online dating.

And the way he looks at me makes me feel like I'm not completely worthless.

On the other hand, there are a few negatives to point out as well.

He always pities me, like I'm pathetic.

He always makes sure I know he's sorry for what happened, which just make me think about it.

He always says these cryptic things that I'm not sure are actually cryptic.

He always refers to me as a friend.

He always seems to leave me with more questions every time I see him.

He told me he was marrying Aubrey Vincent.

He then proceeded to tell me he loved me.

He then left without another word.

So tell me, what am I supposed to think of all this? Ziven has made it clear that he will marry Aubrey, but he's also told me he has feelings for me. That's so incredibly contradictory it's offensive. What I get out of that is "I really like you and all, but she's a better option for me because my family and advisors approve, her father's paid off my father, and I feel bad for you". Yes, that's how I think he feels. That's probably exactly it, too.

It's heartbreaking. I love him. LOVE. L--O--V--E. Love.

Somehow I've developed these deeply rooted emotions for this man that doesn't really seem to keen on me. He's left me for some other woman that we had agreed to dislike in the past. That's like being spit on, you know? Here I thought he would never in a million years choose to be with her, but something changed him. He chose---admittedly for the better---to be with her. Is she a better choice for just about every reason? Yes.

Aubrey Vincent, though evil and conniving, is equally as beautiful as Ziven, has her own money, cares about him in a twisted sort of way (the "I want money and fame" way), and is used to attention and pressure. For all of these reasons, she could run circles around me in the field of credentials. Emotionally, though, she's distant and probably doesn't have any.

To see Ziven with someone else is painful. In fact, I'm crying right now, all alone in my bedroom in the dark, wishing he'll come back and tell me it was all a sick joke or that he's changed his mind. For a few seconds of my life I had thought that maybe we had something together and maybe he would whisk me away so we could be together. It was all in vain, of course, because he's too smart to do that. He would never throw his life away for someone else.

Not that he's selfish. His life is built around his family. If he threw away the crown, someone else would have to take it, and he wouldn't be able to live life knowing someone else had suffered from his benefit.

Not to say that he loves me like I love him. I don't know---or think---that he does.

I'll compare him to Jane Austen in Becoming Jane. She decided not to run away with Tom Lefroy because he had people to support, and although he desperately wanted her to be with him, he knew deep down that it would be unwise to benefit himself and allow others to suffer. So, Ziven is like Jane in deciding his own fate based upon the needs and demands others have of him.

That really only makes me love him more. He's so…considerate and selfless.

That doesn't numb it, though. The love I feel for him doesn't push the sorrow aside. Nothing can smother the rejection I feel. I was cast aside like an old, out-grown toy. To him I'm just a friend that he feels sorry for and likes to have around for conversational and advisory purposes. I give great advice. Maybe someday I should take it to heart myself.

The way my insides are shattered makes every breath harder than the last. Each little shard of glass rips into my lungs and tears my soul to pieces. I've been totally pushed away, denied.

But I'm still so confused.

Was his "I love you" a friendly one, or a serious one? If it was serious, why did he have to leave? If it was friendly, why bother saying it at all?

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?

How am I supposed to keep living here and working here and sleeping here, when I'm so goddamn confused and lost? Everything's been turned upside down and inside out. Nothing seems right, and nothing feels right, but there's nothing for me to do. There's nothing I can do to fix this.

Nothing can mend the giant cracks in my bones or the agony of this kind of, sort of post-break-up.

Nothing.

- - - - - -

For the last two weeks I returned to my usual chores and duties. I walked the dogs---alone---and cleaned Ziven's hall, but only cleaned his room when he wasn't in it. Janette and I spent a lot of time together after she returned back from vacation, and I am definitely thankful for having her as a friend, however young she may be.

I haven't really seen Ziven. I've heard him coming and run for the hills, but I haven't actually been in the same room, eye to eye, since that morning. Lindsay tells me he's acting strange, like he's ill or comatose. There's really no part of me that wants to feel sorry for him, though. He said his peace and left me, what else is there to dwell on?

"Eira, dear, I think that spot is just about gone," Louise says gently, resting her hand atop my own.

"Yeah," I breathe and stop rubbing fervent circles over the sterling silver surface of a decorative tea set's teapot. Looking down at it, I can see my reflection. I look awful, but that's what heartbreak does to a person, I suppose.

"Is something the matter?" Louise asks kindly, moving around me to pick up a rather ugly glass sculpture of a lion. She begins to dust it and as I stare at her, she does not stare at me. We are making the East Dining Hall sparkle for the engagement party that's being held this coming Friday.

It is not for Ziven and Aubrey. It's for Lindsay and Armando, thank god.

"I just have a lot on my mind…" I sigh, placing the teapot back where it belongs, only to pick up the matching cream holder.

"I see. Is there anything I can do?" she inquires like the sweet old lady she is.

"No… No, it'll pass," I attempt to smile, but I know she can see right through me. She might be old, but she's observant. She's spent her whole life here; working under Ziven's grandfather and watching King Michael grow into the man he is. She's spent her whole life around the gossip, drama, and scandals that happen under this roof and she knows what to look for. Being head of the staff just makes her a little keener on all of the "undercover" business.

"Mmhmm…"

She leaves it at that and we finish taking care of all of the knick-knacks around the huge room. Some of them we cleaned and they won't even be in the room for the party, but she figures the room will look better afterward than it did before. It feels like a waste of time, but I can agree.

It took three hours to dust everything, and another two to vacuum and scrub the floor, and then an additional hour to move all of the unwanted stuff and furniture out. Tomorrow a set of maids will bring in all of the tables and chairs Lindsay wants and organize them before putting the finishing touches on the room with decorations. Then the East Dining Hall will be sealed off until Friday morning when another set of maids will go through and re-dust everything so that it still shines for the party that night.

Although I'm excited for Lindsay, and for meeting Armando, I can't say I'm thrilled to be in the same room as Ziven. I never told Lindsay what happened, but now I can't because it might ruin her special dinner. Not to mention her birthday is in two more weeks and I'd hate to damper that too.

I'm stuck in a rut here. A big, giant, uncomfortable and tragic rut. It seems nothing can ever go my way, can it?