This wasn’t how I wanted to die.
The cement floor was cold beneath my body, my fingers gripping into nothing as I tried to hold onto something; anything. The air was stale; it was oxygen that had been locked up inside of this old warehouse for years. It clung to the metal framing; all of the screws and nuts and bolts that held this place together. All the oxygen in this place and I still couldn’t catch my breath.
When I was little, I always dreamt of being a teacher; I wanted to mark papers and take the attendance and teach other kids like me the stuff my parents said. The important things, the type of words that stuck with you throughout your entire life. But I had learned more in the past six months with Team Free Will than I ever would have, if I’d decided to stay in school. Road tripping through an apocalyptic America gave you so much more than a prestigious university and a piece of paper in return for four years of your life.
The battle continued on without me. It was a common error that most humans had; all thinking we were the lead role in the great big story of our lives. It was never all about our single insignificant lives. It was about all of ours together; and the knowledge that hundreds of thousands of us could die and we as a whole, as a human race, would survive.
Cas, Dean, Sam, Ellen, Jo and I. The six of us had been together since they rescued me from the average neighbourhood Pagan God bent on having an end of the world feast. It had taken nearly no persuasion on my part to let me join because of Cas. He’d heard the angels talk of me, he said. Whispers of my name, prophecies I was to fulfill. And dammit, he’d been right.
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind
---
“I want to help.”
“No.” Dean’s voice was stern and full of authority.
“But I want to—”
“Look kid. You don’t know what it’s like right now. This,” He gestured to the mutilated bodies of former Mr. and Mrs. Creyling lying on the floor. “this isn’t even a fraction of what it’s like out there.” I opened my mouth to protest again but we were both interrupted.
“Your name is Fiona Richter.” The angel, Castiel said. His voice was monotone; his features uncarved. This blank canvas void of any true emotion. “You are the daughter of Rosa and Marco Richter. When you were twelve you spoke to God.”
I was silent for a moment, studying him before replying “How did you—”
“She has to come.” He was facing Sam and Dean, urgency showing up in slivers through the syllables of his words. “The angels have spoken of her; She is vital.”
---
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat, I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness, So darkness I became
If I thought that one day I’d fling myself in front of a hell hound to save Dean’s ass then I might’ve not been so happy about the angels talking about me. But then again, he was Michael’s vessel. And whether or not Dean decided to say yes, he was still of much more importance to this world than I was. As I pumped more and more blood from the gaping hole in my abdomen, I laughed at the irony of dying for life. The life of others.
I knew deep within me, in the most sheltered part of my soul that this was how it was supposed to end. Sam and Dean would pull through in the end; they would save the world from Lucifer and the angels and everything would be saved. Maybe things wouldn’t be back to normal, not right away, but eventually everyone would realize what they’d made it through. They’d realize how close they had actually come.
The gunshots and sound of knives slipping into skin and demon’s cries all faded and I was aware I had let my eyes shut. We were all drowning in silence; this overwhelming nothingness that enveloped us. They’d won, of course. I knew they would. In spite of my current situation a smile crept onto my face; a spasm of muscles that spelled out victory.
“Fiona.”
My eyes fluttered open to the much too close face of Cas. His eyes were intensely fixated upon my own; as if he were looking into my soul. I laughed a little, coughing up blood before forcing out a few words.
“Personal space, Cas.” He immediately backed up, but frowned. It looked so foreign on him; emotion.
“Jesus, Fiona…” Sam whispered, kneeling beside me.
“What’s life without a few battle scars?” I joked, but he grimaced while he eyed my wound.
“The hell were you thinking?” Dean spit out, beating himself up over everyone else’s decision as usual.
“It was my destiny.” I mocked in an airy voice. I felt pressure on my side, and watched as Cas held a cloth against my wound. Laughing, I looked up at him skeptically. “Something tells me that isn’t gonna work.”
Howling pierced the distance, and everyone exchanged worried looks. I pitied them; wanting to stay but knowing they had to leave. I glanced over and smiled again at the emotion overrunning Cas. It reminded me of all the times I’d explain things to him; explain humans and all things related.
---
“I don’t understand, why do you want me to say my name?” He said to the cell phone clutched awkwardly in his palm. I couldn’t help but laugh, earning a desperate look from Cas.
“Oh Cas, you’re hopeless.” I teased. He stood in the middle of the hotel room as I laced my shoes on.
“…But I do have hope.” He was confused again; which only fed the smile on my face. It was an odd fascination we had with one another. I’d asked him why he always followed me around, and he replied, It feels natural to protect you.
“Well, let’s go my dear.”
“I am not an Odocoileus virginianus.” He followed after me as I left the motel room, heading towards the parking lot.
“Sweetheart you are definitely one of those things.” I said quietly.
“Where are we going?”
“Well the gang is out talking to sources, so I personally am going to the mall for a new jacket.”
“We are driving.” He always stated his questions, making him even funnier.
“We do not have a car, so we are walking.” I turned to look at him, but felt a tingling sensation and was blinded for a moment. Once my vision returned to me I saw we were surrounded by people staring widely at us; all clutching bags from various stores. “Or we’re teleporting; that works too.”
“Driving is slow. Walking is slower.”
I shook my head, lacing my fingers with his and pulling him through the revolving door. Looking back at him as we exited, his eyes were glued on the contraption we had come out of. His eyes then traveled to our joined hands; his confused looking staying the same.
“This is similar to a dog’s leash.”
“No, silly. People do it. Look around, Cas.” I turned my attention to the nearest place where I might find a jacket. There was a department store to our right, and so I tugged away. For an angel that had been on earth for some time, he seemed overwhelmed with all of the people he was near.
We didn’t set one foot into the perfume department without being spotted by the typical vulture salesman. The man looked to be near my age, mid twenties or so. Definitely homosexual. The second he spoke he reminded me of one of my closest friends back in Illinois, Alex. Probably Alexa by this point.
“Hello there, how are you doing this lovely day?”
“It’s the apocalypse.” Cas said, seriously confused at the boy’s optimism.
“Well aren’t we a Debbie Downer?” He teased before turning back to me. “Tell me darling, are you more of a Dior or Chanel girl?”
“Her name is Fiona.”
“What a protective little boyfriend you’ve got.”
“Oh, he’s—”
“Or maybe some Gucci to make you smell divine?”
“Are you saying,” Castiel paused, cocking his head to the side while reading the poor boy’s nametag. “Ralph, that she does not smell heavenly?”
“Cas.” I elbowed him to hush him up, before kindly explaining I didn’t want any perfume. Ralph wished us a happy day and let us be on our way. But even as we left, Cas turned around to stare at the boy. His hand was still in mine, though, so as he walked backwards his left arm was stretched across his body. “He was just doing his job, silly.”
“Why would anyone want a job where you tell people they don’t smell good?”
-----
“Get out of here, guys.” I choked, trying not to look at all of their painful expressions but wanting to remember them all the same.
“Fiona we can’t just leave you.” Jo forced out, tears welling in her eyes.
“Don’t be silly. You think I joined up with you guys expecting a sightseeing tour across the states?”
“She’s right.” Cas said, eyes still studying me.
“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” Ellen said. “Can’t you just beam her outta here? Get her somewhere safe?”
“Guys, it’s over. Go out and save the world.” I paused to cough up more of my own blood. I could feel my own body giving up on me. “Don’t let me die for nothing.” The howling edged closer and still they remained.
“You have to go.” Cas said to the crew, taking a seat beside me. “I’ll hold them off and find you after.”
“Castiel—” I began to protest, but he silenced me with a single look. Jo was the first one to wrap her arms around my neck, sobbing into my matted hair as she struggled to get out a goodbye. Ellen was swift to follow, telling me that she loved me and that I was going to a better place. The two then got their guns ready and began to retreat. Sammy came up, nearly tearing up himself, and gingerly wrapped his giant arms around my broken body.
“I’m so sorry.” He breathed.
“I know Sammy, I know.” He got up and ushered Ellen and Jo out of the door as Dean knelt before me.
“You did good, kid. Saved my ass half a dozen times. It’s a damn good thing Cas heard those damn angels.” He was struggling so hard not to cry, so hard that it made me tear up. He stuttered out fragmented sentences before finally taking a moment. Howling forced the last words out of him. “You’re the damn closest thing I ever had to a sister, and now I gotta watch you die.”
“See you on the flip side.” I winked, evoking a smile out of him. He leaned forward and planted a kiss on my forehead before heading towards the door. In four seconds time it was just Castiel, me, and the nearing hell hounds. “Talk to me, Cas.”
“What would you like me to say.” Again, the question as a statement. His left arm was wrapped behind my back and around to hold down the useless patch on my skin.
“Something happy. A memory.”
“A memory…A happy memory.” He pondered for a moment, staring at me the entire time and not acting confused anymore as I laid my head on his shoulder. “My happiest memories on earth are experiencing mundane things. With you.”
---
“Jo, heads up I’m towel-less!” I cautioned through the door, water from my wet hair still dripping down my back. As usual, Jo had used the last towel after her shower. And so, as usual, I was left to make a quick naked run to the closet to get one.
“Roger that.” She yelled back over the din of the television. Turning the knob, I wandered out onto the spongy carpeted floor. There was a sudden gust of wind, and Cas was standing in front of me. I screamed, struggling to cover myself as Jo laughed and went to get me a towel. The only reason I wasn’t yelling at the trench-coated angel was because his eyes never travelled anywhere other than my own. I slapped my hand over his eyes until Jo gave me the cottony dignity-saver.
“Do you know what a door is?”
“Yes.”
“Well next time you should use one, sweetheart.” I mumbled, turning him around while I gathered my clothes.
“What’s a Kin-e-ma?” He was staring at the other half of the motel room as I got dressed.
“Cinema, Cas. It’s a movie theatre.”
“Movie theatre…” He mumbled to himself. I exchanged a look with Jo, who nodded towards the door. I laughed, pulling my shirt over my head and grabbing my phone and room key.
“C’mon.”
***
“I don’t understand. How does—” His outdoor voice was cut off by the shushes of our fellow movie-goers. We were in hour 1.45 of Avatar, and Cas had been asking questions the entire time. I leaned in to whisper in his ear.
“You can’t talk loud in a theatre, silly.” He waited until I finished before mimicking me.
“How does the blue girl love him when the blue man isn’t in his true form?” I looked over at him, hesitating a moment before replying.
“Because when you fall in love, it’s never with someone’s vess—body. You fall in love with the person themselves.”
I broke off the continued eye contact before putting my feet up on the empty seat before me. I popped some more gummy bears into my mouth as Cas mimicked me, putting his shoes up on the occupied chair in front of him.
“Buddy, d’you mind?” The man in front of him said.
“No.” He replied, oblivious to the fact he was annoying the man. I could never get over how funny he looked in those 3D glasses.
---
I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
“I understand now.”
“Understand what?”
“Why God loves you.” Cas replied, his hand twisting into mine just as I had a million times before. “Humans. From heaven you seem so simple. But you are so…intricate. There is meaning within you.”
“Do you know, Cas?” I said quietly, the hounds beginning to circle the warehouse. My blood had successfully saturated the left half of his beige trench coat, but he took no notice.
“You mean do I know if you are going to heaven.”
“Yes, Castiel.” I laughed, his formalities always getting the better of me.
“I am not permitted to—” Interrupting him, I turned my head upwards to meet his eyes.
“Not permitted? Shall we truly explore the things you’ve done that aren’t permitted?” I teased. He blinked, and then gave in.
“You will be happy. Your heaven is a beautiful place.” I mused at the thought.
“Didn’t think I’d be going after last night.” Risking a glance up at him, I captured a rare sight. Castiel, the rebel angel of the Lord, was smiling.
---
“Tomorrow’s the big night, Cas.” The gang was in the other room, planning the following day’s events.
“Yes.”
“Can’t you just…beam me to Florida? Or Cuba? Somewhere nice and warm for a few hours?”
“Fiona…”
“Just a few. You’ll know if anything’s up here, we can always come back.”
“We.” He questioned.
“We.” It was a statement, and I gave the best puppy-dog look that I could muster. With an exhale of his breath I knew I’d won, and went into the other room to give everyone a heads up. “We’ll be back in a little while.”
“Where are you going?” Sam asked, looking up at me as Cas wandered after me.
“Hawaii.” Cas replied from beside me. Dean caught my eye and wiggled his eyebrows at me, evoking a laugh.
“Get ‘er done.” He chimed.
“I don’t understand—” I pushed him back into the other room, and felt the familiar sensation of angel teleportation. Before I opened my eyes I could smell the sea salty air. A smile crept into place as I opened my eyes to a beautiful view of the sea. We were in a hotel suite with an unbelievable view and stunning furnishings. Everything was gold and red; rich. Taking a deep breath, I turned to face Cas.
“I feel like Marilyn Monroe, this place is too classy for an Illinois girl.”
“I don’t understand that reference.”He replied. I smiled, walking up to him and taking Jo’s advice. I slipped off his coat, and as it fell I wrapped my hand around his tie. Pulling it towards me, our lips met in a kiss. Pulling away, he was clearly confused.
“I…I don’t understand—”
“Sweetheart, this might be our last night on earth. I’m not gonna let you die a virgin.” His eyes widened and he stayed frozen. “Just follow my lead.” I connected our lips once more, and it took him a few moments to respond at all. But he did, and I slowly began to work away his clothing. He was so cautious with anything and everything related to human emotion.
---
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
“Tell me, Cas, have you found out what love is?” I asked quietly. He didn’t respond right away, instead the sound entering my ears were the hell hound’s feet pushing at the doors.
“Love...” He said in almost a whisper. “I think…”
The doors burst open and I jolted, feeling the last bit of consciousness drain from me. If anything else happened on earth I was completely unaware. Blank nothingness took over me, and suspended me for what felt like an eternity. I was no longer aware of my body; I was just a soul. Nothing more, nothing less. A soul was what everyone was; the bodies we occupied only ever temporary.
But slowly my senses returned. I had a body once more; one that was not broken. My eyes opened to a trail in a forest, and I began to walk it. Every few steps a memory bombarding my skull. I remembered my life before Team Free Will and my life after it. I remembered every person that had ever been important to me and every tiny blessed emotion I’d had. All of it was a blessing, my entire life.
Memories paved the path to my own heaven, which I found in good time. I had imagined Heaven to be this beautiful white place full of clouds and golden gates; but my heaven was one big playground. Literally. It was a giant jungle gym where my parents had taken me as a child. And they were there, in the distance, mingling among the many happy children. Children who only knew happiness here.
“Fiona.” I turned to the source of the voice, cocking my head to the side at his image.
“Castiel?” I breathed. “I thought you couldn’t…I thought I was…Am I—”
“You are.”
“Then what are you doing here?”
“Answering your question.” He said simply, taking smooth strides over to me. I struggled to remember what he was talking about; my focus was so drawn to the happiness awaiting me ahead. Then I recalled—demons, hell hounds, and an ambush. I was dead. What had I asked him?
“I can’t remember…”
“Love is a result of a chemical balance in a Homo sapien’s brain, involving the chemicals serotonin and oxytocin.” I felt my heart drop a little, and I lowered my gaze. But he took a few frantic steps closer and continued to talk. “But it is also the feeling of balloons inside and inexplicable magnetism. It is when things like eyes resemble stars and being together feels like being near God.”
“I think…” He took another step towards me until he was close enough to push a stray hair behind my ear. Smiling, he cupped my face with his hands and brought his lips to mine. Tears welled in my eyes as I placed my arms around his neck. His fell to my waist and he held me against him as he pulled away.
“I think this is love.”
Just stay with me baby, cause it’s true
Our love is cosmic, out of this world.
