QEllie, I've made two big mistakes - the first was cheating on my husband with a married co-worker. I won't cheat again after i found out the signs he is cheating. I'm committed to reconnecting with my husband and identifying what caused it. The second mistake was confiding in my best friend, who told her husband. Now this secret is hanging over our friendship. Because we spend time as couples, my friends say they don't know "how it's going to be" when we're together. I've asked her to forget it and move on, because that's what I'm trying to do, but I'm not sure she can. Is there any way for me to move on with my husband without telling him something that will only hurt him? Will our relationship with my friends be able to survive this?
Torn Apart
AYou can't erase these mistakes by pushing "Delete." Once you told your friend, this bad news will somehow affect your husband. He'll see their awkwardness and ask questions; or his friend won't trust you and want his wife to stay away; or his friend will feel compelled to tell your husband. Then, he'll be doubly hurt by your betrayal and deceit. It's great that you can convince yourself that you've resolved your cheating but you haven't convinced me because you've done none of the tough couple-work needed to find out why this happened and to make your husband feel secure (do you really believe he had no clue something was different?). So tell your husband and get couples counselling. It's the only sure way to try to move forward. And good friends will be supportive when they know you're both working on your marriage, and they don't have to lie or hide what they know.
QI'm a man, 30, healthy, with a supportive family, a loving girlfriend and great friends, yet I feel a void inside. It's based on my limited university experience. I graduated with a B.A, however, I feel I could've done more. I have this urge to go back since my job doesn't fully satisfy me and the job market is very competitive. However, mostly it's to prove to myself that I could achieve the highest education, making me feel complete. I have this conflict about whether I can do this since I also must think about marriage. It makes me frustrated and angry.
Conquering My Past
ALucky you to have choices! You can dither about this the rest of your life and keep up the attention-getting "conflict," or you can talk this over with your girlfriend, parents and a career counsellor to determine a mature, responsible path. This could mean going back to university now, for a specific degree that will advance your job opportunities, or it could mean developing a plan, such as working several more years to marry and save money, then return to school, etc. But if you see yourself seeking more and more degrees to feel "complete," you may need a reality check from a therapist, since that feeling comes from efforts in many areas of life, not just formal education.
QMy boyfriend of 18 months loves me, wants to live together and eventually marry. I'm confused about my feelings. We met on a project; I wasn't attracted to him but sensed his attraction. I looked forward to seeing him. We dated and I fell in or was it lust ... I don't know. I'm sometimes turned off and worry he isn't right for me. I once broke it off for three months but was miserable. In the past, I've not been successful with long-term relationships. My boyfriend is patient, caring and loving, and we share a lot of interests.
Is there something wrong with me for being afraid to commit when my feelings go up and down?
Yo-Yo Girlfriend
ADon't rush into living together OR breaking up, this sounds more about you than him. You need to explore what it is that makes your feelings change; is it something he does or says or how he treats you? If yes, your instinct that he's not the person to whom you want to commit may be a good one and you need to speak up about what's wrong rather than flee. But if these feelings come from a fear of "settling" or facing new responsibilities and changes, talk to an individual counsellor about your pattern in relationships.
Does your spouse cheating on you? Find out why spouses cheat to underestand that better.
