Your Nickel Ain't Worth My Dime... [Kellin Quinn] ch.22I'M A JERK. I HAVEN'T UPDATED AND I'M SORRY! But here's chapter 22! Message, rate, banners.... COOL:) This is an intense chapter so beware.
Growing up, I lived with my mom up until I graduated highschool. I considered my mom to be one of my best friends. But that was just it. She acted like a teenager. I understand her teen years were limited because she got pregnant with me. But I always felt like she blamed that on me. It's like she was living through me because she never got the opportunity. She had to grow up quickly. Except she doesn't understand that I did too. Her and my dad got divorced when I was three. I went back and forth between my mom and my dad for years. And when I was with my mom, she treated me like a friend. She never yelled at me, never grounded me, never disciplined me at all. I know that sounds awesome but it's not all it's cracked up to be. The purpose of misbehaving or getting yourself into trouble is the suspense of it and the excitement of doing what you're not supposed to. It's no fun when your mom is completely okay with whatever you're doing. It defeats the purpose.
My mom always took care of me though. Despite the number of boyfriends she brought home, she always cared. Sometimes she lost herself in these guys and lacked her senses a little. But I learned to take care of myself so she never really had to often. We were comfortable that way. Or I thought I was okay with it. Now it seems as if I could've used her comfort. Especially after Kellin cheated. But I never got her sympathy.
"You'll find someone else. Don't sweat it Bay."I could almost picture her shrug as I held the phone to my ear. As if this was casual.
"You don't understand."I breathed as I closed my eyes. It hasn't even been a week since I broke up with Kellin. I explained how he cheated while he was on tour and how upset I am and that's all my mom had to say.
"Honey, I've had plenty of guys cheat on me. You dump them and move on. There's nothing else to it."she replied. I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair. I sat on the couch with a pillow in my lap, picking at the fabric of it.
"It's not the same mom. You never loved any of those guys. You were with them for a month tops."I responded, now frustrated at her ignorance.
"It's the same thing. That's what you get with band guys like Kellin. They can't fight the temptation."she said blandly. I laughed bitterly and felt my eyes burning.
"I called you in hopes that you might make me feel better so can you please put aside your ignorant opinion and at least pretend to be sympathetic?"I choked out with evident edge to my voice.
"Oh stop Bay. I'm being honest with you. Something Kellin clearly wasn't capable of otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation right now."she retorted. I hung up and threw my phone to the opposite end of the couch.
In any other situation, I'd call Kellin after having a conversation where my mom was being like this. He understood my relationship with her and he'd always make me feel ten times better. Now that I can't turn to him, I decided to call Michael.
"Your mom is self absorbed Bay. That's nothing new. She's always been like that. That's what makes her who she is. You can either take it or leave it."he explained.
"I know. It just gets frustrating. I've dealt with that my whole life. Just this once I would've liked her to at least pretend that she cared. Give me the spotlight for a second."I vented.
"Like I said, that'swho she is. It could getannoying but you love your mom too much to stay mad. That's how these fights always end."he chuckled. I smiled and nodded.
"Yeah. I should've known togo to your mom for sympathy."I joked, referring to Dina.
"And I'm sure she'd love to talk to you. Sheconsiders you her daughter. She lives for that kind of stuff."he responded. I just nodded as if hecould see me through the phone.
"Well thanks for listening. I'll talk to you later."I mumbled.
"Alright. Chin up Bay. You'll be alright."he said before hanging up. I breathed out deeply as Isat there.
I drove home from work with a cd playing lightly in the backgound. I cursed myself once I realized that I meant to call Michael this morning. Idecided to just let it wait until I gothome.
I haven't spoken to Kellin since I last saw him that night about a month and a half ago. They're back from Warped but I haven't seen much of SWS. I talk to Justin multiple times a week but have yet to see any of them. I talk to Brett and Michael on the phone everyday before work. I make it a point to call and check in.
Remember that girl Liz? She used to be Michael's girlfriend? Yeah well they broke up the night I got into that huge fight with Michael on Warped a little over two years ago. Thankfully.
It's agood thing he dumped her too, orelse he wouldn't have foundSarah. They were friends since they were kidsbut never more until almost immediately after things ended with Liz. I absolutely love Sarah which is a plus. Their relationship moved fairly quickly and they've been together all this time. Twoyearsalready. She's perfect for him in every single way possible. I'mglad to see him as happy as he is. Especially since we recently found out that Sarah's pregnant.They've been engaged for about a year and the wedding is set fornext summer. The pregnancy thing kind of just happened so don't think they're only gettingmarried because she's pregnant. They are young but I know they'll make it.They love each other too much not to.
They always had something between them. Honestly, Michael liked her all along.She lived on the same block andour dadand Dina were friends of her parents. Sarah is the sweetest girl with a personality that just makesyou like her. She's full of life and she loves my brother more than anyone could ever imagine. I would know because I see the way she looks at him. I used to look at Kellin that way. I can't help but think that I still do.
The sound of myphone ringing snapped me out of my wandering thoughts. I saw Sarah's name flash the screen. I didn't think anything of it considering I talk to her everyday. ButI recognized that something wasn't right.
"Hey can I callyouback? I'm driving."I answered.
"Bay get here now."she screamedinto the phone. I could barely hear anything over herear wrenching sobs. My stomach twisted and I stepped on thegaspedal harder.
"What do you mean? What's going on?"I tried to stay calm.
"They hit him and the car flip[ed. We're at the hospital please come."she said in a hurry before the line went dead.
How I managed to get to the hospital was a complete blur. All I could feel was the shaking of my hands on the steering wheel.
I pulled into the parking lot and literally pulled up onto the sidewalk, where I shut off the car and ran in a full on sprint into the hospital.
I stopped in the center of the waiting room for a second and it felt as if the entire room was spinning. I was looking for a familiar face to explain to me what the hell was going on.
My heart dropped when I saw Dina sitting on the floor with her arms wrapped around Sarah who looked inconsolable. Dina was sobbing herself. Brett sat on a chair with his head in his hands. My dad talking to a doctor trying to keep it together.
My dad turned his head and saw me. I was afraid to get any closer. I wanted to backtrack until before I got that phone call. I wanted to go back to normal before I got any more news. Especially bad news which was pretty evident.
My dad and the doctor slowly inched their way towards me. I wasn't ready. I shook my head in hopes that it may snap me out of this confusion. I was trembling as they stopped in front of me.
"Where's Michael?"I asked immediately, my voice strong but a little raspy. As their faces fell, so did the tears that were built up in my eyes.
"Where is my brother?"I questioned, my voice cracking at the end. My dad pinched the bridge of his nose and squinted his eyes closed as tears fell down his cheeks. I've never seen my dad cry.
"He didn't make it Bay."he breathed out without opening his eyes. I shook my head as if this was all a huge joke. No. This couldn't be real.
I watched as Brett stood and walked over to us. He put his arm around my dad's shoulders and squeezed his shoulder as my dad just lost it. Brett's face was streamed with tears and his chin was quivering as he looked down at the ground.
"I'm so sorry for your loss."the doctor said with the look of sympathy on his face. Like he genuinely felt for us.
He slowly began to walk away to give us our space.
"Can I see him? Dad can I see him?"I asked, my voice shaky. He shook his head.
"We can't. They said it's best if we don't."he replied, his voice trying to be strong.
"I want to see him. They can't keep me from seeing my brother."I said, progressively getting louder.
"Bay stop."Brett mumbled.
"No. I'm going to see Michael."I said even louder. I turned around to run into the hallway and Brett pulled me back by putting his arm around my waist.
"Stop."I shouted as I thrashed around in his arms. "Let me go."I screamed as I clawed at his arms. He let go for a second because I scratched him hard so I took that opportunity to make a run for it.
I started to run before both my dad and Brett grabbed me by the arms. I was screaming and thrashing around until Brett spun me around and hugged me. I collapsed to the ground on my knees and Brett mimmicked me. He hugged me as I sobbed inconsolably. I could hear him sniffling and feel his tears staining my shirt. This moment was so unreal. I couldn't have lost him. My brother, my best friend. He's too young. He has so much to live for. He's supposed to outlive me. He was gonna be 21 so soon. He's still a kid. Well to me at least. He can't leave me. He can't leave us. He's supposed to get married in a few months. He's supposed to have a baby. He's finally happy. How could this possibly happen to such a genuine and amazing person? How am I supposed to get through losing someone so important to me? How can I even begin to comprehend never being able to pick up the phone and hear his voice again? How can I go to my dad's house everyday and not see his face? How can this be real?
All I could do was stare at the casket during the funeral. I couldn't look anyone in the eye. It looked as if I was frozen. So many people came to pay their respects. Everyone with tears in their eyes. It seemed as it the entire Warped tour came throughout the two days we held the wake. The burial was the hardest part. I held onto Sarah's hand the whole time. She just held her stomach. My family and I stood apart from everyone else. The only sound heard was Dina weeping. I felt like I couldn't breath. Like my heart was being smothered. Sarah's hand started to shake as she wiped at her eyes with a tissue. I didn't blame her though considering I've been shaking for days.
I lifted my head for the first time all day and saw the entire band of Sleeping With Sirens standing on the opposite side. All dressed in black suits, a mix of sadness and sympathy on their faces. Kellin's eyes caught mine and I held his gaze. I wanted to look away but I wouldn't let myself. I felt my lip quiver and my eyes fill up so I had to look away. He seemed to realize so he looked down. This wasn't my idea of reuniting with the guys.
Ryan stood next to me holding my free hand. I was thankful he was here. I really appreciated it. It didn't really feel right though. Michael never liked Ryan. He never accepted him because he believed wholeheartedly that I would end up with Kellin, one way or another. Everytime I saw him he would mention Kellin. One of the last conversations I had with him was about Kellin. I have to cherish those kinds of things now.
The priest looked up at me to make my speech. My dad asked me to write something because he knew neither him nor anyone else in my family could get up there and say something. I was being strong for all of them.
I cleared my throat and stood at the podium thing set up. My hands shook to the point where I couldn't read my own speech off the paper. So I put it down and looked up at the crowd of people gathered, listening intently.
"I wrote a whole three pages trying to justify how it feels to lose someone so important to me. Now as I stand hereI can safely say that's impossible."I started off strong. I looked down and that's when I realized my eyes started filling up. I took a deep breath in and out.
"Michael was my best friend. Since we were kids we always had that strong bond and we were inseperable. The age gap never meant a thing. He was always the most genuine and loving person with the greatest laugh. I think everyone here could vouch for me on that one."I managed to smile just thinking about his laugh. Just bringing it up kind of brightened everyone's face a little. My smile faded and my eyebrows furrowed. The tears started to stream down my face now.
"About a week or so ago, we went to lunch like we do pretty often, but the conversation was different than usual. I always went to Michael when I was upset or I was thinking about things too much. He always told me 'Stop thinking so much. You're gonna strain yourself'." I said with a small laugh thinking back at that memory. Everyone smiled and I heard a few laughs.
"But he was always there when I needed him. And latelyI've really needed him.So he told me 'Things are tough right now, but they won't always be that way. You'll have some good days and some bad.'."I started but my voice began to crack. I cleared my throat and shifted my weight. I shook my head as I breathed out, tears falling. I watched as everyone wiped at their eyes. Kellin just stared at me intently.
"He told me 'But I saw you at your happiest once. And I believe wholeheartedly that you will be again. Someday you're gonna be so happy Bay.'."I said through tears.
"I don't know how I'm supposed to be happy through all of this. It seems completely impossible to be happy when my best friend was ripped away from me so suddenly. There won't be a day that I don't think about him and get a sickening feeling in my stomach knowing that he's gone. But I know that I'll find my way back to being the happiest I can be for him and the beautiful and incredible family he had to leave behind. And I want tothank you all for coming. It means a lot to all of us."I finished, crying the entire time.
I stepped away from the podium and Sarah hugged me. After we pulled away, I watched as people paid their final respects and began to disperse.
Jamie came and stood next to me as everyone hugged me and kissed my cheek. Saying that if I needed anything to let them know. Some telling me my speech was beautiful. And then I turn to see Kellin standing off to the side, as if he was waiting his turn. My heart dropped and the tears came back with a vengeance. Anytime I looked at him I cried and I had no idea why.
I stepped closer to him slowly. He stood there with his hands in the pockets of his pants. I stopped briefly just to look at him. I couldn't even say anything like 'thank you for coming'. I couldn't think of anything to say.
I breathed out shakily as I wrapped my arms around his neck slowly, my vision repeatedly blurring and releasing the tears. I buried my head in the crook of his neck and just continued to take shaky breaths. I couldn't stop my entire body from shaking. He didn't even hesitate to wrap one arm around my mid back and the other around my lower waist. His grip on me was secure and I couldn't pull away if I tried, not that I wanted to at all. His head was buried in my shoulder and his hand rubbed up and down my side leaving me with chills.
I heard someone clear their throat and I looked up to see Ryan standing there. I caught Kellin's jaw clench as he pulled away. He looked down at me, ignoring Ryan's presence. He put both hands on either side of my face and wiped the tears off my face with his thumbs.
"You're gonna be alright."he mumbled as his hands secured the side of my face to assure that I'm looking at him. "I promise."he added. I nodded as I breathed in.
"And call me Bay. Anytime. Day or night. If you have nothing to do. Just please."he pleaded. I nodded again. I tried to smile weakly for him because he doesn't like it when I cry. As soon as he saw my attempt he smiled immediately. He stroked my cheek with his hand and just looked at me. I could see his hesitation when he walked away.
Michael must be smiling down at me right now. I'm trying.
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