My eyes are sore.
I've honestly never cried so much in my life. I stole Matt's laptop and went through my e-mails. All the ones from Danny. Oh, I miss him. I sat in the bus alone. The boys were out doing God-knows-what, although I pretty much know Justin is just trying to avoid me. I missed him. What do you do without your best friend? Will he ever forgive me? What did I really do? Just have sex with Patrick. And Nick. A year ago. Damn, how long can Justin hold a grudge?
We were still in California and the heat was killing me. Las Vegas was soon though and I knew that would be even worse. The heat was making me crazy.
I closed up Matt's laptop and went outside for fresh air. Ooooh, yeah we just had to park right next to Fall Out Boy, didn't we? I saw Patrick alone outside his bus, not doing much, just standing there and kicking the dirt. "Patrick."
He jumped a little bit. "Oh. Lacie."
I sighed. "Look, I'm really sorry-"
"Don't apologize. And I'll talk to Justin. He has no reason to be so mad at you."
I didn't know what to say. "I, uh..." I shrugged. "Word really does spread fast around here."
"Heh. Get used to it. It's like every move you make is watched. Every breath is frozen then inhaled by someone else...There's no room to breathe here."
He looked sort of angry. Or upset. I dunno, I'm not the best at interpreting emotions. "Patrick...Do you not like it here?"
Patrick shook his head. "No. I love the Warped Tour. I'm tired of getting dumped on it though."
I gasped. "Oh no, Patrick, this is all my fault! I'm so sorry-"
"No," he said again. "She even said it's not because of you."
"Then...why?"
He sighed. "I don't know, Lacie. I really don't know. Get some sleep, okay?"
I nodded through the dark. "You too. I think you need it more than me."
He watched me for a second and studied my expression. "Good night, Lacie."
I waved. "G'night."
He walked away quickly enough and I returned to the bus, feeling tired. I laid in Tony's bunk, thinking Justin might be mad if he came back (if he was ever going to) and found me in his bed. It was nearly midnight; the whole venue was quiet, which made me wonder if the guys were even here. Where would they have gone? Maybe they just wanted to get away from me. Likely. Probably.
I started to cry again. Horrible. It's unstoppable, I swear. Tony's pillow was going to be tear-stained that night. I flipped through my CD case and put on some soft, slow stuff in my earphones then slower than I'd ever known, fell asleep.
"Wake her up, Justin."
"Dude, just sleep on the couch."
"Pleeease!"
I heard Tony and Justin arguing above my unasleep body. Truth was I had woken up as soon as they opened the door. I'm a light sleeper. The only noise I can sleep through is music. The first thing I noticed as the guys returned to the bus though was that someone smelled like alcohol. What kind I don't know because drinking is gross to me... Most of the time.
I squirmed as if I was dreaming or something, and silence fell over the area. It was actually kind of funny.
I was facing the wall, my back to them. Then I felt someone lay behind me, wrapping their arms around my waist and placing their lips on my almost bare shoulders. I don't have to say who it was. You already know.
But what disgusted me was that it was he that smelled like alcohol. It was probably the other guys as well but I can't remember the last time Justin drank. What's his problem?
He started kissing my skin softly, trying to wake me up, unaware I already was woken. Normally it probably would have been kind of cute, but no. This was the furthest thing from cute. I rolled over and faced him. His scent was stronger when he breathed on me. I felt like I might pass out.
"Tony kinda needs his bed back..." he breathed. "Wanna come with me over to mine?"
I was so...shocked, horrified...appalled, I did the first thing that came to mind and kneed him between his legs. He choked on his own disgusting breath and I crawled over him, yes purposely doing it as sexual as possible, and stood up. "Justin, I don't know what on earth could have possibly provoked you to want to go get drunk tonight, but you fucking know I won't talk to you when you are, let alone have drunken sex. So have a nice hangover, see you tomorrow... Maybe."
I pushed through the other guys who watched the scene in amazement. All the communication that went on between Justin and I now was the exchanging of crude comebacks. I didn't want that. My best friend most definately hates me.
I quietly tip toed through the dirt and over to my other bus. Pretty much my home these days. I'm sure they were getting annoyed with me, especially Patrick. But I wasn't going to disturb them, not even say anything to them. The MCS bus just wasn't welcoming anymore, especially tonight. Being alone with five drunk guys is actually a little scary.
I opened the door carefully and silently, which took a while. Unfortunately, I was not quiet enough. I was about to slip onto the couch just as silently, but a light flicked on. Pete. I smiled. Nothing gets past Pete. He's like...the gossip king of this freaking tour. Hell, the whole music scene in general.
"Couldn't sleep, could we?"
"No...actually I was sleeping fine. Then five drunk boys woke me up."
"Oh, Lacie-"
I shrugged off his words. "I don't want sympathy. That's what got me into this mess."
He grinned. "Let me tell you something. That little number between you and my Patrick was not 'sympathy'."
I was surprised to find myself laughing. "I actually believe it's a lyric of yours, Mr. Wentz."
He laughed as well, showing off his shiny smile like he always did. "I guess you're right."
"I'm sorry though. Does he hate me?"
"No, no, he loves you," Pete half-whispered.
Patrick never loved me. Nor ever will. Just friends. "So...can I stay here tonight? Please?"
"'Course. As long as you need."
Pete reminded me of Justin right there. The old Justin. Well I'm not sure I had the right to establish an "old Justin", considering he hadn't been an asshole for even a week, but he's well on his way. But Justin was there for me...and always eager to help me out. Always. So was Pete.
"Thanks."
"Sleep well," said Pete before returning the room to darkness. I settled on the couch and pulled a random blanket over me, closing my eyes. I didn't expect it, but I actually felt kind of peaceful.
Sit back, relapse.
you should try saying no once in a while.
sorrysorrysorry. I'm well aware that took ages to get out.
<3
