Don't you ever say I just walked away, I will always want you

Day 16: Realization "... I will always want you."

Created by ShipsForYou on Monday, October 07, 2013

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Over the past few days I have tried pretty hard not to let you enter my thoughts, but it happened anyways; Im glad it did. After listening to The Scientist by Coldplay and Wrecking ball by Miley Cyrus on repeat for the longest time, I’ve come to a conclusion and realization (though it is indeed painful). As much as I’m sure that I’ll always want you, in at least some way, and I will always want to want you, it’s probably not the same for you. After everything that’s happened to you in life, I am now convinced that you were not trying to be hurtful when you said that you’re just tired and that you think I jumped the gun with this breakup. I do think you were lying when you said you weren’t hurt, because I know what you look like when you’re sad and hurt, as much as you probably now wish that I didn’t. You’re probably tired of the people who you let see what your heart looks like, inside and out, rip it out and shove it in your face over and over again. I know that that’s what I did, and for that I’m sorry. The memory of when we layed in my bed and discussed why you bottled up you emotions is playing through my head over and over and over again. I keep wondering… do you resent me for what I said? Oh baby, you don’t have to bottle it all up when you’re with me. I love you, Sam, just the way you are. Now that I look back on what I said, I realize just how badly I’ve fucked everything up. I told you that I love the way you are.. God! I even let you think that I might have changed my mind about marriage, about maybe having more children, even about maybe staying in Wyoming for heavens sake! The problem isn’t that I said it and meant it at the time, the problem is that I let you put more meaning behind my words than there actually was, and I know in my heart that it’s not something you should forgive me for.

It was wrong of me… It was wrong of me to cry so many times, to tell you everything the weekend before we broke up; to bear my heart to you only that

one time. It was wrong of me to give you that ring when I wasn’t sure that you would be the only one to hold it after that; it was wrong to cry the weekend before we broke up, do you remember? The night we let each other know everything… everything. From that weekend you finally knew that I was a spoiled, sorry-assed brat who once didn’t cherish life the way that you would’ve if you’d had the chance. I was so wrong… and I apologize for that. I know that you hate it when I apologize… But I don’t know what else to do. I am now (almost) sure that what I did was the best for the both of us… I now know that, in some part of my brain, I did this more for you than me. And you know what, this is how its always been. I’ve always thought that I wasn’t worthy of you, but now I know; I’ve never been worthy of you. Your strength is glorious, the way you treasure family, your hardheadedness, your perseverance, and especially your heart (even though I have no right to say it after what I’ve done). I’m sorry that the only person outside of your bloodline, me, broke your heart. I don’t mean it in the cliche way; I know what I did was more than that. I saw it, that first time I looked into your eyes after we broke up; I knew then that I hurt you more that you would ever show, but yet… I love you. As much as I know you will never want me to say it to you ever again, and as much as I know you wish I didn’t, because it would be easier for all parties involved; I Love You. Always have, and probably always will. So, in the spirit of the song that spurred me to write down my feelings again, “Don’t you ever say I just walked away, I will always want you.

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