"So... how was it there?"
Five words and this conversation had only begun in its awkwardness.
We sat on either end of a couch in his living room, no contact, not even eye contact at this point, and we just sat there. He was wringing his hands, in a way that told me this would generally be an uncomfortable conversation, and there wasn't much I could do about it.
He stared at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to tell him proudly how long I had been sober, and how I can completely beaten the disease that had tormented me for so long. Unfortunately, however, that was neither plausible, nor possible (on my part, at least), so I may have dashed all the pretty little thoughts he had in his head when I replied.
"I hated it there." I fiddled with a pillow beside me, pulling at the frayed tassels as I hugged it close to my body. "It was so... enclosed and alone... I felt so isolated from the outside world. I felt like a number, not a person."
He stared at me for a few moments, judging the validity of my response and looked back down at his hands. He didn't know what to say; I had known Frank long enough to know when he was at a loss for words.
"I'm sorry," was all that came out of his mouth.
He stared at the cushions on the couch, transfixed by the faded fibres, as I stared at him, my mouth slightly ajar. Although I somewhat knew why he had said that, I was nervous to say what I was about to say. I took a deep breath before speaking.
"I don't blame you I know I had a problem, but I definitely wasn't fond of the experience." I said slowly, making sure he had heard me. "But why didn't you reply to my letter?" I asked, my voice softer than before, dreading the answer.
'Because I wanted nothing to do with you'I expected to hear.
"I didn't know what to say." He replied, the tension building slightly. "It seemed like you knew exactly what you wanted to say, and you were so sure with your feelings I blamed myself more after I read that letter, I didn't mean to hurt you, Emily. I wanted to say something to you, but I didn't know how to put it to words."
His answer brought a little hope to me, and my heart started to slow down it's fast rhythm it began when he had first started talking. I looked into his eyes and remembered how much I used to love them...and how much I still love them.
"What aboutthat day in the hallway? You know, the day I relapsed." I asked him.
That was one of the things I mentioned in the letter, even though I was deathly afraid of the answer. That day always stuck in my memory, as the one thing that completely broke me down.
He half-laughed before talking.
Did he honestly think it was that funny?
My heart rate started to increase, and I grew more nervous as he spoke.
"She came onto me in the hallway. I have never felt so disgusted to have someone else's tongue down my throat before. I never made anything out of it, she's just kept her distance from me since then." He replied as if it was nothing.
So my actions weren't justified? I looked at him in horror, as my mind tried to grasp it. I spent nights crying over syringes being dumped into my arm for that? A simple mistake on my part that lost me my sanity and self-respect? I started to sob, breaking down into Frank's arms as he looked over in confusion.
"It was all my fault... I blamed you... but it was my fault! How could I be so blind? How could I keep silent for so long? This is all my fault!" I cried into his chest.
It was my fault, my fault for being quiet for so long, and not saying anything. It was my fault for playing the blame on him, when somewhere deep inside me, I knew that this was all ME. That it was all ME who craved the drugs, it was ME who broke down, it was ME who relapsed.
"It's not, Emily, it's not you're fault."
I shook my head and pulled out of his arms, furiously wiping the tears from my cheeks and looking him in the eye.
"No, it was my fault, I screwed myself up. I was my fault for not telling you that I loved you sooner."
And I stood up, wanting to just run straight out the door. It always seemed to come back to that, running away from my fears and my problems. I would have done it too, if it hadn't been for Frank's hand holding onto my arm, making me look down at him. Tears were welling up in my eyes before sliding down my cheeks and onto the carpeted floor. He just looked at me, his face blank, but his eyes held emotion that I hadn't seen before.
For once in my life, I couldn't read my best friend.
"Emily... I love you." With that, he embraced me, kissing me on the forehead as I continued crying. "Chris wanted me to see it, she told me it made me blind, and I was, I was completely blind when it came to you."
I stopped crying, and Frank wiped the tears from my cheeks with the pad of his thumb. And he kissed me. Everything that had ever wanted this moment, maybe not this exact moment, but everything inside felt right. His lips met mine and everything overtook us, and as his tongue slid into my mouth, I was in a separate reality. Our bodies were pressed together, and they fit perfect as we kissed. When we broke apart, I landed back on earth, fallen from cloud nine, and smiled. I pecked his lips again before talking.
"That felt so right."
"I knew it.. all along... it wasn't hard to see... I guess I just didn't want to." Mikey said finally, after a long moment of silence.
Frank had convinced me to tell Mikey, seeing as it didn't feel right for Frank to tell him. but the loo he had in his eyes was miserable, I just wanted to hug the poor kid and tell him it would all get better eventually. It was like the person that he looked up to in life was just proved a sham, a mask, nothing more than a fake smile and a couple of sayings. I felt bad for the poor kid, especially since there wasn't really much that he could do... I mean, if the guy wants to drink and be drunk, what are you going to do?
"But, he's my brother. I have to love him no matter what." Mikey said, his spirits sounding a lot happier than the emotions I could see through his eyes. "Thanks, Emily... I'm sorry you had to go through all of that...:
"It's no one's fault but mine," I said drearily. "I can't blame any one anymore.
Mikey nodded, adjusting his glasses slightly before I spoke again.
"I've got to go, Mikey. I'm really sorry, but if you need anybody to talk to, you know who to call, right?" He nodded. "I've got a date with Frank," I said with a smile, and he smiled back.
"So... you and Frank? Have fun," he replied and I thanked him before walking out his front door.
Yeah, I finally walked through his front door... it took a lot of memory suppressing to get past the front porch, but I did it. Mikey and I had become a lot closer lately, talking on more personal terms, what one would call a friend, I suppose. We walked a lot, just talking about our theories as to what life was and what it really meant to ourselves and the world around us. Plus, just bands we listened to, as we constantly traded tapes of songs that we loved. I loved that kid like a brother, and having him around was almost like having Chris back, even though that was never going to happen.
I still missed Chris and from time to time I would walk into what used to be her room and walk around it, picturing us there instead of the computer and office chairs. I didn't cry nightly, as many people would love to think, but I find comfort in the people around me.
And as for Frank, he and I have gone on a few dates so far. It's hard not to fall hard when that's all you've done for the past few years, so that's exactly what we did. I still kind of find it mind-boggling that he liked me all along... it's weird how everything has gone so fast after that. I don't see Frank everyday like I used to, especially considering I dropped out of high school, and he's in and out of bands a lot. I love listening to him play guitar and see him open up with a talent that he really wants to use for good.
So here I am, sitting in the car that I'm driving to the restaurant that I'm meeting Frank at.
So, I guess it seems like all the loose ends are tied up, and maybe I'm feeling just a bit better about everything on the inside. I mean, I had friends, a boyfriend, and my life wasn't half bad, considering I got a job last week. But... today something seems a little off. I'm starting to think I'm completely losing my mind... until I walked into the restaurant, at least.
Black hair, brown eyes, and an apprehensive smile.
The devil in black jeans.
picture in the results.
Thanks for reading! Next chapter will be the end... :(
