The Super Awesome Random Story [1]

Our story starts on a sunny spring morning in a nice little village called Summertown. Here, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and the townspeople are snoring because it’s too damn early. Summertown may have appeared to be an ordinary village, but no, here lies and evil so great, it makes big hairy men with lots of muscles go wee in their pants! Yes, they were the evil vegetables, bent on destruction. One in particular… THE CABBAGE CREEPER!

‘WAKE UP! Wake up and run for your lives!’

‘Wake up? There’s no time for waking up! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIVES PEOPLE! ARRGGHHHH!’

‘Who will rescue us?’ cried a hysterical lady, putting the back of her hand to her head while her eyes searched for the dashingly handsome man that usually came to rescue people in distress. And there!

‘Up in the sky! Is it a bird?’ said a young man.

‘Is it a plane?’ asked a young lady.

‘It’s a celery man!’ cried out a spotty, old man. And by golly, he was right!

‘That’s right! I am Celery Man!’ said the tall, green and celery-like man. ‘I heard your cries of distress on my Celery Danger-O-Meter and came at once! And where is the source of trouble?’ Any fool who had glanced around once would have known immediately exactly where the source of trouble was. But truth be told, Celery Man was a bit of an idiot. But the people of this town were also idiots and didn’t seem to care that their hero was an idiot, which made them idiots, so really, their village should have been called Idiottown. But thankfully, the founder of the town, who wasn’t quite as idiot-like as everyone else, had named it Summertown.

‘Over there Celery Man!’ cried out the lady who had asked ‘Who will rescue us?’ and just happened to be a rather large lady that looked like she could have been related to a pig, but in actual fact only had a pig for a pet, which made people think they were related. But they weren’t of course.

‘Where is there, fair lady’ said Celery Man in what he must’ve thought was a heroic voice, which might have been if it was an old dodgy black and white movie. But it wasn’t, so he sounded almost silly, but the townspeople once again, played along.

‘There!’ she cried again, pointing in the Cabbage Creeper’s direction. As you may have noticed by now, this rather large pig looking woman liked to cry out a lot. She was a bit of an attention seeker, so her normal volume was set on ‘loud’.

‘Oh, I see,’ said Celery Man, with a hand to his forehead to shield his eyes from the sun, and then dashed off at the speed of a really fast car, not the speed of lightning, because a large celery shaped mass could never cut through air that fast, but nevertheless, faster than a racing car. The Cabbage Creeper managed to spot Celery Man in his dash towards him and held up a hand.

‘Stop!’ shouted the Cabbage Creeper. And Celery Man stopped in mid-flight, his celery body horizontal, the top of his head facing in the Cabbage Creeper’s direction, obviously, and only a mere 3m, 42cm and 8mm away. I could have been more exact but to do so I would have needed a more well-defined ruler. As the narrator, I don’t get paid much so I can’t afford such fine fancies as exact rulers *Sulks* Anyway, before I get fired, let’s finish this scene. As I was saying, Celery Man made a stop in mid-flight and landed on his face. He quickly stood up and brushed himself off and made a heroic pose as though nothing embarrassing had just happened.

‘What do you want, Cabbage Creeper! Leave these poor helpless townspeople alone!’ And the big, FAT meanie that the Cabbage Creeper was, tapped a finger on his lip pretending before saying,

‘Hmm… how about NO, fool. As if I’d give up ruling this town. You know how long it’d been since I’ve had a bath? I can’t reach my friggin’ big ass backside. I will enslave these people and make them my bath minions! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!’ laughed the evil vegetables, hands waving wildly like the madman he was. ‘What are you going to do about it, Celery Head?’

‘It’s Celery Man, fat ass. I’ll fight you of course! And defeat you! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!’ There was a silence after he finished laughing.

‘You’re an idiot. YOU don’t laugh after making a speech, I do,’ spat the Cabbage Creeper.

Celery Man, realising his mistake flustered for a moment before crossing his arms and saying, ‘Fine! Be like that.’ Then uncrossed his arms and held up his fists and said ‘Let’s fight’.

‘Wait, wait. Let me give you a present.’ And the Cabbage Creeper scrunched up his already wrinkled cabbage face… and farted. Only one little boy recognised what he was about to do and ducked for cover. Everybody else, excluding the Cabbage Creeper himself, passed out. Even Celery man passed out, but not before muttering, ‘What strong winds blow’. The trees smelt the new disgusting scent on the breeze and wilted.

Alas! Now who will save Summertown? Will the boy who survived the fart be able to do anything? Will Celery man recover? Will the Cabbage Creeper’s backside ever be washed? Find out in the next chapter of The Super Awesome Random Story!