Tuesday
7:30 PM
Jack's a sweet-talker. I've established that. Or maybe, I'm just the kind of kid that can get sweet talked too easily. The junior class president got me to vote for her by a few expert lines of sweet talk. And then we made out behind the gym. Jack gets me to take pills with him with the most impressive sweet talk I've ever heard flow through my ears, mellifluous and melodramatic. Then we kiss for a long time, then we hold hands and do homework together.
It's the kind of routine you love to hate.
I don't see William much these days. But that's probably because of A) the school play, and B) Travis McCoy. I never, ever see Brendon, unless Jack drags me to a football game. It hurts, to hold Jack's hand under our coats and watch Brendon at the same time. It hurts to be with someone so bitterly lovable but to still know who you're in love with. It hurts to know I've fallen into a hole I'll never be able to get out of. A hole so dark and dirty, crawling with earthworms and spiders, the eerie things that I hate. Life is funny. I went from a heaven so pure and clean with Brendon to this hole at the center of the earth with Jack. Life's just funny.
I guess you could say we're dating. The way he looks at me definitely suggests it. In front of everybody, he lets me lay my head on his chest/shoulder area and he strokes my hair with the soft sleeve of his notorious hoodies, still in attempt to keep his fingers warm. Like now, another Friday night at Brendon's game. We're winning; we usually are. And I'm shivering in Jack's embrace; I usually am.
"You wanna go home?" he whispers to me, impossible for anyone else to hear.
I shake my head. There's nothing to do at my home, nor Jack's. Neither of us have much of a home or a family, and I guess that's just one of the ways we find comfort in each other. We're a lot alike. Not like me and Brendon. Me and Brendon are... complete opposites.
But that hole isn't getting any more shallow.
"M'kay," he says, rubbing my arm. "Tell me when you do."
I don't quite know why at all, but being at Brendon's football games is comforting, even if it is cold and somewhat boring. I don't understand football at all. I don't understand why it's so exciting and all I can do when the crowd starts cheering is wonder what's happening.
It's the middle of November and the leaves are starting to change and depart from their branches. Along with the weather, everything is changing. I may be developing my first real relationship since Brendon left, and honestly? It's scary. The drugs and all. The pressure and all. The future and all. I want to say I've moved on, and I want to say I'm ready for a new boyfriend, and I want to say there's nothing holding me back, but oh, there is.
There's the autumn leaves that Brendon and I rolled around in two years ago. Has it really been that long? An eighth of my life has passed and I'm still holding on? Maybe he's right.
Jack kisses the side of my head, and I can feel the butterflies flutter into my stomach. But they're not there for any real reason, like to scare away the earthworms or anything. Nah, those'll be eating away at me for a while.
I lift my head to look into Jack's circular brown eyes. His tired, tired eyes. I kiss his lips, and I'm shocked at myself. I'm the one making all the moves these days and it's so unlike me. I don't care anymore if the school knows I'm gay. I don't care anymore because they should just know anyway. I'm ready for the world to be ready for me. Jack's kiss is soft, sad, and delicate. He caresses my cheek with the knuckles of his fingers as I crane my neck from my head's position on his shoulder. We're awkward, but we're cute.
We're inspirational, but we're dismal.
Jack smiles at me when our lips split apart and he moves me closer to him. He's so warm and comfortable. I want to say he makes me feel so safe.
But by the time I open my mouth to tell him that, the game has already ended and I can already see Brendon and a pretty girl hugging tight at the foot of the bleachers. Her heel is popped, her teeth are white as hell, shining and illuminating off the stadium lights. Brendon's as equally happy, sweaty and dirty, but she doesn't seem to care. I've seen this girl around school, and it fucking hurts to admit she's the kind of girl you love to love.
"So where do you want to go?" Jack asks, simple and polite.
He knows I'm watching Brendon and his new love, and he knows ripping my eyes off of them is like kicking baby animals for me.
I miss him so much.
I've come to realize it's as plain as that.
everything has changed >>>
I didn't feel like going through the whole "blah blah I know I suck at updating -endlessly begs for forgiveness-" because, well, I don't deserve forgiveness =]
I'm forever a writer, and your little comments and messages are so, so kind. Thank you =]
