Anna: i know what you mean about growing up. I think every kid dreams of getting out from under their parents tyranny. but then suddenly when you only have two years left it's like..."No mommy! i don't wanna go! I wanna stay here with you!" lol, maybe not that extreme, but i can't see myself living alone. I'll have to have a roommate. hopefully someone i like. Lol, you'd be ideal. Yeah, i can't believe all of my friends can suddenly drive. Everyone's talking about getting jobs and car trouble and it's like....when did i suddenly grow up?? Jeez i remember walking into Wainwright in 6th grade, seeing the 8th graders and thinking..."man they're soooo cool!" they were taller, older and all around seemed to have better lives. Lol. I hate time. I really do. I hate the fact that time is constantly ticking out from under you. I get that horrible sick feeling in my stomach when i think about time and mortality. I need to change topics, i hate that feeling.
Kaehla: It's just terrifying to think that maybe, just maybe, my life isn't going to be like it is now. I mean, I won't always have my parents paying the bills for the house and stuff. Instead, it'll be me in a few years. It scares me when I think of how much time has went by. It seems like it just started too. I fear I won't achieve all my goals, and maybe I'll kill myself trying. GOD NEW TOPIC!! This subject is depressing dammit. I remember in like 3rd grade, I was all like "oh my gosh, look at those fifth-graders! They're so cool! They're taller and cooler than me!" [Past that, I didn't care about them at all] But now, I look around and see younger students staring at us as if we're scary, and it hits me. They feel the same way I did when I was that age. It's terrible. Time has a horrible way of sneaking past us. I personally think it should stop. At least let us re-evaluate our lives. I just hate feeling so powerless. I'm used to dominating at least one thing. Now I see that I don't control anything when it comes to time. It's absurd when I think about how like time is so different than when I was in like kindergarten or first grade. I didn't really start thinking about death and mortality until I was 5. At age six is when it really hit me that I'm just going to die alone. Nothing will change that either.
Anna: i know exactly what you mean about life and growing up and what not. I still can't think about life and mortality without feeling completely sick and horrible. i can't even do it now...i guess that's why i love the movie Flatliners so much. Well...Kiefer's in it so that helps a lot, but he (his character) basically goes crazy he's so focused on finding out if there actually is anything beyond death. Really really good movie. If i'm going to force you to watch anything it'll be Flatliners. I don't know...i still don't believe in god..and it's probably just because i'm scared and naive, but i like to think there's something out there. At least something. It's like that saying, "Most people let their lives pass them by while they're waiting for their real lives to start." It's just hard to grip the fact that this is your only chance to do something. my god it's sickening to think about. That's why i was so upset when i realized at 15 i haven't done anything with my life. I have nothing to show what i've been through. I haven't left any proof that i've been here. (this all sounds like inspiration for my tattoo)..I love what you said, "I think time should stop. At least let us re-evaluate our lives." It's crazy, i just wish you could push a pause button and take a few deep breaths, regrip your thoughts and then push play again once you know where you're going or what you're doing. See this this right here is why i don't believe in God. If God existed and s/he made human beings to only live for so long...to have a time limit and then poof...s/he's more like Satan than a God. If there is a God there has to be a Heaven, other wise God is sick. My biggest pet peve..peeve...whatever, you know what i mean. lol, anyway, i hate feeling powerless. I hate feeling powerless and not knowing things. I guess i'm just a controlling person, but i like knowing where things are going, what's going on and having the power to do something about it.
Kaehla: I'm freaking SCARED!!!!!!! I've never been scared like this before.....I DON'T WANNA GROW UP AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANNA GET OLDDDDDDD AND WRINKLYYYYYYY AND UGLYYYYYYYYYY-er.... lol It's like seeing pictures of elderly people in nursing homes, and epiphany slaps you in the face. "Damn, I'm gonna look like that fucking prune when I hit eighty! Kill me now!" lol Okay before I vomit [which I had to clean up earlier-- my cousin's 1-year-old daughter puked all over her playpen, her clothes, and the floor...very gross...There's your imagery for this email....lol....] [my foot is @&%*$&% numb...d--n it...] I agree with the whole believing there's someone out there but not God. Because our whole argument works for that. It's all....evil and sick and twisted and cruel and hypocritical and disappointing and horrible and terrible and dramatic and...you get the point....It is very hard to concieve that the only chance you have to do something, is right now. It's hard to think that if I screw this one up, I'm fucked for all eternity. Unless there's reincarnation, I don't get a second chance at living life. Unless God suddenly appears as I'm lying on my deathbed and decides to cut a deal with me, I don't get another try at making a good life. Don't worry: I don't have much proof that I've been here, besides getting expelled. Dude, I remember back in like grade three, I was all worried and upset because I got caught cheating on a spelling test. Now I could care less. It's like, "Dude, if you're flipping because I cheated on a spelling test, what kind of administrator are you? I mean, there are some kids bringing pills to school, and you're just going skitzo on me because I cheated on a damn test that doesn't determine anything?!?!?!?! What kind of bullshit is that?" lol ^.^ And a pause button on life would totally work for right now. Maybe even a rewind button. Not a fast forward button, though; life goes by too fast anyway. But a pause, rewind, and play button would work. I hate feeling powerless too. It's just...horrible knowing I can't change anything... I'll always be alone, death and life. I guess I make myself that way. I hate asking for help. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate thinking I cannot be seen as who I really am. I hate forcing smiles everyday just so everyone doesn't see the tears I want to cry, the blood I want to shed, the skin I want to destroy.
This is correspondence between Anna and I. She's the only friend of mine I can actually hold a conversation like this with, and not be judged by it. I appreciate her standing by my side, even after we decided to be just friends. She's a great person. I really am grateful toward her for being there, especially when I had a lot to think about, such as mortality and death and the point to living. Thank you, Anna!
