I've Been Alone All Along... I'm No-One, Just Beth Rivers \\The Real Meaning Of A Hogwarts Hell\\ CHPT FORTY-TWO

You yawned loudly as you walked in through the tapestry covered hole, leading into the Ravenclaw common room decked out in blues and silver, with bronze thrown in here and there. The room was dark, and the fire had burnt down to a dull glow, with the occasional spit of angry embers, letting the world know it wasn't defeated yet. The curtains about the room were drawn nearly closed, save for a slight gap which let the bluish tinted moonlight shine on in, over the rug before the fire as it had done the other night when Nathan had cut your hair. The only thing keeping you awake at the present point in time was the throbbing in your hand; otherwise, you'd have collapsed on the floor you were dragging yourself across and fallen asleep instantly.
Just as you were going to head on up the stairs leading to the girls dorm rooms, with the thought of a nice comfy bed calling your name, a loud crackling sounded from the fireplace as some embers hissed angrily, scaring you half out of your mind. You spun around, your bag slipping from your back and crashed loudly on the bottom of the stairs, only for you to get an even bigger freak out.
'Beth?' You squealed and jumped back further up the stairs in fright as the person who called your name looked sleepily at you from one of the couches before the fire.
'...Padma? What are you doing down here?' you asked as you hid your hand from her view as she yawned just as loud as you had moments before. Once your heart rate fell back to normal, you picked up your bag and slowly walked forward across the hearth towards her, only to blink in surprise and a deep blush befell your cheeks. 'Ah... I'm sorry. I didn't know you weren't alone-'
'Oh Beth, dont be silly,' Padma said as she pushed a blanket back from her body and sat up, a slight blush also coming to her cheeks. 'He's been asleep for hours now, besides, we were going to wait for you, but I fell asleep too, until you woke me up-'
'I'm so sorry about that,' you gushed, awkwardly, but saw Padma brush it aside if it were nothing.
'It's ok, really.' She flashed you a big smile and straightened up her pyjama top before standing up and yawning loudly, only to turn back around as you sank onto a nearby couch as she pulled the blankets higher up Justin's half naked chest.
'How long have you two been together then?' you asked quietly, feeling a knot of guilt tighten in your stomach at how little you had paid attention to your friends over the past few weeks as you were so absorbed in your own worries and in trying to kill yourself.
Padma grinned before she walked over to you and sat down on the other side of the couch, seemingly wide awake and wanting to talk, when all you wanted to do was fall asleep against the couch's arm. 'Well, it's been coming on so gradually... I don't know when we decided we were going out, it just happened, I guess. One night when you were in the Hospital Wing and Nathan was down there with you, I was feeling really upset and well, Justin was a shoulder for me to cry on, and I think that's when we decided we were together.'
You smiled weakly, 'I should get chucked into the Hospital Wing more often if good things like this are the result of it.' Padma weakly smiled too, knowing you were being silly, and soon you both were chuckling softly at your pretty lame joke.
'So, how was detention with Umbridge then?' Padma asked and you again yawned, stifling it with your hand to be polite as you got more comfortable.
'Well,' you smacked your lips together, realising just how thirsty you were but chose to ignore it for the time being. 'My hand is killing me from writing lines for so long-'
'How many did she make you write? Parchment loads?'
You thought about this for a moment, no one knew why you were in detention tonight, and they certainly didn't know about Umbridge's cruel and unusual pens which carved words into the back of your hand and used your own blood as ink. It was late, and you didn't want to keep her up with nightmares, so you decided to lie for tonight at least, and then possibly tell her the truth in the morning if your hand kept stinging as it was doing currently. 'A fair few, it well and truly left its mark,' you hinted as you snuggled deeper into the couch, noticing the look of pity on Padma's kind face and quickly looked away from before you blurted out with the truth.
'Hey, I was wondering, tomorrow, do you want to go make some snowmen down by the lake? It would be fun, and, yanoe, something nice for you to remember while you're at home with your parents.' Padma offered another warm smile, one which you couldn't help but imitate and nod your head slowly. 'Great! I'm sure the guys will help out as well. I think Nathan's going home for the holidays too, I don't think he's too happy about it either, but one of his little brothers is really sick and in hospital-'
'He never told me a thing!' you said shocked, suddenly wide awake and the knot of guilt inside of you quadrupled, feeling so selfish that you didnt even know that Nathan's brother was in hospital and that you had to find out from Padma. 'When did this happen?!' You demanded, sitting up straight and heard the clock in the corner chime for quarter past two.
'Um... a few days back, Saturday at least-'
'It's now Thursday!' you said, mortified. Nathan was supposed to be your boyfriend, and yet he either kept this from you to protect you in some way, not give you as much to worry about, or he simply didnt trust you enough to know personal things about him. After all, it wasn't as if you'd told him everything about your family life except your parents being Death Eaters or anything...
'You've had other things to deal with, Beth, I'm sure he has his reasons for not telling you straight away-'
'I'm sure he does too, and I'm going to find out,' you said quietly before rising to your feet, ignoring Padma's questioning gaze.
'Beth, I'm sure this can wait until later on. Everyone's asleep-'
'We're not,' you pointed out quickly with a raised brow, and saw Padma smile back in approval of your retort. 'Look, I won't cause a scene; I just want to go talk to him. I'll cya in the morning ok, I'm sure Justin's waiting for you to go keep him warm,' you said wisely, smirking slightly as you looked over at Justin to see his eyes open a fraction and searching sleepily around with his hand for Padma. 'Night Padma,' you said kindly and set off towards the boys' staircase slowly, carrying your school bag limply in one hand. Padma called goodnight out to you and you heard the sound of her hopping off of one couch and the springs of another sinking as she hopped back under the blanket with Justin and snuggled closely to him in his arms that had wrapped tightly and protectively about her waist.
You quietly tiptoed your way up the boys' staircase, grateful that it wouldn't turn into a slide beneath your feet as it would if a male tried to sneak up into the girls' dorm quarters. You could hear a soft laughter following you up the stairs, no doubt from Padma and Justin having a laugh about something you weren't sure you wanted to know about, and so you kept on walking to your destination, only stopping before the fifth years dorm room with a loud sigh. You were very nervous about setting foot into a room filled with five hormonal teenage boys (four, actually, as one was chuckling softly down in the common room at a joke Padma just told him), especially after what Blaise had forced you to do. You firmly told yourself that this was different, that Blaise wasn't in there, waiting for you, and that Nathan, your boyfriend, was in there and no doubt sound asleep like all the others sharing the room, which brought a little more comfort to you.
You made the sound decision, then and there, that the only way Nathan would open up to you more, and tell you more about his personal life, was if you showed him the same curtesy back, and that meant telling him what Blaise had done to you. After all, Draco, your sworn enemy ever since the stupid Sorting Hat had called out "Ravenclaw" rather than "Slytherin", knew about the incident, would it really be that horrible if Nathan, your boyfriend and who you loved, knew?
Hoping that the door wouldn't creak as you opened it, you slowly turned the handle and pushed it inwards on the darkened room, only lit by a few windows allowing the light through. You shut the door silently behind you, and then made your way into the room, inaudibly, as if worried that one sound you made would wake everyone up and you'd get into trouble because of it. You tried the bed to your left, unsure of who occupied which one, and only had one offer of help as one was pulled back, showing no one in it, obviously Justin's. You guessed that Gareth's would be nearby his brothers, and that Nathan's would probably be near his friends, but still, it didn't hurt trying all of them, just in case your theory was wrong. You snuck up to the bed nearest your left and pulled open the hangings a little, coming face to face with an arse crack peeking over the top of the person's boxers that had fallen down. Repulsed, you looked away and noticed the person had blonde hair as apposed to Nathan's brown hair and thankfully hid the grotesque sight away from view and pretended to gag in disgust. The next bed also proved to be someone else, a talk lanky guy who you knew as Eddie and that was it, and the following bed turned out to be Gareth's, and he looked out of it as he drooled slightly onto his pillow, which, given that Justin's was vacated, only gave you one other alternative.
Hesitantly, you made your way across the room and pulled open the hangings of Nathan's bed, pleased to see that he was lying peacefully on his back with one arm by his side and his left splayed over his evenly breathing chest. You quickly checked around the room, only hearing snores of the other boys, and then sat down on the edge of his bed before lying down and pulling the hangings closed about you both so no light could be seen in the darkness you'd created. You snuggled close to Nathan's side, and pulled his arm resting on his chest about your shoulders and held onto it with your right hand before you curled up to him further and rested your head on his chest, breathing in his scent deeply as he began to stir.
'... Who's there?' he mumbled and brought his other hand up to his face to rub his eyes.
You sighed softly, 'it's me.'
'... Beth? W-What are you doing here? What time is it?' he asked softly in a slurred voice of tiredness before pulling you tighter in his embrace. You closed your eyes and rested your left palm on his bare chest and lightly drummed your fingertips on his pectoral muscles.
'After two. I just got back from detention... I needed to see a friendly face,' you admitted honestly and sighed. 'I'm sorry, Nathan, I've taken you for granted. I've been a horrible girlfriend,' you confessed and snuggled closer to him. You felt his chest rise and fall against your temple and knew he was about to speak, so you decided to sneak in before him, wanting to get this all off your chest before you lost the nerve to do so.
'I don't know how my life would be now if you hadn't helped me up that day at the station and let me into your life, I'd probably already be dead. I know you think I'm crazy, hell, everyone does, but I realised something,' you were aimlessly drawing patterns on his chest now as you talked, just to keep you awake a little longer. Nathan exhaled loudly but remained silent, knowing you wanted to tell him something important. 'You, Padma, Gareth and Justin have all given my life something again... a purpose. I've taken you all for granted, and I'm very sorry. I've been so caught up with my own worries that I didn't stop to consider what this was doing to you all, especially you, Nathan. I dont know what I can do to make it up to you, but I just hope you know how sorry I am for ever taking you for granted and for putting you through so much shit-'
'Beth, I-'
'Please, just let me say this before I lose the nerve to do so,' you whispered as the fingers on Nathan's hand encased in your own gently began to run along your skin, luckily not over the part where you'd just had to carve into your skin, unwillingly. 'I'm sorry for ripping out my hair, too, I know it was stupid and that it makes me look even more like a freak, but... I had to. It had to go, before I went insane... The... The night we had a fight, up in the library, well... I headed on up to the Astronomy Tower to cool down, but I wasn't up there alone. Blaise was there...'
'I knew it,' Nathan said quietly, sounding tired, but alert at the same time. You gulped hard before continuing.
'I dont want you to get into trouble, Nathan, so please dont go crazy at what I'm about to say. Please just keep it between us, for me? Promise me you will?' Your words were met with silence, a silence which chilled your bones as you waited on edge for him to say the words. After what seemed like hours, Nathan seemed to make up his mind.
'I promise, Beth, it will be our secret.'
A small, sad smile broke out over your lips at hearing that, only to be replaced by you biting hard down upon the corner of your mouth, feeling nervous about telling him, but his comforting arms and gentle breathing seemed to lull you into a sense of security, enabling you to tell him. 'Blaise beat me, you saw the bruises I was covered in, well, they were from him. When I couldn't take anymore, I begged for his mercy before he killed me, because I realised I didn't want to die, I wanted to say sorry to you first. Well, he showed me the lengths of his mercy. He pushed me to the ground and nearly ripped out my hair in the process, and then he... unzipped his fly and forced me to...' You hiccuped, unable to go on as tears formed in your eyes as you thought back on that horrible nightmare. You blinked a few times, releasing the tears from your eyes as Nathan's grip about you tensed and warm tears landed upon his chest.
'That bastard,' he hissed and you hiccuped again, closing your eyes on your tears. Nathan let go of the hand you were holding onto and rolled over onto his side, knocking your head from his chest and he tightly wrapped his arms about you, pulling you close to his warm chest. 'I had no idea, Beth,' he said softly into the remainder of your hair as you titled your head against his throat and began to cry softly in his arms. He arranged the blankets to cover your waist as you hopped under them and snuggled close to his body, continuing to cry as he soothingly rubbed your back and kissed your forehead.
'I'm sorry, Nathan,' you hiccupped, feeling guilty for letting it happen, despite it being out of your control. Nathan pushed that aside and only held you tighter in his supportive arms, telling you it wasn't your fault and that he'd like nothing better than to push Blaise out in front of the Hogwarts Express in a few days time, to which you weakly chuckled at despite yourself, knowing it was wrong to seek comfort in such thoughts, but, after what Blaise did, it was the least he deserved.
The both of you lay in one another's arms as your tears began to slowly cease, talking about everything that needed to get off your chests. You told him about the detention you'd come from and the evil quills Umbridge had made you use, just not why you had landed yourself in detention as you were still confused about why you'd helped Draco out yourself. Nathan had told you that his second youngest brother, Gary, suffered from cystic fibrosis, and was in and out of hospital all the time, but was exceptionally ill at the moment and wanted to see his older brother for Christmas. Nathan did want to go and see his brothers and sister, and his mother, but at the same time, wanted to be away from it all as the thought of loosing one of his siblings was torture for him to think of. You'd both made so many confessions, that you were getting to really connect with one another and being your relationship anew, but, you were both getting tireder and tireder with each word spoken as the minutes ticked by. Soon, Nathan was so tired that he'd kissed your forehead again and mumbled goodnight before he began to breathe evenly and deeply not long afterwards. You smiled weakly and titled your head up to plant a soft, delicate kiss on his lips before sighing and resting your head against the hollow of his throat.
'I love you, Nathan Phillips,' you whispered and snuggled closer to his warm body, holding onto his waist tightly for fear of the man of your dreams disappearing into thin air, when the sun rose over the surrounding mountaintops.