Remember To Feel Real [Pierre Bouvier] Part 1

I awkwardly tugged on the hem of my baby blue tanktop as I thought about it. Teenage romance. One word can describe that. Hell. Relationships are intertwined with heartbreak, anguish, angst, depression and exasperation. It's never warm-hearted, euphoria, nor carefreeness. Well at least not in my relationships anyway. My companion always stood me up, always made me feel like the most useless person in the world and hurt me whenever he was on a bender.
Throughout the past summer, I encountered a break-up. And something drastic changed in me. It was because I fear the thought of growing old and living with 27 cats. The fear of never making love, never having kids, never having the happiness that I want. It's all just a fantasy, because I don't deserve any of it.
I wasn't some big Slutty McSkank that all of the boys loved, I wasn't the one that got screwed over every weekend. I wasn't the one that had that platinum, gorgeous, blonde hair nor that flawless tan on a curvy body. Instead, I was the one that all of the boys thought were ugly and was just a disgrace to the earth. No one acknowledged my prescence, besides one friend in my Biology class from last year. But I just hang out with him on occasions in school. Or let's just say I did hang out with him on occasions in school.
Being alone killed me. It hurt me so much to even look at people I didn't even know holding hands and sharing butterfly kisses, it pained me because I knew that I couldn't ever have such a perfect relationship.
As I made my way over to my dresser and sat down on the chair next in front of it, I hated myself while looking in the huge mirror. The baby blue tanktop, the flowy white skirt, the long blonde hair. None of it was me. Did I really want love this bad? I did, but every part in my body was dead. I was on auto-pilot and the auto-pilot button was broken, I couldn't switch it off.
I brought the eyeliner pencil delicately to my eye and traced the pink around it, cringing. Never did I think I was going to wear make-up, it made me feel fake and like I had frosting on my face. But, I am. I finished with my make-up and slipped on baby blue flip-flops, still wriggling my toes awkwardly in them. I hated flip-flops, the exposure of my feet made me feel so self-conscious. As if one cue, my cellphone rang and I reached for it on my nightstand.
"Hello?" I asked as cheerily as I could.
"Hey sweetie," Monica's preppy voice greeted my ears. "Are you ready to go to Brendans party?"
"Yes, just about," I confirmed and began to make my way out of my room and down the stairs. I heard her squeal on the other end of the line, indicating that she was excited to get screwed over tonight, I rolled my eyes.
"Ok, we are just stopping at your house right about ... now!" She said and hung up the phone. I looked out the window of the front door and saw the twins beep their silver ferarri's horn. I have no idea how their parents let them get that for a first car. My mothers timid voice entered my ears as I opened the frontdoor.
"Um, Leah?" I turned my head to her and smiled kindly. She looked me up and down and smiled meekly. "Have fun," Her voice quivered and it looked like she was on the verge of crying. My mother has been acting like this ever since I changed, if you catch my drift yet. I nodded my head and walked out into the late summer soon-to-be fall air.
"Come on, Leah!" A girl with sleek dark blond hair said from the drivers seat with the name Larissa. Her sister (Monica) was sitting in the passenger seat. I smiled and jumped into the backseat and clasped my seatbelt. Larissa turned a knob next to her CD player and some rap noise throbbed throughout the car, she took off down the road and the wind blew through our hair as we sang along (or the twins sang) to the pumping tune. Ten minutes passed and we reached Brendan's house.
"It looks like he invited the whole school," I thought aloud as I scrambled out of the vehicle.
"Duh," The girls said in unison and linked arms. "He even invited the math geeks and social outcasts," Monica said with a shudder, I frowned at her statement. We walked up the stone path and people were hanging out around his front yard and on his front porch. The girls in front of me rang on the doorbell and impatiently wiggled in their spots. The door opened and it revealed the host of the party, Brendan Cole.
"Hey ladies," He said flirtatiously, the sisters giggled whereas I rolled my eyes. Brendan stepped aside to let us inside. Hell, he did invite the whole school. People lounged around on his stairs and in the living room and other people were jumping and dancing in another room to the music. Larissa and Monica stalked over to the dance room and immediately found dance partners, I wandered to the side of the room and poured some punch into a plastic cup, like I usually do.
What I didn't understand was that I changed my appearance into a Slutty McSkank, but still I never found love. I didn't change my personality, I just couldn't do it, that would be too much. That was probably the reason why, or that people still saw me as the Isolated Leah. God, I was miserable under my skin when I was that. I thought that if I changed into this, then my life would be better than perfect. But, now I am much more miserable than before. My parents don't treat me the same. The one that mattered the most to me, my brother Joshua stopped talking to me and always looked at me with disgust. And my only friend stopped talking to me when I changed last June. Sure, the populars started talking to me, but they were all fake. Everything is so robotic, mechanical and artificial.
But, I couldn't go back. I was too desperate for love. But then again, having a fake relationship was worse than no relationship at all.
I had to get out of this alias, it's slowly breaking my heart and I'm not even in a relationship to cause the distorting. I am gradually forgetting how to feel real.

i'm sure as hell this is the happiest i've ever been.
Hope you liked it! Msg & Rate.