LeSlash! 100 Number [Thirty-Three] On The List: Therapy

LeSlash! 100 Number [thirty-three] On The List: therapy.
WordCount: 1,674

I twisted the ring he gave me. The one he handed me before I had told him "I hate you."I dont.
That was a mistake, I shouldnt have.
I have a mirror. A damned mirror.
I'm horrible, thin, sickly. Hideous. How much thinner can I get? I'm disgusting. Such dark circles under my eyes. Thats it.
I look dead.
The rings even slip around my thin fingers. He wouldnt want to see me like this. Not at all.
I can't even wear the smallest size in the pajama-like clothes we have to wear. They fall constantly, I downright hate it all.
"Matt?"
My eyes slowly focus on the blonde nurse in the doorway, pretty pink lips smiling at me. A needle appears in her lithe fingers.
"You have to."
I offer my arm, the tracks from injections all over my skin. I dont care. She sighs, coming over to find a place in my vein to stick me.
You have no idea how many times theyve had to stick me these past... months.
Months.
The word wrenches my heart, my chest.
"Therapy today, Matt."
Of course. Why else would I be drugged up on the shit that clouds my mind?
I shrug carelessly, following her out.
I flinch when other 'crazies' get too close.
They do not want to touch me. Only he can touch me.
"We actually need to talk this time, Mr. Jacobs."
"Harris. And if you would stop sedating me-"
"You act like an incorrigible child off of sedatives!"
She snaps.
I shrug.
"Then maybe if you let me see my husband or SON-"
She interrupts me.
How fucking rude.
"That is exactly what I want to talk to you about."
My eyes meet hers.
"Eat."
I scoff, looking out of the window.
"Mr. Jac-"
"Harris! I'm married, bitch! I love him," I can feel my voice break, "I need him, okay? I live for him. Get me my husband."
She sighs again.
"I'll make you a deal."
A deal?
Interested.
I nod, leaning forward slightly.
"You eat a whole meal, or as much as you possibly can, and that's more than a whole meal, I know it.... I'll write it as progress."
...Progress=him, doesnt it?
I had forgotten all about that.
"Kay."
She stares at me.
Do I have cum on my face or something?
"You'll eat?"
"To see him? Yeah, I would fucking kill. You never told me I could. Of course I will."
She gives a small smile. A shrug.
I'm glad she can be fucking nonchalant about it.
I growl.
Bitch.
"Zackary here can take you to the cafe."
Oh damnit, I wouldnt have agreed if I had known it was hospital food.
No wonder she didnt think I would eat.
'Zack' tries to hit on me the whole way to the cafeteria.
Of course, I blow the kid off.
He actually touches me when we're in front of the foul-smelling room.
I let it go.
And I eat.
A veggie burger, fries, pudding, Jell-O, ice cream, and a cup of soup. Zack watches me eat. I hate that. So fucking creepy.
So, accidentally...hah.
My toast with jam ends up in his lap.
Oops.
He gasps, jumping up and peeling the bread from his crotch. I stifle a laugh, eating the rest of my ice cream as he tries to wipe the grape jam off of his white pants with a napkin. Key word: tries.
My stomach feels disgusting.
I'm back in the room with the therapist.
"Did you eat?"
"Lots."
She chews her lower lip, looking over my body. Oh Jesus.
Girls too??
"Explain to me why you dont eat."
I shrug.
"Food just doesnt sit well in my stomach. I can't help it. Really, there's nothing wrong with me, no eating disorder. I like food. It tastes... great, in fact. Its just...."
I trail off, looking out the window. She sighs, getting up and sitting on the edge of her desk. She turns my face towards her.
"Please. Continue, Mr. Harris."
I smile, his face flickering into my mind for a moment. I look down and hold back tears, the pain of missing him overwhelming.
"I havent always had the money. My mother couldnt work, she wouldnt. Stress on her mind... well... that never goes well. My father... he never brought in money, y'know?"
I close my mouth, probing the empty holes in my bottom lip with the tip of my tongue. They took my snakebites, and I havent let them close. Using paperclips, anything to keep the holes in my lip open. They hurt the first time and why would I let something he liked go so easily?
Even though he left me here.
Just... so... easily.
He left me so easily.
After promising he wouldnt leave. I give up. No more will I trust his promises of staying, taking care of me. They've always been lies, always, and I've been so stupid as to always> believe him.
"Please go on."
"I have a younger sister. Jenna. I couldnt stand to see her hungry, sad.... I... I learned... how to do things. For money. Not real, full out sex, he took-"
"Took?"
I glare, now ready to snap at her.
"I gave my virginity to him."
She nods, motioning for me to keep talking. This better get my ass out of here.
"Jenna doesnt know where the money came from... how sometimes she was treated to pizza for dinner," I smiled, remembering the first time I had done that," How she got new clothes, new shoes when hers fell to pieces."
I look down at my own shoes.
White.
"I got a new pair when mine werent wearable anymore. That was worth 2 blowjobs and a paycheck."
She flinches lightly from my bluntness of the subject, and pushes her thin glasses closer to her eyes. She has pretty eyes. Shocking green orbs, and red hair pulled tight in a French twist.
"So you had another job besides....?"
I nod.
"Along with school...? It was hard."
She's writing all of this down. I try focusing out of the window again. Trying to forget it, forget how much of a whore I was, for money.
How I know he likes my mouth.
How I use it.
And it wasnt even a big deal when I told him I was still doing that the first month we had been dating.
A black bird hits the window at high speed, making me jump. She didnt see it, she hadnt flinched. The bird's dead, I can tell from the way it fell. We're on the 5th? 4th? Something floor. Something.
How easy is it to die?
For a bird to just be flying... and then... it's life is snuffed out like a insignificant candle?
I shudder, facing the therapist again. Psychologist.
Who cares?
Green eyes bore into my own plainly colored orbs.
"But still, why didnt you eat?"
"I did what I could."
"But you could buy-"
"Listen lady. My fucking baby sister is more important than me or my fucking body."
She is. Jenna has always been the baby of the family, and I'm her older brother. I should be... beating her boyfriends, or girlfriends, hurting those that break her heart. Be an annoyance.
Not be a whore to feed and clothe her.
But protection comes in many forms, and keeping her alive is vital.
I sigh.
"I love my body, okay? I know people find me attractive, I know he loves my body. Just how I am. I dont have an eating disorder, okay? Food doesnt mix well with my body. That's it. I'm just not used to eating, I never have been, excluding the time I was pregnant. I like the way I look."
That's all I have to say on this matter.
She can go die for all I care. I'm wasting away without him.
"Do you love W-"
"Dont."
"Do you really love your husband?"
I bite my lip, slouching back in my chair to think. She eyes me, waiting for her answer. Bitch, of course I do.
"Yes. More than you can imagine."
My eyes close, and for the first time in the months I've been here, I cry. I let her see me cry, sob, my legs curling up to my chest.
"I missed my son's first birthday," I sob, hurt twisting in my chest," I miss them so much it hurts. It hurts! I can't stop crying, I can't sleep at night!"
I want to sleep on his chest. More tears.
I want to hear him snoring, for fuck's sake, to hear him breath or feel him move.
Curling into myself more, I sob helplessly.
I want him.
Need him.
I need him to touch my hip, and call me angel. Smile at me.
"I'm his Angel... I need him... oh God..."
She doesnt say anything.
If possible, I cry harder.
"M....Matt... I... I can help you," Her soft voice carries to me, "I'll call the head of the hospital."
Great.
But I still dont have him.
Zack is the one carrying me back to my room.
I dont care.
He's warm.
Bigger than me. I sob hopelessly into his shoulder. Also, I make him stay with me until I'm okay, until I can breathe evenly.
I play with the rings again.
The tears start again, my fingers clutching the closest pillow.
Morning.
The sun is on my back, and I'm warmer than ever. A dream, then, if I feel safe and warm.
I feel fingers on my exposed hip, confirming this is just another dream.
Another nightmare, to be honest, cause I'll wake up in tears. Something nuzzles my ear. He can't be here, I know this.
Dont open your eyes.
All the same, I get ready for that heartbreak, that rush of disappointment, the new wave of salty tears on my face. The fleeting hope of seeing him again. My eyes open against the sunlight.
A gasp escapes, along with the planned crying. A smile through the tears.
"Hey there, Angel."

And I dont know why... I cant keep my eyes off of you.
♥