I'm not there until I sing

Another flow of thoughts scene

I hate it. Everyone… with everyone, it’s just like they all love each other. I know they don’t.  But I feel like there’s something wrong with me. That even when they all told me not to quit, they still didn’t want me.  I don’t like being here. They don’t talk to me.  I come for the singing.  They socialize, I sing.  Even a guy I thought I was friends with doesn’t really talk to me.  I told him so. I’m not really part of this.  I wish Kailey was still here.  As annoying as she got sometimes, she was a good friend, and she was in choir.  We’d be getting all hyper and attracting stares. And we wouldn’t care.  I just want to feel like I belong, like someone here likes me.  I feel like the protests of “Oh don’t leave” were fake and meaningless.   Exclusion.  Dislike.  Maybe not so much dislike and just not wanting to talk.  I hate this.  I try to work my way into a conversation and I feel rejected.  I never feel like I belong here.  The only thing that keeps me here is the fact that they think I’m good.  I hate to stereotype… but this is prep central.  Everyone knows everone.  Except me.  I know, but I don’t know.  I know their name, their face, their voice, as they know mine, but they don’t socialize with me, with only one or two exceptions.  I want to go home.  I want to go hang out with the people I love.  My friends.  My family.  I don’t belong here.  I have one thing in common with them.  Singing.  And even then I feel different.  My voice is lower, deeper in tone.  I have nothing in common.  I don’t feel acknowledged until I sing.  I think that’s why I like the spotlight.  They like me then.  I heard them when I tried out.  I hear them the rest of the time too.  Silence.  I’m not there till I sing.