[Caden to Oli] - AIN'T LOVE GRAND -002

I know I've made my mistakes, I just can't get myself to stop everything I do. I've tried, and these issues just keep rising again. I swear, I will stop..soon.
I know I've lied.. to you, out of all people, you should've known the truth. You always tell me the truth, and I always trust you, but for some unknown... the right words to say.. and I'm afraid..afraid you'll know and hate me.
I know I wasn't a good person, with all the things I did.
I'm sorry I never took your help, when you offered, I'm sorry, ohkay? But I can't take it. I don't need it.. I don't want to be a burden...i don't want your sympathy.
So don't hate me, for being the disgusting, ugly, whore I am. This is just who I've decided to become... like this life-style was thrusted upon me, and I could never go back.
Don't hate me, because I can't have sex with you, or anything. I just can't.. sorry. But I feel ashamed when I'm with someone else, and knowing my body will be touched by you... you deserve a clean body.. one that's unused.
I wish I could stop, and just move on. I've got you, and you're the best, the best thing to happen to my shitty life. I mean, it was never bad, but.. you've become my reason to get up in the morning, and move on when things did get bad,
The few times I actually feel beautiful, it's because you tell me I do. And you make me feel all these emotions that I never thought I'd be able to feel. Because of you, I think I may actually be in love.
And- yeah, I know you hate all the romance shit, especially when I use it. But- I have to be honest.
I love the way you kiss me, how your lips are the softest things to ever have touched my body. I love how, you keep me, even when you deserve better. And I love how you want your way, and are a stubborn pain in the ass. I love your touch.. your voice, the way your hair is always done.. and your tight pants- baby jesus, are you beautiful.
I love you.. but I'm never sure of how I can show you. I hate not knowing, and I hate it when your angry with me. When we don't talk, it feels like the end of the world, and all my life comes crashing into me. Don't you see, you're the one who keeps me alive, who keeps me breathing. And when we're apart, I feel so lost.
I feel pathetic for saying this. I feel obsessive for thinking about you so much. But I can never find the words to describe how you make me feel.
my apathy..
.. has blinded me
Thank you for your time. ILY.