“Boyz Attack and Beyond –IS Fan Fic”
Chapter 21: Time
I wake up with my head hurting, quite expectedly of course given the night I endured. A hot shower did next to nothing to calm my nerves before I finally drifted off to sleep as pink the sunlight began to stream into my room trough the gap in the curtains. For some, seemingly inexplicable reason I could not drift peacefully into sleep as I had thought. My thoughts kept drifting to Jude as the night dragged on –if she was okay, if she could handle our sudden transition into a public couple, if she would get tired of it all and decide that I was no longer worth it. I had to admit, despite my almost obnoxious cockiness with random girls in bars and on tour in my days with the Boyz, I never quite saw what any girl who was worth anything could possibly see in me. And of course now, just when things with Jude are getting even more serious, the same doubts decide to pop right back into my head to remind me just how impossible it really is for her to stay with me for long.
I was all wrong for her, of that much I was certain. I was considerably older, too much more experienced, had a bad reputation, and almost no real experience in a serious relationship –Sadie being my only non-disastrous relationship, which doesn’t say much about my definition on non-disastrous. I have royally fucked up every relationship I ever had and made more than one girl wish she’d never met me, or at least wish she could painfully castrate me. Who’s to say that I won’t do the same to Jude? Of course I love her, of course that makes some difference –but it only makes me feel even more incapable of making this work. Fear, fear is the more proper term. I’m afraid of losing her because unlike every girl I’ve ever been with, I want to be with her for as long as she’ll have me –making me only more afraid that one day she won’t. She, she is perfect. She is the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, she sings like an angel, and to top it all off she understands me better than anyone else. I’m lucky enough that she fell in love with me, as if I actually deserved it.
My self-deprecating mood carried on well after I picked Jude up in the morning. The horde of reporters circled the entrance to G Major like a pack of starved hyenas as we pushed and shoved our way through them. Jude had noticed as soon as she saw my at her door this morning that my mind was elsewhere but she hadn’t been able to ask since there was at least one reporter conspicuously snapping photos from a car with darkly tinted windows just down the street. I can’t say I wasn’t grateful for the distraction. I wanted anything but to admit just how insecure I really was.
We got through the crowd without incident, the entirety of the staff busied with rejecting phone calls and attempting to keep the ravenous paparazzi at bay. Darius met us in the lobby with an “I told you so” type of look on his face. “This is what you two wanted,” he said just before being called to the receptionist table answer an important phone call.
“Crazy morning?” Jude said as we finally settled back into the studio. Part of me wondered why exactly Darius wanted us to be here today, since Jude’s album had officially been released. Then I remembered, in store concert at the Virgin Megastore downtown this weekend. How could I forget? Oh yeah, I was too busy playing Speedracer last night to think of anything else.
“A little, but I’m sure the hype will die down in a week or two. We stay at indoors a lot so we’ll be labeled a boring couple and they’ll start chasing around skanky heiresses again before long.” I knew the paparazzi well enough not to worry on their front too much. Though I did worry that they would try to imagine Jude with another guy or, more likely, me with another girl. Of course I tended to barricade myself in my apartment at times such as these.
“Boring? I could hardly call us boring. We’re just not outrageous and practically having sex in public places, playing it up for the camera or having loud and crazy fights in the middle of a crowded walkways. I’d rather snuggle with you while watching old movies and drinking coffee. But I guess there won’t be too many interesting photos coming out of that choice of activity.”
“At least we’re on the same wavelength,” I mentioned with a crooked smile. It was impossible not to smile at her statement. It put me into a sudden ease. “So it’s settled. You and me tonight, my couch and a movie. I’ll pick you up at seven.”
“I guess you’ve made my mind up for me,” she responded with a smile –I knew she honestly liked the plan. The ease of the conversation carried us through the four hour rehearsal. The set list was finalized, the band knew the songs and sounded good, and Jude was more than on top of her game. I walked out of the studio sooner than expected, hand in hand with Jude, prepared to face another paparazzi storm.
But there was not one camera clicking soul in between us and my car once we stepped outside. I instantly surmised that Darius was behind it. The five security guards posted at the opposing corners of the block and standing near the door gave him away. We walked to the car, unable to suppress a few laughs at the expense at the paparazzi and Darius for his trouble.
“D sure knows how to scare away the hounds,” Jude said in between laughs as she stepped inside the Porche.
The ride was spent mostly in silence, Jude quietly singing along to the radio as I relished in the sound of her voice. I had her at her door before her father could call to ask if she was on her way home yet. I had been taking extra care to avoid unnecessarily angering her father, as harmless as he seemed.
I got back into my car, slightly more upbeat than when I had stepped into it this morning. The doubts began to slowly trickle back into my head as I drove toward my apartment. A twang of pain hit my stomach as I pulled into my parking spot. The sensation caught me unaware. I hadn’t become conscious exactly how much my own self doubt had affected me until just that moment. Things had gone well today, despite my state of mind this morning, so why was it suddenly rushing back to me?
I dragged me feet as I walked to my door, not wanting to both alone and isolated indoors where I could not breathe in the cold air. I opened my door and realized how much my apartment really said about the person who resided within it. It was simply decorated, some called it minimalism –I called it lack of effort. It was immaculately clean and organized, more due to my obsessive compulsive need for control than and organized and neat mind. It looked almost clinical, to me at least. The focal point of the living room was the large couch facing the flat screen television. The couch was probably the only thing outside of my bedroom that did not have hard edges.
My apartment had never felt like home. In fact I almost always referred to it as my apartment rather than home. This was something I wanted to change. I wanted to build a home here, near Jude. My first step toward becoming the kind of man that kept a steady girlfriend, remembered birthdays and anniversaries, and kept his promises. This would be my first step. Tommy Q., bachelor and ladies man was about to become Tom Quincy, proper and respectable boyfriend.
I realized that I had wasted the past few hours decided on my new life’s purpose and I had less than twenty minutes to pick up Jude. I grabbed my jacket and headed out of the door, hoping that this evening would be a successful first attempt at achieving my goal.
