Here's a question. How do you apologize to the person you can't stop thinking about with when you totally and completley messed up anything good that was between you? I had not only believed a girl that had once broken Landon's heart over Landon himself, I had then refused to talk to Landon about it, refused to listen to him, refused to accept that maybe Rachel had been lying. Why? Because I was stupid. And I didn't want to believe that anything good could ever come from being with Landon. But before I apologized to him, I decided to call Rachel. I wasn't looking forward to this call, I really, really wasn't. But it had to come sooner or later. I wearily dialed her digits on my house phone, I still hadn't turned my cell phone on and held it up to my ear, not wanting to have this conversation. Friggen dreading this conversation.
"Peyton?" she asked when she answered I took a deep breath.
"Hey." I replied.
"What's up?" she asked, her tone friendly.
"Why did you lie to me about dating Landon?" I asked her. She was silent on the other end, but then I heard her laugh a little bit.
"I thought that would be obvious." she told me.
"It's not." I responded bluntly.
"Everyone knows he's obsessed with you. Why? I'll never know. But he is, and I still like him, I always liked him, how can you not like him? You tried hard to stay away from him, and I had to admit, I was ecstatic when I found out I had helped out with that one, but, it didn't work as well as I had hoped because you and Landon got together anyway." she said.
"How do you know that?" I asked, bewildered.
"Word travels fast. A friend of mine works at Starbucks. I knew the moment it happened." she responded.
"And so you felt the need to tell me that you guys were dating just to keep Landon and I away from each other?" I asked.
"Yep." she said.
"But you must have known Landon would have told me eventually." I spoke slowly, not understanding why she would think this plan would work, actually.
"Sure, but now he's probably pissed off at you. He absolutley can't stand it when girls get angry at him for things he didn't do. If there is one thing I know about Landon, it's that." she said and I could feel my stomach dropping. She hadn't thought her little lie was going to work. All she needed was for me to accuse Landon of something he didn't do. She had thought this completley through and I had fallen for it. And what was worse was the fact that I had listened to his ex-girlfriend, a girl who had cheated on him, blatantly cheated on him. So he was probably just going to hate me now. Oh great.
"Why would you do that to me?" I asked in a quiet, strained voice.
"I'm surprised that you're surprised. Get a grip and grow up, Peyton. You can't live in your little fantasy 'i want world peace' world anymore. That world doesn't exist. This is an ugly world and even best friends can turn out to be worst enemies. I did what I did for myself because that's the only person you can rely on." she told me.
"I would have never done that to you." I told her, feeling completley back-stabbed.
"Well, isn't that nice to know." she responded, sarcasm thick in her voice. I clenched my teeth to prevent myself from throwing my phone at the wall.
"I just would like you to know that Landon, no matter how much he hates me right now, did happen to tell me that he will never date you. So get yourself out of your fantasy, 'Landon loves me so much' world because that world doesn't exist either." I retorted back and hung up the phone angrily. I threw it down on my bed and collapsed right next to it. I heard a knock on my door.
"Come in." I said tiredly and my mom opened the door and threw me my silver cell phone.
"You left this downstairs." she told me and I sighed.
"That was kinda the point, mom." I said.
"Something is bothering you, I can tell." she replied and I groaned.
"I don't want to be psychoanalyzed right now." I told her. My mom is a psychiatrist, and all my life she had been trying to psychoanalyze me ever second I lived, telling me how she thought I really felt about a situation, what my 'subconcsious' was telling me. It didn't matter that most of the time she was right, right now, I didn't really need a psychiatrist. I just needed a mom. She sat down on my bed and hauled me up so that I was sitting and put one of her arms around me.
"What's wrong?" she asked and I sighed again.
"Do you remember that boy that came over with flowers one day a couple weeks ago?" I asked.
"Your boyfriend?" she asked and I blushed.
"He's not my boyfriend, mom. But I uh- kinda like him, but we got in a big fight. Well, I accused him of asking this other girl to be his girlfriend even though he didn't. So now I'm pretty sure that he hates me." I admitted. She hugged me from the side.
"Have you talked to him about it?" she asked. I swallowed.
"I don't really want to." I said.
"Well, you'll never know unless you ask him." she told me.
"Thanks for the advice." I stated glumly. She pulled me away from her and looked at me sharply.
"As a psychiatrist, I could probably tell you exactly how you really feel about this situation and what exactly you need to do to make it better. But as a mom I know that you have to do it yourself." she told me and kissed my head before getting up. "You're a smart girl, Pey. You are my daughter after all. You'll figure it out." she said with a smile and with that, left my room. I laid back down on my bed and finally picked up my cell phone and turned it on, wanting to finally brave the text messages that Landon had sent me. For a moment my screen was blank. Then it buzzed continually for a couple minutes, recieving all the text messages from Landon's 'unknown' number. I scrolled through them, most of them said, Call me, please. We have to talk. or variations on that sentance. There was, however, one very long one in a few different parts from this morning that was different.
If you get this, I'd like you to know that this time, I didn't screw up, it was you who screwed up.
And I have every right to be mad at you.
But I'm not and I don't know why. But you're right, I need to go away from your life.
So I think it would be better if we just don't talk anymore.
Just because if we do, we'll just want to be together.
And it's very clear that we just don't go together.
Some people are like puzzle pieces, they just fit.
But that's not us.
I wish we did, but we don't.
The last text message made me start to sob. Landon had been so perfect to me, yeah, he was insulting and rude and he smoked pot and drank, yes we had different tastes in music and we lived in different worlds that hated each other but that didn't matter. Because how I felt about him didn't care about all the technicalities. He was him and I was me. And even though he said we didn't fit, and even though maybe we didn't, I had never been so determined to prove anyone wrong before. I looked outside. The sky was clear and the stars were twinkling a million light years away. I knew that Jonas was having a party at his house, and Landon would hopefully be there. I didn't care if he didn't want to talk to me anymore because I was going to talk to him. I was going to get myself across to him. I was going to tell Landon how I felt about him, if it was the last thing I ever said to him.
I had never been so scared in my life.
I ran downstairs without so much as a goodbye to my parents and out the door to where my car was waiting in the driveway. I hopped in, turned on the ignition and sped off towards Jonas's house, I had finally memorized the way. I drove way past the speed limit but managed to arrive at Jonas's house unscathed and parked on the side of the road. There were many cars in the driveway and along the road. The house was quiet for having so many people, but I assumed that Jonas didn't want people calling the cops. If his parties were anything like what Mimi's was. In the mess of cars, I was able to spot Landon's, which I could recognize way too easily for my own good now. My heart went up into my throat as I banged through the door. Nobody paid attention to me when I came in, and I didn't see Landon in the crowd of kids that occupied the kitchen and living room. I went down the set of stairs that Mimi and I had gone down the first time we had come here. It seemed like so long ago now, but in reality, it had only been a couple of weeks. Things had changed so much in those weeks. I had thought Landon was such a huge jerk, only caring about himself.
The Landon I knew now thought I was beautiful and perfect. My eyes were his favorite color. He had wanted to write a song about me. He had painted me. But I was afraid that he would completley revert to his old ways now that he had said that we shouldn't talk anymore. I was very afraid of that.
I spotted Mimi and Jonas making out on the couch that I had sat on the first time I had come here. I bit back my laugh as I hit Mimi on the head. She looked at me and grinned when she saw I was here.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
"What do you think I'm doing here?" I asked back.
"Something tells me it's not for the free booze." Jonas interjected and I laughed a little. It was a nervous laugh though. I still was scared of seeing Landon. I was still scared of talking to him, trying to apologize, getting shot down, rejected.
"I'm looking for Landon." I said. Mimi went silent, as did Jonas.
"He told me what happened-" she said after a few moments.
"That's why I'm here." I finished. "I was an asshole, and stupid. I need to apologize. I need to let him know that I...that I...that I like him. A lot." I said and Mimi sighed with a smile.
"I saw this one coming. He's outside. At least, that's where I saw him last. This whole thing with you has had a pretty big impact on him. He hasn't anything to drink or smoke all night." she told me and I couldn't say that I wasn't happy about that one. If there was one thing I genuinley disliked about Landon, it was that he drank and smoke. But I would have to worry about that another day. Tonight was the night where I just finally let it out. And I knew that sounded stupid and corny, but it was true.
I left Mimi and Jonas, who returned to sucking each other's face off and ventured out the sliding door. It was absolutley silent out here, stangely. The only sound was the sound of cicada's chirping peacefully in the grass of Jonas's extensive backyard. It didn't take long for my eyes to adjust to the cool darkness and to see a dark figure lying on the grass, looking at the stars. I trudged over to Landon's lying form and laid myself down next to him. I almost expected him to get up and leave, but he didn't. I hoped he realized that I had come all the way just to see him, possibly one last time. I wasn't sure what to say, as we watched the stars twinkle and shine above us. I finally took a deep breath and attempted to say something that could fix everything.
rest in results.
"The thing...the thing about puzzle pieces is that most puzzles are printed on cardboard and cardboard can be cut. So the pieces can be cut so they can be made to fit with other ones." I said, not sure why I had said this. Landon said nothing for awhile, even though I could see his eys blinking back at the stars. I could see the faint outline of the milkway against the black sky and it made me feel so incredibley small right then. I was just one tiny person on this huge planet, and we were just one tiny planet in this huge universe.
"But then the picture wouldn't be the same." Landon said softly, his voice tight.
"So?" I challenged. "I'd rather be different."
"I know." Landon said, almost inaudibley.
I tilted my head slightly at him, he was still watching the stars. "I don't know what else to say." I said directly to him and then turned my head back up to the sky. "If there is anyone out there in the universe, anyone who can hear me...if you could just convince Landon Gerow that I'm not a waste of his time, that a relationship with him is something I want more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, that he's the most beautiful human being I've ever met, please? Just let him know. Because words can't do him justice." I said softly to the sky. This time, I felt Landon tilt his head to me and I didn't turn mine.
"If you think you're a waste of my time, you're dead wrong." he said and then turned his head back to the sky and this time, he spoke to it. "If someone's out there, listening to Nothing's request, can you please convince her that a relationship would be too difficult? That we're just too different? I'm only doing what is right for her, you see, because I want her to be with someone that can give her more than the love she deserves. Just tell her that I only want to make her happ-" he said but I cut him off.
"Tell Landon, please, that he is absolutley crazy if he thinks that he knows what's going to make me happy. Because if he thinks any other guy could make me half as happy as I am with him, he's seriously cr-."
"Tell Nothing that she's the only thing that makes me happy either but I'm all wrong for her-"
"Tell Landon that I don't care about tha-"
"Tell Nothing that she will care in a few weeks when I just let her down aga-"
"Tell Landon that I don't care about that ei-"
"Tell Nothing that I'm running out of reasons to try and convince her that I'm the shittiest boyfrie-"
"Tell Landon that I don't care because I think I might be in love with him."
"Tell Nothing- wait, what?"
"No, scratch that. All I want you to do is tell Landon that I am in love with him. And that nothing else matters."
I heard Landon sigh a long sigh besides me. "Tell Nothing that I'm in love with her too." and with that, I turned my head towards him and he turned his heads towards me and we finally met eyes, for the first time in what felt like months, even though the concert had been just yesterday. That feeling of relief went through my again, along with a feeling of euphoria that was on account of Landon's confession.
"I'd rather you tell me that one yourself." I whispered.
"I love you." he told me.
"I love you too." I said back.
"You're not just saying that so I won't break up with you?" he asked, referring to when Dennis had broken up with me. I smiled a little.
"You're not my boyfriend." I said quietly and Landon rolled over onto this side and I followed him so now we were facing each other on the dark grass.
"Yeah I am." he said, smiling back a little. I nodded my head in the grass.
"All right." I replied. Landon put his hand on my arm and rolled me over so now he was on top of me. His hair flopped into his eye and I brushed it back.
"You're so crazy for doing this." he laughed softly to me.
"Shut up." I said quietly and pulled his head down so that we were kissing in the grass, in Jonas's backyard, in our small town in our large state in our large country on our large planet in our tiny solar system in our small galaxy that existed in our huge and vast universe.
