What's in a name? (SasuNaru Oneshot)

HOLA OMIGOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I spell that right? Whatever. Anyway, I'd like to welcome you to my first ever SasuNaru oneshot. And just to let you know, there WILL NOT be a lemon in this. Maybe in some of my later ones. Anywho, let's get back to what we're all waiting for- the actual story! *WARNING* This story is borderline crack, so don't expect that great of a plot.

Created by guess.what.its.sasori on Wednesday, March 26, 2008

"Hey, Sasuke-teme!"
Said boy turned around and glared at the offending blonde.
"What is it, dobe?"
Naruto scowled. "Sakura-chan said she'd go to the ramen bar with me........"
"IF you come along."
"...........Forget it, dobe." With that, Sasuke turned back around, hands in pockets, and began walking away. He hated ramen, and he hated Sakura, and to him, that was enough of a reason not to go.
Naruto bit his lip.
"PLEASE, teme?"
"I said no."
The blonde sighed. Time for Plan B. He didn't really expect it to work. Sakura must have been crazy to suggest this........ but there was free ramen on the line.
Sasuke nearly yelped with surprise as something slid around his waist. He whipped around to find Naruto on his knees, hugging him, with his face buried in Sasuke's........ stomach. (Tanrei: Haha, you all thought I was gonna say groin, didn't you? Shika: YOU SHOULD HAVE! Haku: Both of you shut up and write.) He stood completely frozen as Naruto looked up at him with the biggest puppydog eyes in the history of begging. "Please, Sasuke-sama?"
Sasuke's stomach tightened at the new suffix. 'That idiot, why does he have to be so god damn cute?" He shook himself out of the blonde's suggestive embrace. "Fine, dobe! I'll go to the stupid ramen bar!"
"Yippee!" Naruto immediately jumped up and began hopping around at the prospect of free ramen- Sakura had said she'd be paying. 'Oh yeah! Sakura!" He'd have to thank her later for giving him another way to overpower Sasuke. The fox wondered vaguely if it would work on Gaara. (Tanrei: OMG GAANARU! *giggles insanely* Shika: Even better, GAASASUNARU! *collapses in a puddle of drool, along with Tanrei* Haku: -_-* Idiots.)
"Hey, Sasuke-teme?"
"WHAT, dobe?"
Naruto paused for effect. "You have a nice ass." Then he bolted, expecting Sasuke to give chase and pound him. The raven, however, merely smirked to himself. 'Right back at you, dobe.'


Their meal at the ramen bar was quieter than normal, as Naruto was extremely engrossed in his ramen, and Sakura had long since gotten over her Sasuke obsession. (Haku: Yeah right, that'll happen when Ino flies. Tanrei: *gasp* You DO have a sense of humor! When did that happen? Shika: *points out the window as a blonde pig sails by* Ino flew.) And Sasuke, being Sasuke, didn't talk at all. Ever. So to keep us going crazy with boredom, let us take a peek into their heads, where the ACTION is.
Uzumaki Naruto's mind was a hectic place. Thoughts flashed by, as fast as Rock Lee, in this order: ramen, Hokage, ramen, Sakura, ramen, train, Kyuubi, ramen, Iruka, ramen, sensei, mission, ramen, happy, ramen, Sasuke, foxes, Akatsuki, and.......... you guessed it, ramen. You see, Naruto wasn't at all a stupid boy. He just always had so much to think about that it messed up his logic. One might expect that he would at least focus on the 'transition' between him and Sasuke earlier, but that was not at all the case. His main thought now was ramen. Duh.
Sakura's mind, on the other hand, was very calm and orderly. Behind that enormous forehead she held a lot of memory space- and of course, Inner Sakura, the basis of all things pink and evil. While Sakura was switching between scolding (Tanrei: I love that word. Haku: Thanks for sharing. Now, let's GET BACK TO WHAT ACTUALLY MATTERS.)Ahem. Scolding Naruto for eating too much, and scolding (Tanrei: :D) Sasuke for not eating at all, Inner Sakura was plotting. She was plotting on the best way to continue Operation Attempt SasuNaru Shonen-ai, nicknamed Operation A.S.S. (Shika Tanrei: XD Haku: -_-')
Yes, it had been Sakura who had made Naruto invite Sasuke to come with them, and suggested the........ rather seductive means of convincing him. And she didn't plan on leaving it there. Oh no, soon there would be something other than rivalry between her two best friends. Sakura unwittingly let out an evil laugh. Naruto looked at her oddly but didn't comment. With a nutjob like Sasuke on the team, you got used to that sort of thing. (Tanrei: Lol I'm so mean to Sasuke. Haku: No. You're not nearly mean enough. Shika: NUUUUUUU!!!!!!!! DUN HURT SASUKE-CHAN! Tanrei Haku: O_o)
And now, let us prepare ourselves to delve into the horrible depths of........ Sasuke's brain. *cue the dramatic music*
The brunette had his eyes closed, and to an oblivious person (Naruto) it looked like he was frowning in annoyance at his teammates. To someone smarter (Sakura) it became clear that he was trying to hide his grimace at the ramen. Only a mind reader could possibly know that the real reason he looked unhappy was because right now he was trying to un-imagine the hundred and one ways he could have just taken advantage of Naruto- and failing miserably. He had almost succeeded, too, but unfortunately he didn't notice that Sakura had just whispered something into Naruto's ear, and that Naruto's face had just cracked into an evil grin.
Sasuke blinked,and came back down to earth as something planted itself in his lap. Naruto's sapphire eyes stared imploringly up t him. "You're not thinking of letting that poor ramen go to waste, are you? Just think, right now you're denying it the right of being carressed lovingly insomeone's mouth." Sasuke could do nothing at this point except tell himself it wasn't happeing."Or perhaps," began Naruto again, "Sasuke-samawould like it more if Naruto fed him?"He nestled his head into Sasuke's hardening manhood. (Tanrei: There you go. Shika: YAHOO!)
The poor raven, at this point, had to excuse himself quickly and take care of three problems. He needed a tissue for his nose, and a cold shower as well. And now, the ninety-third way he could have taken Naruto back there was etched into his brain. It entailed black leather, and chains, and a bedpost, and whips, and a collar that attached to Naruto's-
Uh, yeah, let's exit Sasuke's mind before we're scarred for life. Believe me, the rest is NOT pretty.
He completely ignored Naruto, who had fallen off his seat laughing.


When Sasuke walked up to the bridge the next morning, and the rest of his team was already there, he was immediately suspicious. Sakura he could understand, but Naruto always slept in. Was this a pre-planned meeting? Were they together? He suppressed a growl and moved to lean on the railing. (Tanrei: Ooo, someone's jealous.) Naruto stifled a snicker.
"Hiya....... Sa-su-ke."
The raven narrowed his eyes. Something was up, but for the life of him, he couldn't figure out what. He was about to question the dobe, when Kakashi poofed out of nowhere.
"YOU'RE LATE!" screamed Sakura and Naruto. "Sorry, I was busy screwinga certain dolphin senseless." he said. Sakura sweatdropped and Naruto hissed, "Not in front of Sasuke! You'll corrupt his poor virgin ears!" He motioned to the black-haired teen, who looked ready to be sick.
"Eh-heh...... just kidding?" offered Kakashi uncertainly.
Much as Sasuke appreciated the concept of boy-on-boy (Tanrei: Translation: Him-on-Naruto. Shika: I'll have summa dat. Haku: *whacks Shika's head*), he did NOT enjoy the mental images he was getting of his two senseis fucking each other. He turned paler, if that was possible.
"Um, so who wants to know what today's mission is, haha?" laughed Kakashi nervously.
"I DO!" shouted Naruto, trying to lighten the mood. "What are we doing? Escorting a princess? Retrieving lost treasure? Or maybe," he got a glazed look, "we have to go beat the crap out of the Sound?" "Nope, something even better. You get to....." he paused dramatically, "Run errands for me!"
A moment of silence, then,


"Hey, Sa-su-ke?" asked Naruto for the tenth time. They had finally finshed the 'mission', and the blonde wouldn't shut up.
"What is it dobe."
"Ne....... do you have a fetish for bows?" The brunette blinked. "Why would you ask something like that?"
"Well, cuz I figured you musta gone after that snake-bastard for his looks, seeing as his personality is more twisted than your brother's......... who, by the way, is one sexy-" "That's enough, dobe."
A little while later, Sakura spoke up.
"Do you do your nails? They're so nice and pretty." Sasuke graoned mentally. 'Not you too, Sakura.'
"No, I don't." "He's naturally beautiful." supplied Kakashi from behind his book. "I'll second that," snickered Naruto and Sakura. Sasuke's face was beginning to turn into an interesting mix of pink and purple. 'Just one more push.' His teammates shared a glance.
He remained silent.
No response.
'Just ignore him, just ignore him,'
"Hey, Sas-uke."
Sasuke snapped. "GOD DAMN IT NARUTO, WHAT THE HELL IS WITH YOU AND MY FUCKING NAME?!?!?!?!" (Tanrei: Oooo, Sasuke's got a potty mouth. Shika: He drinks from the potty? Haku: No, you idiot. Sometimes I can't believe I share a brain with you.) "Fucking?" repeated Naruto. "If you want to, uke-chan." "DON'T CALL ME AN UKE!" The fox-boy feighned(sp?) surprise. "Whyever not, SasUKE-chan?"
Sasuke faltered. How could he have never noiced that about his own name?
Naruto apparantly sensed his victory, for he began dancing around the raven, chanting "Sasuke-uke-chan! Sasuke-uke-chan! Sasuke-uke-chan! Sasuke-uke-chan!" Sasuke stood completely still, seething. His devil and angel popped up on his shoulder- wait, did I say 'devil and angel'? I meant, 'evil devil and slightly less evil devil.' (Tanrei: Hey, it's better than us. Shika: Yeah, we have the super-evil king of the shoulder-devils on one shoulder..... Haku: ...... and his super-duper loopty-looper-mega-evil-slightly-crazy twin brother on the other...... Tanrei: and they're breeding. Somehow. O_o)
~Are you gonna stand here and take that?~ asked one devil.
~You should show him who's boss.~ agreed the other.
~If anyone's uke, it's him.~
~He needs to know that.~
Sasuke needed no more prompting. He stomped forward & grabbed Naruto's wrist. "You want uke?" he said. "I'll give you uke, Naruto-chan." With that, he began dragging the dobe- HIS dobe- towards his house, where they wouldn't be 'interrupted.' Sakura and Kakashi stared for a moment. Then Sakura jumped into the air, clapping. "YES! OPERATION ASS WAS A SUCCESS!" Then she calmed down, and fake teared. "I'm so proud. Aren't you, Sensei?" There was no reply. "Sensei?" Sakura looked around. Kakashi was gone. "Humph. Probably gone to screw Iruka again. Horny bastards." She sighed, realising a lot of people would be going the night without sleep. 'Well, if you can't beat 'em.......' She sauntered over to Ino's house. (Tanrei: Lol, jk. She's not lesbian. Shika Haku: Awwww. Tanrei: -_-* Morons. *punches them both*)


Next morning, Naruto and Sasuke came to the bridge together- even later than Kakashi Sensei.
Sasuke was smirking, and poor Naruto was limping. Kakashi's eye crinkled. "Did you have fun?" Naruto groaned and Sasuke's smirk widened. Sakura just giggled.
"It's not funny! My ass hurts so bad! Sasuke's really big and he pushes too hard! When he went in it felt like he was trying to go up to my-"
"Okay, we get it." Kakashi cut him off hurriedly. "We don't need specifics. You can keep the details to yourselves, right Sakura?"
Sakura was too busy trying to imagine the two banging each other.
"Although," said Kakashi, dropping his voice down, "I do have the whole Make-Out series, if you want any-"
"We don't need help from your porn book, sensei." grumbled Naruto.
"Alright, but they're really useful. I know you guys must want to fuck each other whenever possible.......... that way, you can make lots of babies." Sakura snapped out of her daze. "I call being godmother!"
"Wha-b-but-we didn't- Men can't have babies!" spluttered an indignant Naruto.
"Well, you never know." put in Kakashi. "And besides," purred a voice from behind Naruto, as two arms latched around his waist, "it's the trying that's the fun part." Sasuke slowly licked the blonde's ear.
"Hn....... t-teme."groaned Naruto, trying to hold back a moan as a hand drifted downward. The raven suddenly stopped his admonitions. "I told you....." he growled, "don't call me that! I'm SEME now!"
"Hehe...... You'll always be teme to me." "Call me seme!" "NO, teme!" "Seme!" "Teme!" "Seme!" "Teme!" "SEME!" "TEME!" "SEME!" "TEME!" "SEME!" "SEME!" "TEME- wait, wha?"
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Naruto burst out. "You just called yourself a bastard!" Sasuke paused, then smirked. "Well if I'm a bastard, the you're my bitch." He expected the dobe to freak out and attack him, and hopefully put them in a very compromising position. However, the fow just grinned his trademark grin.
"Touche....... Sasuke-uke-chan."
Tanrei: Haha, the whole time I was writing this, I had a vision of a chibi Naruto dressed in a ballerina costume, prancing around Sasuke chanting "Uke-chan! Uke-chan! Uke-chan!"
Haku: -_-* And of course, we had to watch it too.
Shika: All I gotta say is, Naruto would look S-M-E-X-Y in a maid outfit. *starts thinking perverted thoughts*
Tanrei Haku: Do we need a repeat of earlier?*insert evil deathglares of doom*
Shika: N-no. Gomen! *kneels down in front of us*
Tanrei: -_-' Don't ask....... I can tell you, it wasn't pretty.

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