banner by penguins-n-oliver
“Just the Beginning –IS Fan Fic”
Chapter 27: Heartbreak Happens
“Writer’s block can cripple an entire album. I wrote dozens of songs for this album, but lately I’ve felt that something is missing. I need something new, but until I can find it I’m stuck here with Darius breathing down my neck for a complete album and Tommy desperately mediating between us.”
I threw the hundredth sheet of paper over my shoulder; the page crumpled up into a ball aside the others that were less than mediocre. I could not figure out what was wrong with each of them, only that they too did not contain the emotion I wanted to infuse into the last song of my new album. I was already two days past the deadline and Darius was less than happy to give me a week’s extension. The last few weeks leading up to this moment have inspired me in so many different ways, but I just can’t find the words to describe it. The pressure of the engagement seems to be clouding all of my creativity. I know I should be happy, more than happy. I should be ecstatic. But I cannot deny the fact that I’m more scared than anything else. I want to be a good wife. I don’t want to end up like my parents –hating each other in the midst of a very awkward divorce.
“Everything okay superstar?” Tommy surprised me. I was so caught up in scribbling more disposable lyrics that I had not heard him walk into the studio.
“Huh?” I replied, still getting over the surprise. “Yeah I’m fine. Just trying to get this song right. Something just feels missing, you know. I can’t put my finger on it though.”
He smiled softly at me, running his hand through my hair absentmindedly. “This reminds me of when we first met. You rushing, trying to get everything right as fast as possible. Just give yourself a few minutes to relax, clear your head, and then come back to it. Let inspiration find you.”
It seems like he always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. I don’t deserve him sometimes. Of course he did choose me, so who am I to argue? His optimism puts me in a joking mood. “Well I only have three more years to create my masterpiece. Where’s yours?” I say, alluding to the words I spoke that day.
“You’re it. You are my masterpiece. Everything good I’ve done has been because of you,” he replied, taking a seat next to me.
“So Darius is throwing some kind of industry party for Izzy tonight –tour kickoff or something. Want to be my date?” As if he had to ask. Though I admit I found it rather cute that he did.
“And I was hoping to take Spied with me” I replied sarcastically. “You know you never have to ask. Beside, Spied’s going with Izzy anyway.”
“Guess you’ll have to settle for little ol’ me. I mean I’m no Vincent Spiederman, but I clean up rather nicely.” He looked over my shoulder onto the piece of paper that I was no longer using. “You want a little help with this one? I mean I have been your wingman for five years.”
“I was going to ask you, but with everything that’s going on lately I guess I keep forgetting. I can’t decide what to write, everything just doesn’t seem to fit the way I want it to.” He leaned in close to me, cupping one hand around my face.
“Just write, don’t worry about whether or not it makes sense. Get it all out on paper and then we’ll decide what to do with it. Though you might want to try to get the writing portion of this done by tomorrow. Darius has been muttering things about deadlines all day. I’ll see what I can do to help you and calm him. I’ll bring you some coffee.” With that, he got up and walked toward hospitality. Sometimes I think he can read my mind. I was just about to refill my mug when he offered.
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The thoughts had been muddled in Jude’s head for weeks. Somehow the pressure, anxiety more like, that had been caused by the engagement had also managed to stifle her creativity. The lyrics only seemed to reflect her own conflicted feeling about becoming a wife. Sure, she and Tommy were not the white picket fence and minivan kind but she wasn’t entirely sure Tommy shied away from the image –as long as the minivan could be replaced by a flashy SUV, he would probably see nothing lacking. But for Jude the image was entirely wrong. He was ready to settle down, but she was just getting out into the world.
He knew that Jude was young. He knew that she had a lot more to see of the world before she could start a family. But the fact caused him little inquietude. He was a patient man now, if he had not always been so. Marriage was one step forward, but he was willing to wait before he pushed for a family. As long as she was by his side he would be incandescently happy. They could travel for a few years, be it business or otherwise, and maybe get a dog once they were settled enough. A child training device of sorts, he imagined. Jude’s increased stress level on the other hand kept him from being entirely confident that she was ready for this step, despite her acquiescence.
He stirred some cream into her coffee and tried to ignore the fact that he there was a real possibility that Jude would soon break their engagement and his heart. He contemplated proposing they slow down, set a date a year or two into the future –later if she wanted. But he knew she could take that wrong way as well. She was a woman of extremes. He decided to wait it out a few days and bring it up after the album was complete. He walked back into the studio, two coffees in hand, and took his usual seat at the sound board.
“Any fresh ideas superstar?” he asked as he handed her a mug of coffee. Jude had begun to scribble some new lyrics while Tommy had been gone. She had nearly filled up the page in her journal by this time –over half was scribbled and scratched out. A single word on the page caught Tommy’s attention –freefall. He took it and ran with it, grabbing a pen and starting to work around some of Jude’s lyrics.
“Something doesn’t feel right,” she said crossing out another line on the page and flipping it over to have more space to work on. He rearranged a few lines on the page. “How about this?” he asked. They worked. Jude smiled and snatched up the page –finishing the song a few minutes later. “You’re my muse,” she said as she rushed into the booth, impatient to get the song finished and on Darius’s desk before the he left the office.
A rough version of the song was finished, but unfortunately the band was nowhere to be found to record the backing track. They had undoubtedly been setting up some sort of send off prank for Izzy who was scheduled for her first show in some nameless town in just a few hours. They stopped; the vocals were laid down in 3 takes. “Wanna head to your place? Maybe change clothes for Izzy’s party. I can drop you off on my way home and pick you up when you’re ready,” said Tommy over the intercom after they completed one posterity track.
She looked at her watch. She contemplated needing fresh clothes and possibly a shower, but her creative juices were flowing for the first time in weeks and she didn’t want to waste it. “I think I’ll just stay here. I think I can lay down the guitar tracks myself, you go ahead.”
“I can stay if you need me,” he offered. He was in pretty desperate need of a shower and a fresh shirt, but it made him happy to help Jude with her music.
“No, you go ahead. We can finish up when you get back.” He wanted to stay and help, but he knew that he didn’t want to push Jude. She needed her space and the last thing he wanted was to smoother her. He walked into the booth to give her a goodbye kiss.”I’ll bring you a fresh shirt,” he said with a smile. He embraced her small frame and breathed in the scent of her hair. “I love you, see you soon.”
“I love you too,” she said, pausing to look into his eyes. She couldn’t help but bask in the intensity of his stare. They parted, softly releasing one another –their hand touching until their hands were no longer able to. She took a deep breath and tried to suppress the doubts that unabatedly sprung up in the back of her mind.
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Portia intercepted Tommy on his way out. To tell the truth, she’d been loitering at the door of his office for a quarter of an hour in hopes of catching him alone before the party. Her heart still needed time to heal, but she had decided on giving up her failed attempts at re-conquest. He was in love with Jude. She could see it in his eyes. He looked at Jude the same way he used to stare at Angie, only with more passion though the possibility of more passion than that had seemed improbably. Yet there it was right in front of her. He had eyes for no one else, and no amount of trotting about like a painted doll would make him look at her like that.
She paced back and forth, absentmindedly flipping through a fashion magazine with an earmark on the wedding dress section that particular issue included as a special article. She discerned his footsteps coming toward her and she froze still, the bile of her stomach bubbling and her heart beginning to pound. She had no idea why she was so nervous or why she felt that she would be stuck mute just as he turned the corner, but she forced herself to greet him as she reached for the door. “Tom, um, I wanted to talk to you,” she said as he turned the knob. He looked at her incredulously, her heart subconsciously sank at the realization that his eyes were devoid of the brilliancy cast of them as he looked at Jude. “I just wanted to show you this dress I found for Jude. I want to give her the dress as a wedding present, a surprise. I just thought you might like to see it first.”
Tommy was still in a state of semi-shock when Portia flipped the magazine over to the earmarked page. He looked at the dress, but he was too confused to genuinely examine it. “I thought it was bad luck for the groom to see the dress before the wedding?” he stuttered out.
“Only is the bride is in the dress,” she replied, a smile forming on her mouth at his absurdity. “Now this dress is very elegant, and simple –perfect for a night or daytime wedding. I think it would fit her like a glove. It’s from Vera Wang’s new collection.” She decided to take it slow and then segue into what she had come to him on purpose to say.
“It’s gorgeous,” he replied after better inspection of the gown. It did suit Jude’s frame precisely. “I think she’ll love it, just don’t give it to her yet –we haven’t decided on the date,” he looked at his watch. He only had an hour and a half to change and bring Jude her clothes. “Is that all you needed to talk to me about Portia? I need to go run some errands before Izzy’s send off.”
She looked down at her feet and tried to muster the courage to speak, even if she had to do it while staring at her red painted toes and not his eyes in order to be able to do so. “I’m sorry,” she muttered in a nearly inaudible tone.
“What was that Portia?” Tommy asked, unable to make out her words.
“I’m sorry Tommy,” she repeated.
“What for?” he asked missing her intended meaning.
“I’m sorry for who I’ve been acting lately. I’m sorry I tried to get in between the two of you. I should have learned my lesson on that years ago, with Angie. You love Jude, more than you loved Angie even –more than you ever could or ever did love me. I can accept that now. You deserve to be happy, with Jude. And so do I, but not with you. I understand that now. I just hope that we can still at least be friends; I don’t want to cut you out of my life entirely just because you’re not in love with me. We’ve known each other too long to throw our friendship away over my stupidity.”
“It’s okay Portia. I know this hasn’t been easy for you and I can’t deny that I’m not at least partially to blame for the way I treated you. Thank you, for the dress and for apologizing –you didn’t have to. I’ll see you tonight.” He ended the exchange by walking into his office. He grabbed his jacket and keys and headed out, peeking in at Jude concentrated intensely on the couch in Studio A with her guitar. The sight made him laugh a little at how serious she could be when it came to music –it reminded him of their first real day working together out on the pier. It was amazing how little and how much she had changed since then.
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Shay had spent the last weeks rehearsing for his own tour and moping around Darius mansion in his off time. He had it bad. He tried to save face and pretend he didn’t care that Karma had used him, but he liked her despite of himself. He was hoping a few months away would be enough to shake the feelings he had for her, but something was different this time around. She made him feel like no other girl had, even Jude. Maybe it was because he wasn’t in control when it came to her. He didn’t leave her. She left him, and used him on top of that. Yet he could not get himself to stay angry at her. He was more hurt than he was angry.
Spied on the other hand he could be angry with. His passive aggression has extended as far as accidental pushing and the occasional snide remark. He was behaving like a child. But tour at least offered him a chance to escape it all. He was to leave in three weeks time –to Japan first and then make his way through Europe, back through the States and back to Canada. It would give him a good 8 months to think things over and hopefully forget Karma in the process. She was only a girl after all.
His dancers were on a lunch break, but he preferred to stay behind and continue working. He had already gone through a box of cereal earlier that day and was not feeling especially hungry. He grabbed his mp3 player and put on his headphone, practicing his moves in the mirror while he waited for the dancers to return. He was convinced eight months was plenty of time for him to stop thinking about Karma. He considered the prospect of having a fling or two while in Japan. He always did like it there.
Karma had been fruitlessly chasing after Spied in the past few days. She almost believed that Izzy leaving would be enough to persuade him in her direction. He hung on her more than ever, much to Karma’s disappointment. She’d had enough. She’d never tried so hard to get a guy in the past and failed –they always fought for her. Giving up was the only thing she could think to do. She hated the humiliation of being rejected and a goofy kid who still wore Thunder Cats pajamas was not the kind of guy she would normally want decorating her arm. She would get over him, she thought to herself –she was too good for him anyway.
She wandered the halls of G Major aimlessly. She wasn’t scheduled for studio time today, but she showed up a few hours early for the party nonetheless. Her original plan was to try to catch Spied alone, but he was nowhere to be found so she decided to wander about instead. She mulled over her options as she walked past the various studios and offices on the first floor. She passed Shay’s dancers on her solitary ramble and decided to take advantage of the empty rehearsal space while they had their lunch.
She walked into the space, surprised to find Shay still in the space hard at work. She knew that leaving would be the polite thing to do, but instead she hung on the back wall watching him rehearse. He did not see her watching him until he had gotten through two songs. He paused to grab a drink of water and wipe his brow with a towel when he realized he’d had company –the one person he had not wanted to see at least not when caught off guard.
“You have some nice moves there,” she complimented. She had forgotten how much she liked watching his videos on MTV before her Instant Star days.
“Thanks,” he said half-heartedly. He was not pleased to be taken by surprise –it made him lose the resolve he’d had to act indifferent toward her. “What are you doing here anyway?” He was unable to hide the bitterness in his tone as he spoke to her.
“Just thought I’d take advantage of the empty space to work on some moves on my own. Guess I wasn’t the only one to come up with the idea.”
Shay wanted to shoo her away from his space, but instead he decided to have some fun –maybe give her one more shot before he wrote her off entirely. A smirk formed on his face. “Wanna show me what you got?” he challenged with a laugh, conceitedly showing her a few of his best moves. She made her way to the front of the room and flawlessly executed her video routine. Soon they were entangled in a regular dance off, and before they knew it they were teaching each other various dance moves.
He tried to teach her the Tango, she was a quick learner and he was a strong partner. Sparks reignited in his heart and Karma couldn’t deny that his charm was working on her –he had an uncanny talent for making girls swoon in his arms. His lips met hers and she didn’t want to pull away. She liked him. Her obsession with Spied had blinded her to the fact that Shay was precisely her type. The spent the rest of the lunch hour dancing and laughing. He jokingly suggested they take their act on tour and she jumped at the chance to get her name out there on top of having time away –Shay seemed like a good travel companion. A genuine offer was then made on his part and she was more than happy to consent. His dancers soon returned and temporarily interrupted their fun.
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Jude had started to get anxious. She loved Tommy, she really did, but her instincts were telling her to run. She tried to clear her head enough to get some work done, but she was getting stuck again. The song felt right when she was with Tommy but his absence had given her time to doubt. Her parent divorce affected her more that she liked to admit –she didn’t want to end up like them by jumping into an early marriage. She wasn’t sure how to tell Tommy. Moreover she was afraid to tell him. She grabbed her journal again and began scribbling out lyrics –they were entirely the opposite of what she had written with Tommy, but somehow they felt more right. The words flowed out effortlessly and the tune was formed in her head before it was completely written out.
Feels like the weight of the world,
Like God in heaven gave me a turn.
Don't cling to me, I swear I can't fix you.
Still in the dark, can you fix me?
Freefall, freefall, all through life.
If you love me, then let go of me.
I won't be held down by who I used to be.
She's nothing to me.
Feels like the weight of the world,
Like all my screaming has gone unheard.
And oh, I know you don't believe in me.
Safe in the dark, how can you see?
Freefall, freefall, all through life.
If you love me, then let go of me.
I won't be held down by who I used to be.
If you love me, then let go of me
I won't be held down by who I was
If you love me, then let go of me
I won't be held down by who I used to be
She laid the track down on her own, going acoustic since she had no band at the moment. She liked the idea of having written, composed, and produced the song independently –it was freeing. She finished with 20 minutes to spare. She copied the final product onto a disk and headed over to Darius’s office.
She knew he would be gone. She placed the disk on his desk with a note attached. “I have to leave for a while. I’ll be back before I’m missed. Here’s the rough copy of my album. I’m sure you and Tommy can decide on the final arrangement. –Jude”
