Las Vegas, the Magical Unicorn (A Reasonable Story) First Draft

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a unicorn. But he was not just any unicorn. He was Las Vegas, the magical unicorn.
Las Vegas was the best dancer at his high school. He earned a $400,000 scholarship, and was being pressured by his parents, instructors, and peers to a attend a dance academy as soon as he graduated.
But Las Vegas was a rebel. He stole flying saucers and auctioned celebrity speeding tickets on eBay. He didn't want to be a dancer.
So Las Vegas ran away. After long, tiring hours of galloping, Las Vegas came across another land far, far away - the Sahara Desert. It was then that he realized he had forgotten to eat before he left.
Las Vegas was so tired and hungry, he thought he might die of starvation.
Suddenly his nostrils caught the scent of orange marmalade, one of Las Vegas' favorites. He followed the smell to a tuna fish on the curb with a big bucket of orange marmalade.
"Well, howdy, kind stranger," the tuna greeted Las Vegas. "My name is Gertrude. Would you like some orange marmalade?"
"Darn Tommy tootin'!" Las Vegas exclaimed. "Would I ever!"
As he reached his snout into the bucket to take some, Gertrude cried, "Whoa there, buccaroo!" Las Vegas tilted his head, confused, and the fish continued. "You have to pay for it first."
"What's it cost?" he asked.
"Depends," Gertrude stated. "How much do you want?"
"The whole kit and caboodle," came Las Vegas' response.
Gertrude then whipped out a calculator and started rapidly pressing buttons with her fins. "I reckon you owe me... a cheesy love poem."
So Las Vegas wrote her the most beautiful cheesy love poem ever. They were married minutes later.
After their wedding, they were sitting around outside, watching the clouds.
"I reckon that one looks like a cotton gin," Gertrude said about one of the clouds.
"That one over yonder is like a music stand," Las Vegas declared. "Or two, or three, or fourteen."
Their eyes both drifted to the same spot, where an unidentified object was falling out of the sky.
"Gee whilikers!" Gertrude exclaimed. "What do you reckon that is, Las Vegas?"
He was unable to reply because the UFO had landed, and it was none other than a mad marine biologist.
With a Tarzan sort of yell, he lifted Gertrude over his head and ran away with her... but not before robbing Las Vegas of every penny of his scholarship money.
Now that Las Vegas had lost all his money, not to mention his wife that he had grown quite fond of in the few minutes he had known her, he began to cry.
He cried so hard that he formed a magical river that he soon drowned in.
THE END.
BUTTON.
RESULT.
Oi. I still appreciate help. =)