*Healing* - An Original Story by Jaciira

Healing

Jaciira

---

There is a book that I read in my first few months in the strange land known as Earth. It was a very good book, if not somewhat unbelievable, but one quote stuck with me for the rest of my life. The quote is, "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." Perhaps the reason this quote struck such a chord with me was because of how much pain I was currently going through. I just lost my twin sister and knew that it was my fault that she was dead. I did not know what I was going to do. I was in a strange land with unfamiliar people. I had a different name and no one knew of my strange ability. Then again, perhaps it became trapped in my mind just because of that strange ability. Day after day I would have to tell people that I could not help them. Day after monotonous day I would have to condemn people to death. You may ask how I was capable of doing such a thing. I can only answer with the fact that I had no other choice.

You see, I have a strange ability. I can heal any injury, any illness, and any malady by simply concentrating on the lingering touch of my hand on their skin. There is one hindrance, however. I can only heal one person in a day. One person a day is all I can heal. Even if I lived to be a thousand I could not help everyone that I wished to. I ask you one thing, if you were in my position, how would you choose who would live and who would die? Would you be able to? It is not easy, to turn these hurting people away. I did so because, as selfish as it sounds, I could not handle the emotional strain.

I do not know if anyone will ever read this. It is simply an account of my life during my most trying time; after I lost Kinsera and decided it would be in the interest of those I still had if I vanished to a distant world far away from my own home. I decided to live on Earth. I do not ask you to believe this, or to tell people of this. I only ask one thing. Please, please take something from my life. Some lesson or attribute that can help you. Even if you believe this is completely fictitious, try to find some moral that will make your life better.

I have been called many things in my life. Many of them I have not been completely pleased with. The list goes on and on. I have been called such things as "Healing One", Chae'er, Curist, Healer, Mara Karsen, and Miira. None of this changes the fact that I am Lacrymiira Karmeah. I am the one whose name literally means, "Healing One."

---

I had decided earlier this morning to visit my mother's grave. It still hurt to think of Aerama Karmeah. If I had been stronger I may have been able to save her. Kinsera frequently tells me that it wasn't my fault. This usually happens when I'm in one of my "moods" as Rugiiru, my older brother, calls them. She can't convince me though. It is my fault that Mum isn't here. I had only been eight and couldn't control my healing. Mum got hurt and I couldn't heal her.

Her grave was simple. It was how she would have wanted it. It was marble and read quite simply:

"I'm sorry, Mum. Please forgive me." I whispered, feeling despair. I said this everytime I came to her grave. Even after eight years, I never forgot to ask for her forgiveness. I rose from the damp ground and began to make my way back to the cottage where Rugiiru, Kinsera, and I lived. I know nothing of our father. He vanished after Kinsera and I were born. Mum told us that she made him leave because he wanted to use my gift for profit and Mum wouldn't let him. This didn't bother me. If my father was willing to use his daughter for personal gain then he wasn't really much of a father, was he?

I was nearly home when it happened. I heard yelling from the house and I felt my heart contract in fear. Whose voice was that? Was it another dying wish for me to heal them? Even if I wanted to heal them, I could not. I had healed a woman early this morning. She was called Mae'era and was dying of a growth in her back. She told me that she would gladly accept Death's embrace, but her daughter Kensii needed her. They were all each other had. Would this sickly man go peacefully? I did not know.

Suddenly and without warning, pain hit me in my chest. It felt as if someone were hitting me with a brick or stabbing me with a knife. I doubled over in grievance, clutching at the abrupt pain in a vain attempt to alleviate it. I could feel vomit welling up in my throat and struggled against it. I felt tears slip down my face as the pain vanished only to be replaced with a strange emptiness that seemed to fill my entire being. I felt numb, unable to cope with anything. I had the strange thought that this is what it felt like to die. As I fell to the ground, debilitating despair filled my entire being. Then everything was black and all I knew was darkness.

---

Most people will not be able to understand the complete and utter despair that descended upon me at this point in my life. I was sixteen, so young, yet I had lost my mother, had no father, and now my twin sister, my other half, Kinsera was gone from me forever. No one can understand the degree of my despair unless they are also one half of another, only if they have a twin.

A man had broke into our house and demanded that Kinsera heal him, thinking that she was me. Rugiiru and Kinsera tried to explain to him that she could not heal him, that she did not possess the ability, but he did not believe them. He stabbed her before either could do anything. When I awoke, Rugiiru was there sounding more broken than I had ever heard him before. He told me what happened as I lay on my bed, in shock. I remember thinking only that it could not truly be happening. That Kinsera couldn't possibly be dead. How could my twin, my other half be gone? How could she leave me alone in this cold and cruel world?

I demanded to see Kinsera, refusing to believe that she was really gone until I saw her myself. Rugiiru tried to convince me that it wasn't a good idea but I adamantly refused. She was my twin and I needed to see her. I think that it goes without saying that I was rudely awakened. That was when I decided that it wasn't safe for me to stay. I needed to leave, to start over, and to try and become a new person. Two days after Kinsera's funeral I left for Earth. I know that those of you who are scientific will want to know how I traveled between worlds. I cannot tell you. It is a complex process that I do not understand in the slightest. That is all I know. I arrived on Earth with a new name, my long, dark hair cut shorter than it had been in my entire life, and feigning amnesia. It was a relief, to be another person, one who had no past. Mara Karsen did not have a twin sister to mourn or a brother to worry about. I thought that it would be easy to push my pain away by immersing myself in another culture, another world. I read book after book, was introduced to such things as television and the internet, and was enrolled at the local high school. By the time I began the eleventh grade, I had read through half of the bookstore, not to mention the library. I never would have dreamed that I would ever want to tell someone about my mother and Kinsera and Rugiiru.

Then I met James Hammond.

I was absolutely terrified on the first day of school. The three months that I had been on Earth I had researched everything I could about the culture of the world I was now a part of. It was complex and hard to understand but I was almost positive that I knew enough to get by. After all, if anyone questioned my ignorance I could just answer with my excuse of amnesia and that I couldn't remember anything from before three months previously. Modesty aside, it was a brilliant excuse. Not only could I do away with the questions of whether I was all right that my twin sister was gone, but I could be forgiven for not understanding certain aspects of earthen culture. I thought I was prepared. As soon as I stepped into the high school I knew that I was woefully wrong.

It was nothing, nothing compared to the books I had read. The other teenagers around me were rude and uncouth, running into me without a second glance. The girls all wore clothes that revealed as much skin as humanly possible and the boys all had their pants hanging around their ankles. I got some strange glances at my more conservative fashion, which was not quite as odd as the children made it out to be.

Being in the classes was not as bad as I had expected, however. It was interesting to be learning about all the new things around me. Education in my world had been severely limited and not as widespread as that of Earth's, or at the very least America's. The teachers in the classes insisted on making a spectacle of me. It was a small town where everyone knew each other and I was the girl with amnesia. I was forced to introduce myself and I don't think I've ever blushed so much in one day. Being in front of crowds didn't normally bother me but there was just something about introducing myself as Mara instead of Miira that intimidated me. Perhaps Miira could be a fearless speaker, but Mara definitely could not.

I met James Hammond in my English class. The teacher sat us next to each other and I could not help but stare. He was very good-looking and was one of the few boys I had seen thus far that dressed appropriately. He had curly brown hair and warm chocolate coloured eyes that sparkled when he was happy. He was the first person that I really felt connected to on Earth.

"It was Mara, right?" he had asked me casually. I had simply nodded, tucking my hair behind my ear, still marveling at the lack of length to it. My hair had been at least waist length my entire life. Upon arriving on Earth I had felt the need to cut it. Kinsera's hair had always been long, too. "I'm James."

"It's nice to meet you, James." I had answered, trying to be as genuine as I could. It was more difficult than I had imagined to try and push past my grief and live life.

"It's nice to meet you, too, Mara." he had smiled at me in such a way that I could not help but smile back. It was the first time that I had actually smiled and meant it since Kinsera died.

James and I became friends after that. He proved to be an ardent book-lover and was shocked at the amount of books I had managed to read in the span of three months. I felt guilty when I lied to him and said that I couldn't remember any books I had read before then because it certainly wasn't true. I could remember every one vividly; there were just so few books in my world that I couldn't read as frequently. It had depressed me quite often. I had been genuinely happy when my foster-mother, Christine, took me to the library. I had spent the entire day there and hadn't grieved over Kinsera once. It had been both healing and terrifying. Would I really be capable of moving on? I did not know.

It was easy for me to be with James. He was such a happy person that it was infectious. He was always so happy and he genuinely cared about me. I could not help but feel better around him. That isn't to say it wasn't difficult for me. It was still immensely hard because I had no one to talk to. I had to hide my grief because what was I mourning? I could remember nothing so what reason did I have to grieve? James was better at catching me in my grief than anyone else. Despite the fact that we should not know each other, he read me incredibly well. He could always tell exactly what I was feeling despite the façade I put on. He was able to catch me whenever I was thinking about Kinsera. I wanted to tell him so badly but I couldn't. How could I, when I had come to Earth for the very reason as to forget her and protect the ones I loved? If I told him about Kinsera I would have to tell him about my gift and that would be when the trouble began. Eventually, he grew tired of my secrecy and we argued. It was the first time we had argued and it had been six months after I arrived on Earth, three months since I met James.

---

"Why won't you just let me be?" I questioned in exasperation. "Why do you keep asking me? Can't you see that I don't want to talk about it?" I ran my hand through my hair habitually. When it had been long I had always twisted it around when I was frustrated. Now that it was short I ran my hand through it.

"Because, Mara, I can see that it's hurting you!" James told me, care etched into his voice. "I don't like seeing you hurt. Have you remembered something? What happened to your family? Please, just talk to me." His brown eyes bore into me and I had to rip my gaze away. His eyes held too much power over me.

"Let it be, James." I whispered, pleading with him. I tried to move away but his fingers closed around my wrist. "James-"

"Mara, you're not alone. Why do you keep acting like you want to be? Nobody wants to be alone." his voice was quiet, trying to soothe my irrational anger.

"That doesn't mean they won't force themselves to be alone." I snapped, pulling out of his grasp. I cursed myself, knowing that he would understand. He would figure out that I wasn't as oblivious of my past as I led people to believe. He looked at me incredulously, surveying me under an unfathomable gaze. I felt like I was being studied and that he could see right through me.

"Why would you force yourself to be alone?" he asked me, his voice softer than I had ever heard it before. I shut my eyes, trying to resist the urge to give in and explain why I was so guarded. It seemed as if James Hammond was my own personal daemon and angel at the same time. He was the only person that I felt as if I could confide in. This alone made him my angel and daemon all in one. "Mara... you can tell me anything. I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to. I promise."

I found my resolve faltering. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I didn't want to be alone. So what if I told him about Kinsera? He needn't know about anything else. I could just say that I remember that I have a sister and that she died. Would it be so odd if I remembered that small amount of information? Would it give me away? I found that I no longer cared. I needed to tell someone. Why shouldn't it be James? Who else could I trust?

"Okay." I whispered with great hesitance.

"Okay?" James asked, surprise clear in his voice.

I nodded, refusing to meet his gaze. "I remember... I have a sister. I had a sister. Her name was... Sara. We were twins and she... she's gone. She died." I denied myself the wish to look up at him, staring at the ground. I jumped slightly when his hand, cold from the wind, brushed against my cheek.

"How?" he asked simply.

I shook my head, feigning ignorance, still refusing to look up. "I don't know. I just know she's gone." I looked up, unable to resist temptation any longer and I felt my heart plummet. He saw right through me. He knew I was lying. I should have known better. James understood me far too much; whether for his own good or mine I was unsure. I saw that he was going to let it go, though. For now, at least; I could tell that this subject was not about to drop for good. However, he pushed away his suspicion and pulled me into his arms.

"I'm sorry, Mara." I sighed with contentment. Was it rational to feel this safe in someone's arms? Of all people I should know how frail a defense it was. A mere embrace could not protect someone so easily. I shouldn't feel safe just because James Hammond was holding me. Yet, it felt so healing. It felt as if my worries and fears were being calmed and soothed.

I said nothing because there was nothing for me to say. What was there that I could say? I simply returned the embrace, wrapping my arms around his waist, pressing my face into his neck. I felt an almost insuppressible urge to tell him everything. To tell him that I was really Miira, that I could heal people, that it was my fault my sister was dead but I couldn't.

---

My resolve did not last long. I was only able to suppress the terrifyingly strong urge to confess to James for another six months. Then I found myself trapped. I woke up one morning and looked at the calendar. Seeing the date was too much to bear. I didn't go to school, feigning illness. It wasn't difficult to fool Christine. I didn't exactly look healthy. James came after school to check on me while Christine and Adam were still at work. I had spent the entire day crying and curled up in a ball on my bed, unable to move because of the debilitating pain that I was being put through.

It was the anniversary of Kinsera's death.

I could no longer hold back. I told him everything. I didn't even regret it. I have never regretted telling him. In fact, I regret not telling him sooner.

---

"Mara?" James's voice floated up to me and I tried to brush away my tears, knowing that it was hopeless. I heard the front door open and he called once more. "Mara? Are you okay? Where are you?" I tried to speak, to call out to him but all that came out was a strangled sob. I heard his footsteps rush up the steps and I brought my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs. I heard my bedroom door open and looked up blindly.

He was at my side in an instant.

"Mara? What's wrong? What happened?" he asked, his voice worried and strangled. I could not speak and tears poured down my cheeks with a vengeance. He could see my distress and pulled me into his arms, stroking my hair and rocking me gently. Sobs ripped from my throat and he whispered in my ear but I could not hear what he said. Guilt was coursing through me like fire. How could I be here, in the arms of someone I loved and who cared about me unconditionally while Kinsera could never feel this? How could I live with myself, knowing that I was the reason she was gone?

"James-" I managed to choke out between my sobs. He just held me closer and pressed his lips against the crown of my head.

"It's okay, Mara. Just breathe. It's okay."

I wanted to believe him but I couldn't. How could I? How could everything be okay when Kinsera was gone? I could not stop crying and time passed me by. I did not know how fast or slow it passed. It may have been hours, or days, years even, by the time I was able to gain some semblance of self control.

"Mara..." James whispered, apparently shocked and scared at my despair. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"James... I-I want to tell you." I whispered, knowing that I could no longer contain my sorrow and fears. "I want to tell you everything." I looked up at him, wondering if he would actually want to hear my story. I gazed up at him and prayed to any higher being that there was that he would not reject me.

"Okay, Mara. You know I'm here."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and I told him. I told him everything. I told him that my name was really Lacrymiira and that I could heal people. I told him about Kinsera and my mother. I told him about Rugiiru and my world. I told him everything. And when I was finished, when tears were flying down my face once more, he drew me close, the embrace almost painful.

"Miira..." He whispered, testing my name on his tongue. "I'm here for you. I won't leave, I promise." I sighed and it turned into a strangled gasp. His lips brushed my ear and he whispered, "I promise you, Miira. I won't leave." I felt calmness flood me, chasing away the fire of my fear and guilt. I pulled back and knew in that instant that I was in love with James Hammond. I knew then that there was no going back.

"James..." I whispered, a strange desire entering my mind. I brushed my hand through his tousled hair, letting my fingers trail down his cheek. I moved forward slowly and pressed my lips against his for an instant. I pulled back suddenly, not knowing what his reaction would be. His brown eyes stared at me unfathomably. I had always had a difficult time reading his eyes. His expression was like an open book but his eyes... they were something different. His emotions were so strong and I could not read them in his eyes.

He mirrored my motions and brushed his hand through my dark hair, his fingers leaving a trail of fire down my cheek. "Miira..."

Then he kissed me.

In that instant, beyond all reasoning and coherence, I knew that James would never leave me. That he would be by me for the rest of my life if that was where I wanted him.

A second revelation struck me. James Hammond was as much in love with me as I was with him.

---

Another quote has stuck with me because of how it reminds me of my life. I find myself angry because I cannot remember where I heard it, but it has stuck with me nonetheless. The quote is this: "It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives." This quote has stayed in my mind throughout the years because it summarizes my feelings as well as the first quote does. I did not realize exactly how much Kinsera meant to me until she was gone. I knew that I would be nothing without her, that she was my other half, but I did not know how hard it would be to live without her. I did not realize how incomplete I was until I met James. Kinsera may have been my other half, but James, as clichéd as it may sound, completed me. He made me whole. He made me feel like a better person. Because of James, I learned how to truly live.

The point of my narrative, the point of me telling you about my life is this: I want to be able to reach out to those who are hurting as I was. I want to let people know that even when they feel like they are completely and utterly alone, there is always someone, somewhere who cares about you. All you have to do is look for them. So my challenge for those of you mourning, those of you grieving, those of you who are heart-broken, is another quote that has stuck with me. I can only hope that I have done it justice. Remember, to live life to the fullest you should keep this in mind. "Dream as if you'll live forever, but live as if you'll die today."

I like to think that I have lived in this way. I am no longer young but I am happy, as Kinsera would have wanted it. I am married to the love of my life and have a beautiful family. I am no longer sorrowing and in pain. I still love Kinsera and wish that she was here but I no longer blame myself. I may have lost Kinsera, but I gained James. I gained a family. I gained a life. If Kinsera were here, she would be happy for me. Of that I am sure. So remember just one thing; live life how those who have left would have wanted you to live. If they didn't want you to live happily, then it is a good thing they left, isn't it?

--- THE END ---