We all know them. In fact, many of us love them. The truth is we wouldn’t be so fond of them if we knew who they really were. Little Einsteins, Dora the Explorer, Pooh Bear, and Barney are all trying to hide the truth. Fortunately for you, we’re going to tell you the truth and nothing but the truth!
Does your child watch the Little Einsteins every morning? Does it bother you that they’re really teaching your kids about weaponry and bombs? Or have you yet to figure that out? The Little Einsteins are really trying to hypnotize your kids into making a mass army of three year olds. I am a secret agent of the C.C.A.S (or the Children’s Cartoon Annihilation Society). My partner and I will protect your children from those evil cartoons. Little Einsteins will take you and your children’s minds and corrupt them until you’re a mindless zombie. Then they will use you to take over the world! The Little Einsteins were last sighted in Denver, Colorado trying to make zombies at the local preschool.
Who doesn’t like a little girl with a cute little monkey? We don’t! Although Dora the Explorer may seem like a sweet girl just trying to help people on her show, we know she’s hiding behind a mask! As soon as her show stops filming she does horrendous things. She purloins, murders, and kicks old ladies in the shins! Her monkey, Boots, is her partner in crime. He lures children to Dora with promises of toys, candy, and trips to Magic Land. Those children never come back home! Dora and Boots were last sighted in Tallahassee, Florida after the brutal murder of Little Timmy’s goldfish.
Even I, as specially trained agent, am terrified of Pooh Bear! Pooh Bear does not steal or kick old ladies in the shins. All he does is murder! Last week, he picked up a little girl’s toy poodle and ripped its legs off. The little girl was then shot, but she was one of the lucky few who actually walked out alive! When the police tried to track Pooh Bear down, he shot them and laughed mercilessly! Pooh Bear was last sighted in Toronto, Canada trying to round up a new gang.
I hate to admit this, but I watched Barney as a small child! I’m one of the only children who didn’t become corrupted and commit heinous crimes! Barney loves to make kids believe and trust in him completely so he can then convince them to commit any crime he’s too scared or lazy to do himself. He also kidnaps children to be his personal slaves which means they have to tell Barney how great he is all day and if they disobey something horrendous happens! They’re forced to listen to Beatle’s music for twenty-four hours straight! Isn’t it the most atrocious thing you’ve ever heard of? Barney was last spotted in a suburb of Boston kidnapping numerous unsuspecting children. They went willingly because to them he’s still Barney, the lovable purple dinosaur.
If you see one of these criminals please call the C.C.A.S at 1-800-678-ohmygoshijustsawaevilchildrenscartooncharacter for immediate action against the cartoon character. A few good cartoon characters have joined our ranks like Eeyore and all of the classic Disney characters. We encourage you to have your children watch only Disney and Nickelodeon after twelve’ o’clock in the afternoon so they won’t be exposed to any of those the characters mentioned in the 2nd thorough 5th paragraphs. We wish you luck out there!