Crushcrushcrush the same word repeats itself over and over in my head. I sigh and punch the top of my bunk with my right hand. Ouch. I shake my fist. Clenching and watching it turn a pale purple. Why did this have to happen to me? Did I do something to deserve this? How could I think he actually liked me? I'm such a jerk.
"Josh, hey are you okay?" Haley yells to the back of the bus. I guess she heard that punch. I rub my head. Maybe I am okay? Maybe its just a faze. Damn. I pull on the hem of my shirt fidgeting.
Of course I'm not okay I've been spending most of the last two weeks in this stuffy bunk. Only leaving for shows, showers and food. Other than that this is home. I hear a shuffle as she makes her way to the back of the bus.
"Josh?" She pulls the curtain over and looks at me with concern. Taping on the side of my bunk. I guess she was waiting for a response that I didn't want to answer.
"I'm fine Haley... just tired." I turn my back to her hoping to end this conversation. I pray shuffling my feet and shaking my hair in face.
"Really Josh, come on lets talk.. I'm the only one here. Let's talk were best friends you can tell me anything.You know that." Obliviously she wasn't going to take no for a answer. If she noticed that something was wrong she would be the first person to ask and try to solve the problem. Thats just the way she is. And I knew today wasn't going to be any different. I know she won't judge me for what I'm going to tell her. But that still doesn't make me want to tell her.
I turn and face her again. She smiles and backs up to give me room to get out of the bunk. I hop down and we make our way to the couch. As we sit I stare at the tv not knowing what I'm actually watching. I just didn't want to face her.
"Alright, Spill." She grins I can see it from the corner of my eye. I knew I could trust her. I just needed a backbone. Where the hell is the Oz when you need him? I sighed.
"Well...I....and..uh ...We.." I stopped this not the way I had hoped this would go. It was easier when I came out to her. She claimed it was obvious and that she thought it was going to be great having a a gay friend. But this is just really hard to say.
"Josh, breathe it can't be that bad." She starts rubbing my back. I feel tears in the corner of my eyes. I'm way too emotional for my own good.
I take her advice. I take a deep breath in and exhale the slowest I've ever done. Which made me feel a little better.
"I kissed Jeremy and he kissed back and now I know he hates me because he just walked away and left afterward saying "I Can't."" I say in one breath. I look down not knowing what to do next.
Yep, thats sums it up. Maybe not. She didn't need to know it was a full blown make out session with touching involved. "Oh yeah and I'm in love with him" Okay now its summed up.
"Wow ..um.." I'm not sure but this is bad Haley never speechless. Never.
"Yeah..." I throw my head back onto the couch. Somehow I knew it would be like this.
"No, wow as in you think jeremy hates you." She says and stands up. Wait did I miss something? I stand up beside her hoping she would add on to what she was saying. She takes out her phone and dials a number. I couldn't take this anymore I needed for her to explain herself.
"What?" My mouth was going dry. It was the only thing I could say at the moment. Does she know something I don't? She taps her foot hoping to get someone on the other line on the phone. Someone picks up.
"Haley, Whats going on?" I say frustrated. She takes her heaad away from the phone.
"He thinks you... you know what stay here." Haley runs off the bus in a rush.I only hear "where are you?" as she gets to the last step.I wonder what she's up to. But more importantly what does Jeremy actually think of me. I start pacing around the room having fantasies, that I knew weren't coming true anytime soon.
My thoughts were interrupted by Zac, Taylor, and Haley dragging Jeremy on the bus. Which he wasn't to happy about. And I wasn't either for that matter. They finally get him up the stairs and Zac yells "Don't come out until you two talk" and slams the door. Great, now they're probably gossiping about us right now. I should have been more persistent about her leaving me alone...
crushcrushcrush not again my heart can't take this.
Jeremy slowly turns around with a fake smile of his face. His smile is amazing fake or not. I gulp down what I think is my heart pounding in my throat. We stare at each other until I look away. I haven't been in the same room with him alone for days. I couldn't even tell you how awkward that was.
"Sorry" we say in unison. Why did he say sorry? I came on to him. He shouldn't blame himself for it. He looks so awkward standing there. I sighed. Come on Josh get a backbone its now or never. I shake my hair out of my eyes and put on my fake smile to match his.
"I don't want you to hate me Jeremy so we can act that night never happened." I say standing on the sides of my shoes. Even though it was the best kiss of my life. I just want his friendship and thats all I need. He looks at me in shock.
"I don't hate you Josh .. actually I think I'm in love with you... I was scared I never had feelings for a guy before. I'm sorry for treating like you didn't mean anything to me. Because josh your really mean a lot." he looks down. I see him blush. I smile wide. The first real smile I've had in awhile.
"Really because I've been in love with you this whole time..and its okay I hard hard time to realizing I liked guys." YES! I think I got my backbone back. He smiles and walks over to me.
"So it would be okay if I kissed you?" I walk closer to him. I just nod and I can't muster a word right now.
He slowly leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. He tasted like a freeze pop one of his favorite things to eat at warped. I smiled against his lips. We parted and I said that word that I knew wouldn't be floating in my head anymore. With my forehead against his I whispered.
"crushcrushcrush"
♥ ♥
