Natalie slipped into the apartment quietly. The door was never locked. She had told him countless times that it was not safe, but tonight she was glad that her words of guidance hadn’t been headed. If the door had been locked, she was not sure what she would have done.
The floor creaked under her weight as she carefully walked through the darkness of the rooms she knew so very well. It was with ease that she found the bedroom, but once her destination was reached, Natalie no longer knew what to do with herself.
The sound of Michael’s soft snoring filled her ears – but the room in front of her was silent save for the ruffling of the blinds in the light wind the open window let in. Natalie felt herself shiver in the doorway. Not from the cold, she knew, but from the force that had driven her from her bed at two in the morning and straight to the man she had told herself she would never see again.
Lately, Natalie had been doing a lot of things she’d told herself she’d never do.
A painful sigh escaped her lips – a gasp for breath, a ruffle of movement somewhere in the distance. Suddenly he was there, staring at her wordlessly with those eyes that had always been able to see right through her and her pretences.
He simply stood there, gazing at the trail of tears raining from her red eyes. He watched her shiver, her shoulders shaking with a small sob. He listened to her occasional gasp for breath, her swollen nostrils sucking in, receiving more mucus than air.
They each simply stood, staring at each other.
For a moment, Natalie could almost see Michael in front of her. The ghost image made her squeeze her eyes shut. He was not there; she had left him snoring in their bed – in his bed. It had not been their bed for quite a while now. Perhaps that was why it had been so easy to –
To what?
Natalie pulled at the ends of her hair. She didn’t know what she was doing here, with him; she didn’t know how she had gotten herself into such a mess – become such a mess; she didn’t even know what her mind was trying to reason out of the situation.
Two weeks ago she may not have been any less of the mess she was today, but at least she had been sure of herself: she could not leave Michael. Now she was sure of nothing.
As Natalie opened her eyes she could immediately read the question laced on the features of the man in front of her. She could see nothing else. Yet, she did not know the answer.
Had she left Michael?
She knew that if she hadn’t she wouldn’t be standing in this room. But, if she had, would these tears of guilt be rolling down her soft face?
The questions spun around in Natalie’s mind until she could no longer tell them apart in the blur. She could answer them no more than she could leave. The only thing Natalie knew at this moment was that she wanted to be held – needed to be held.
Michael did not hold her.
