Things I am not allowed to do anymore-
To police.......
1. When I am driving, and I see a cop, I am not allowed to put in my Dr. Dre CD, and blast the part of "Forgot about Dre", when he says, "Motherfuck the po-lice." and smile sweetly at said po-po.
2. Nor am I allowed to blow raspberries at cops, blow kisses, flick them off, or make sexy faces at them, as I drive by.
3. When I am pulled over by a policeman, I am not allowed to question their "athoriti", flirt with them, offer bribes, sexual favors, mispronounce their names on purpose, giggle at everything they say, scoff at them if and when I am read my rights, or mumble, "To serve and protect, my ass."
4. I also will no longer recite random lines from "SuperTroopers' to them, ask them if they are familiar with the movie, insist they are a character from the movie, or substitute 'meow' for the word now.
5. It is innapropriate to try and fart, vomit, burp, or make other bodily noises or functions occur to annoy them.
6. I will not bet the cop I can grab his gun before he finishes writing the ticket, nor will I beg him to give me a full cavity search, or ask him if he'll let me off with a warning like the last cop, if I blow on his breathlyzer, while wiggling my eyebrows suggestively.
At Walmart....
7. I am not allowed to set trip wires that will cause all the bouncy balls to come tumbling onto an unsuspecting person, no matter how funny it is.
8. I am not allowed to carry tubes of Vagisil, boxes of condoms, and tampons, and bottles of lubes, or pregnancy tests, and place them in random carts.
9. I am not allowed to move the cart of a person who is busy looking at a shelf, trying to locate a particular item.
10. I am not allowed to go up to male employees, and demand to see their nuts, no matter how funny their reaction may be.
11. I am not allowed to take naps in, on, or around the display furniture, and freak out on the person that tries to wake me up, in an effort try and make them wet their pants.
12.I am not allowed to change all the radios in both the electronics department, and the automotive department to polka stations, crank the volume, and turn them off.
13. I am not allowed to collect pillows, and blankets, and have a sleepover on any empty shelves I may find.
14. I am not allowed to lob balls over the aisles, playing catch with my imaginary friend.
15. I am not allowed to walk around the store, arguing with myself about blowing up Walmart because it's evil, and stole my sister.
16. I am not allowed to go up to a random employee, and shout, "Code Black!", just to find out what would happen.
17. I am not allowed to purchase a candy bar, and return it half eaten, saying "It just isn't fresh enough."
18. I am not allowed to switch the shelf prices of items to cause confusion at the cash register.
19. I am not allowed to run about furtively, humming the Mission Impossible theme.
20. I am not allowed to place a pack of 25 cent gum, on lay-a-way.
21. I am not allowed to set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minutes intervals.
22. I am not allowed to ride around in one of those motorized carts, and hold a tube of wrapping paper, claiming to be the "Black Knight", and charge people shouting, "For Camelot!!!"
23. I am not allowed to run through the shoe department, and throw all the shoes onto the floor.
24. I will not fill my cart with flame accelerant, and matches, and drive the cart around the store, humming happily.
25. I will not walk at a snails pace in front of people, especially when the store is extremely busy.
26. I will not put lingerie on the outside of my clothes and walk around the store.
27. I will also not fill my cart with cucumbers, and other phallic shaped fruit or vegetables, and lube, and drive the cart around whistling, 'Oh happy day'
