"Baby, look here at me,
Have you ever seen me this way?
I've been fumbling for words
Through the tears and the hurt and the
Pain
I'm gonna lay it all out
On the line tonight
And I think that it's time
To tell this uphill fight goodbye
Have you ever loved someone
That just don't feel the same
Trying to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like trying to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I'm a winner at a losing game"
I quickly switched off the TV as I heard loud footsteps and soft talking approach the motor home. Peeking out the window ever so slightly, I saw the image that was so well burned into my head since that night on the beach, Mikaela and Denny standing close together - too close for my comfort.
Denny grinned at her, then mumbled something I couldn't comprehend.
She smiled back. "…Well, I guess I should go. Thanks again." She ran a hand through her hair, one of her nervous habits.
I love that voice and that smile; God, I'd give anything to be Denny right now and that's just pathetic, I thought. My mind went back to the other night and I remembered how, at that moment, it seemed to be the right thing to do.
She rolled away from me and almost right off the edge of the bed. "Go away, I don't want to be your friend anymore."
I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her back to me.
"You don't mean that," I smiled, laughing a little.
"Yes, I do," she pouted at me, sticking out her bottom lip and giving me her sad look that she knows I can't resist.
I rolled over, so that I was lying on top of her and smirked. "No, you don't."
"Yes, I do." She tried to push me off and instead, I pinned her hand to the pillow.
I smiled a little as I came closer to her lips. "No, you don't."
"Yes, yes, I do," she said as she tried to push me away once more. I pinned down her other hand and suddenly kissed her.
When she didn't protest, I deepened the kiss, running my tongue along her bottom lip. Then, she pushed me away.
"I should go." She made towards the doorway.
"Mikaela, I'm sorry."
"No, it's fine. I'll see you tomorrow night, okay?" And with that, she left me there.
"I know that baby, you tried
To find me somewhere inside of you
But you know you can't lie
Girl, you can't hide the truth
Sometimes two hearts
Just can't dance to the same beat
So I'll pack up my things
And I'll take what remains of me
Have you ever loved someone
That just don't feel the same?
Trying to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like trying to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I'm a winner at a losing game"
I thought she was into me. But how could I be that stupid? She'll never see me that way. I'm nothing but a supposed little brother to her. I shook my head to clear my thoughts. But another memory played out so vividly in my head.
That night on the beach at the bonfire. I thought I was going to spend the whole night with her; just the two of us. But she left within the first hour to sit with Hamlin. And there, on the other side of the fire, they sat for the rest of the evening - together- and every little thing he did was making her smile. It should have been me with her. Not Denny. Me.
So, I drank. I drank until I could look at her - at them - and not feel a thing - not love, or jealousy, or hate. I just drank until I felt numb enough. Until I thought I had filled the void in myself that she was creating. Until I could no longer hear the thoughts in my own head. I drank and the voices became silent. And it felt good, I reminded myself.
Outside, she spoke again. "I'd like that; I think that's a great idea actually." She was smiling now. This can't be good.
Whatever she was agreeing to, I didn't think it was a great idea. To me, it only meant more time she'd spend with Hamlin and less time she'd have to spend with me. I'm losing her, I just know it; I'm losing my best friend - to another guy. I felt my hands ball up into fists and I told myself to just breathe. I'm not losing her; I can't - I won't let it happen.
Breathe, Kyle, just breathe. She'll figure it out. She won't let you slip away, I told myself. She loves you; she said it herself. Just relax.
"I know that I'll never be the man that you need or love
Yeah, baby it's killing me to stand here and see
I'm not what you've been dreaming of"
But what I witnessed next only added fuel to the flame.
Denny turned to walk away.
"Wait..." she whispered, grabbing his arm and turning him back to face her. She pulled him closer to her then pressed her lips to his.
I looked away and shut the blinds; I just couldn't take it anymore. I was only torturing myself anyway.
Feeling the hot tears threatening to fall from my eyes, I turned around and headed for my bedroom, stripping down to my boxers, and crawled into the bed, refusing to cry myself to sleep. I'm never going to be with her now. Just give it up.
As I drifted off to sleep, I felt one tear slip and then another; and then, I just couldn't hold it in any longer.
"Have you ever loved someone
That just don't feel the same?
Trying to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like trying to catch the rain
And if love is really forever
I'm a winner at a losing game"
