Rawwwrr [Curtis Ward/Oli Sykes] 06I have a bunch of ideas!
All throughout the show, I saw the girls in the front row, reaching out to Oli, screaming his name. No one would scream for me. All the girls in the audience wanted Oli, and I had him. You'd think that this thought would make me happy, but it made my stomach sink. Their precious Oliver fucking Sykes was taken by a boy. They'd call us fags, what if they hated Oli? I couldn't do that to him. I remembered the pause, almost hesitance, when he'd accepted my courtship that morning. Was this really what he wanted? Was he as scared as I was at that moment? I skipped a note in the riff I was playing, but quickly got back on track.
My face must've been distraught, upset. But I would've figured people thought it was because of the heat, smell, and over-all guitar playing. I finished the show letting self-destructive thoughts swim through my head. The word 'fag' seemed to get it's two cents in pretty often.
The meet and greet was in the back of the building. You see, we weren't planning on doing one, but when we exited the building, fans were just there. So we decided to do one. All the attention was on Oli and Matt Nichols. Matt Kean, Lee, and I stood off to the side. I mean, of course we got the occasional fan who would come and ask us for signatures, or ask us questions. I assumed it was because there was a long wait for Oli's attention. I saw a blond girl walk up to Oli and hand him a CD to sign. He signed it and glanced over at me, flashing a smile. I waved to him by wiggling my fingers in his direction. Stupid move. The girl in front of him turned to her friend and said "He waved like a fag." Fag? That was it. I turned and just started running.
I had no idea why I'd ran, or where I was going. After a few minutes of running, I saw a small diner. Assuming it was still open, I entered and sat in a small booth. Rubbing the wetness off my face, I took a menu and began looking at it. After a few minutes, I ordered. I ordered a muffin and a pancake. Looking out the large side window, I saw Oli wandering up the road, looking confused. He was searching all over. I had the instinct to slouch in my seat and hide my face, but refused it. Oli saw me and stood there looking at me from the opposite side of the road. I kept staring at him. He stared back. We must've been like that for five minutes, and I saw sadness begin to creep into his features. He then pointed from himself and then to the diner. I pressed my lips together and glanced down momentarily. Then looking back up to him I nodded. He began to walk across the street.
"Here's your food sweetie," the waitress said. For the first time, I looked up at her. She must've been about forty and had short black hair that was covered my a hairnet. She was wearing your typical diner uniform and her name was Beth.
"Thank you Beth."
Oli entered the diner. Beth looked at him. "You're with him?"
"Yeah." Oli replied. He slowly, almost aprehnsively, walked over to me. Sitting in the booth, his eyes searched my face.
"So," I began, "you're wondering why I ran."
Oli shook his head. "I've got that one pretty much figured out."
I knit my brows together. "Then why are you looking at me like that?"
He bit his lipring. "I was worried. Are you okay? You've seemed out of it since your little..." he glanced at Beth, "episode."
I straightened up, my body suddenly stiffening, "Sorry," was all I said.
"Could you tell me why you ran at the word fag?" Oli asked in a suddenly tender voice. He'd only used this voice with me when I'd have a horribly infected ear lobe and he'd accidentally hurt it to the point of me letting out a horrible yelp.
I took my muffin and took a bite. I then began to butter my pancakes. "I was thinking during the concert. I'd feared exactly what she said." I began to cut my pancakes.
"What do you mean?"
I kept silent and began to pour syrup on the cakes.
"Curtis, you can't play the silent game."
I sighed. "Well, I was thinking as I was watching you tonight," I began, keeping my voice low. "All those girls in the audience, they love you. And for me to take you away from them. I mean, if they knew that that day you'd accepted the courtship of a boy, they'd call us fags, and I'm sure a good amount of girls would turn their backs on us. So I was thinking if this was a good idea--"
Oli cut me off by putting his finger to my lips. "Curtis, this is a great idea. Who cares if we lose a few female fans. That just means that they didn't really like our music."
"I was scared they'd know about us somehow. And when that girl called me a fag, my fear was realized." I took a few pieces of pancake and shoved them in my mouth.
Oli just watched me chew. He then pressed his lips together so his lips turned white. "Lee chewed them out." He mumbled after a minute of silence.
I cocked an eyebrow. "Why?" I said anger hinting at my voice. Oli, Lee, and me getting upset at the word fag? That wasn't suspicious at all!
He shifted uneasily in his seat. "It suddenly upset Lee. Did you tell him about us?"
I nodded. "He was the first one who know what I thought of you." I said shyly.
Oli's face hinted at embarressment. "I mean, did you tell him about us now?"
"Oh." He said, looking down.
All of a sudden, I just spit out angry words. "Why do you look embarressed? Is this something horrible. It's been a fucking day! If you're embaressed over a day, what about a week, a month, a year?" I set down my fork loudly. "Do you want this Oli? Are you comfortable with this? I'd really like to know, because this is my heart you're talking about."
He seemed repelled by my angry word. He looked up at my through teary eyes. "I'm sorry Curtis," he said in a choked voice, "I love you. I just don't know what to do."
I saw Beth on her way over, but seeing Oli's eyes, she slowly backed away.
I couldn't tell you the guilt that sliced through me. I had an enormous conscience, but I felt absolutely dispicable about making Oli cry.
"I'm scared, okay Curtis?" Oli's face dropped into his hands and his body began to shake. I looked over at Beth and asked for the bill. She brought it instantly. Looking at it, I was surprised. In pink marker was It's on me, feel better, you two.
I meant to thank her, but she had already disappeared into the kitchen. I helped Oli to his feet and placed my arm around his shoulders as we walked. His arm snaked around my waist, and his head found me. "I'm sorry Oli." I said. I couldn't tell him how sorry I was in words.
"It's fine. Today's just been a roller coaster. I don't blameyou. I've been thinking how we're going to hide this from the band." Oli's voice hinted at regret for this thinking.
"I was thinking that too..."
Oli sniffled and looked up at me. "You were?"
We made it back to the bus in about fifteen minutes. All the fans were gone and I assumed the guys were on the bus. Me and Oli pulled apart before entering the bus. We weren't going to tell the guys right away, afterall.
Matt Nicholls was in the front of the bus. He looked exhausted. Lee and Matt Kean must've been sleeping. "Where were you?" He asked in a monotone voice.
"A diner." Oli replied, trying to keep the upset tone out of his voice.
Matt caught it anyway and his eyes travelled to Oli's face. His eyes flickered between our faces and then back to the TV he was watching. "Fair enough." He mumbled.
Oli and I quietly walked to the back of the bus. Oli was still sniffling. He sat next to me on the small loveseat we had, and put his head on my shoulder. I brought my hand up hesitantly, and slowly made a line from his temple down to his chin.
He groaned in apporoval. The Oli next to me was a totally different Oli that I'd seen last night, that I'd seenthat morning. This Oli accepted my feelings; accepted his own feelings and admitted it. I felt close to this one. I hoped this Oli never went away.
Curtis made a line with his fingertips, gently, from my temple to my chin. The warmth of his fingers was great and I invonluntarily groaned.Glancing up at Curtis, I saw him staring off into space, thinking intently. I couldn't tell you what he was thinking of, but I was curious. "What're you think about?" I asked.
He looked startled at first, but then offered a warm smile. "Nothing." He said.
I cocked an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"
He nodded, his smile dimming to a grin.
I'd never sat with someone where I was the one being held. And to tell you the truth, it felt good. When I'd hold a girl, I'd always feel as if I'd almost have to protect them. But now, I felt safe and warm in Curtis' arms, and it made me happier than ever.
"What time is it?" Curtis asked, absentmindedly.
"About 1 or something." I replied.
"I think I might shower."
I felt my stomach drop. "I was going to shower." I sat up, away from Curtis.
He got up and looked at me. "There's no limit on how many people can be in the shower." He extended his hand to me. I took it and followed him to the shower.
"But no funny business," I said in a joking tone.
"Just fun business," He replied, the smiling dripping of his voice.
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