I just want to say, before you read this that I have a confession… it makes me a hypocrite so please, please don’t hate me. Lately, well for a while now, I’ve been a binge-purger. I eat a big amount, some times, then I exercise it off like crazy or go weeks without eating anything.
Before some of you start saying, “Well how can you write this story then?! You’re a hypocrite and a liar! I hate you!” The reason I can still write this story is because now instead of researching for this, I understand it. I feel what Emilia feels, I’m going through nearly the same thing so I feel that I not only understand it better, but can actually put myself in her place.
I used to tell everyone that this is bad, and I’d like to say that it truly is and that nothing can make it good/healthy, but when you’re in the mind-set that you’re no good, that you’re ugly, fat, unwanted, you don’t notice the hunger pains or fatigue. Okay, the fatigue does still show, only because like I said I exercise tons which I can’t do for very long, used to be able to for two to three hours straight, because I get tired within the first few minutes. I know you guys may hate me, and yes I could have kept this to myself, but I started writing this story to prevent people from doing this to their body, to prevent people from wasting away and now that I’m getting close to doing such a thing, I just wish for some support.
Dear Diary,
158 pounds. Can you believe that?!
I’m ecstatic! (Even with my sister being in the hospital. Oh, and she’s stable, still in critical condition, but she’s stable and they say that she’ll live.)
Still won’t look my parents in the face, still avoiding my ex-best friends, still waiting for Jacob and Ryan to realize what scheming bitches Jen and Cecilla are… Yes, I might have had a Cynthia moment, well before when she was popular, now she’s uber nice and doesn’t talk crap behind peoples’ backs. Mostly because no one will talk to her or risk social suicide.
But… I’m concerned about Natalie.
She was out sick today, which meant that I had to sit with her boyfriend and his friends at lunch, one who was staring at my boobs the whole time(ew). I digress, Natalie was looking really sick yesterday, pale and her face was kind of hallowed out... I don’t know what to think dear Diary but it’s scaring me.
He kept saying, her boyfriend not Boob Dude, that she would be fine. Then he tried hooking me and Boob Dude up, his name turned out to be James, but of course I said no. Durh.
Only good thing that came out of today would be that I did end up with a date, with the Quarterback on the football team, no idea what the hell that means to be honest, who seemed nice enough, maybe too nice.
Oh, and towards the end of the day, well, I’ll just replay it instead of explaining it. :)
“Hey Emilia!” Cynthia walked in the bathroom right as I walked out of the stall. Thank God for her bad timing to, because if she’d come in ten seconds earlier, she would have heard me puking up my lunch, “Cynthia. Haven’t seen you since the mall.”
(Okay I know how bitchy that sounds but she’s made fun of me since I was the chubby kid in Kindergarden, I think now would be a good time to get back at her.)
The nice façade faded and she turned to me with her lip cocked, as if she were ready to growl and attack me.
“Look you stupid little bitch,” I gasped, no one had said that kind of thing to me, not even jokingly. Ever. “You may have stole my best friend and my place on the popularity ladder, but as soon as everyone sees that you’re just the same chubby, wait, scratch that, fat girl from grade school, you’ll be back with those losers you call friends. But I guess even they are better then you. Cecilla has five more sizes until she’s as big as you.”
I’m not sure what came over me, but suddenly, I was ready to fight back instead of the play the innocent girl that I truly was. I backed her into the sink and her eyes went wide as I narrowed my eyes, “If you want to talk about a fat bitch, look in the mirror! And yeah, maybe I am fat, but at least I have boobs, big ones that your ex just might be groping at the movies on Saturday so fuck off you skank!” I turned to walk away but remembered one last thing, “And Natalie was never your best friend, she’s always hated you, she just put up with you so you wouldn’t talk shit about her.”
The door was open, my hand on the large knob before she had a comeback.
“Well I’m glad to know that her charity case has the guts to stand up to me. God knows that you envy her so much, you follow her around like a lost puppy dog!”
Not letting her words get to me, they did I just didn’t show it, I laughed it off and shut the door behind me, but once that door was shut, I was reminded what it was like to feel insecure, to feel like everyone’s laughing at you behind your back.
Did everyone feel this way about me?, besides Jen and Cecilla I mean.
“Emilia?” I turned around, ready to give Cynthia a shiner but was caught off guard when I saw Jacob instead, “Woah, that is you... you, um, you seem different.”
A smirk floated on to my face as I watched his eyes run up and down my body, as much as I hated my body, it was funny to me that he, and Cynthia’s ex the Quarterback, seemed to like it.
“Thanks I guess. You know, a picture would last longer.”
Jacob’s face flushed bright red as he tried to look me in the eyes and I found my own face heating up a bit in response. According to him, he liked me when I was fat, and he liked me now, I didn’t understand why but it was making me feel light headed.
“Woah!” Jacob held me up as I blinked my eyes open, surprised that suddenly I was looking up at the ceiling and, my heart started beating astonishingly fast, being held in Jacob’s arms. Very close to his chest. “Are you okay Em?”
Even as I nodded, I felt more light headed and closed my eyes to attempt to steady myself, “Em?”
I opened my eyes as stared up at him, wondering if people were seeing what I was seeing. His whole being seemed to be glowing and the worry on his face seemed... seemed... like the lead in romantic movie. Except I’d play the lead girl’s best friend because love doesn’t happen for fat people, not this fat person.
Yet, not seconds later, he was kissing me like I was the lead. I was being held in his arms, our bodies pressed together, and I was kissing an awesome guy. The only guy who’d ever liked me no matter what. But something was wrong.
I pulled away, even though my mind told me not to and that I was insane if I didn’t try to screw him in the girls’ bathroom, “N-No. Please, Jacob…”
My words didn’t sound convincing, not even to me, but he let go, smiling bigger then I’d seen him smile since forever. “Sure. Do you want to do something later? Maybe we could come over and-“
We?
“We?” He meant Jen, Cece, and Ryan, “Sorry, I’m going to the gym later.” Apparentally he wasn’t going to give up, not even as I walked away, “This weekend?”
“Date. Saturday. Sorry.” I chanced a glance at Jacob to see him looking in pain, like he’d received a punch to the gut, “Jacob...” The bell rang for the halls to flood with rude, shoving kids and I was quickly, happily and yet achingly, shoved down away from Jacob, towards the buses. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
I wasn’t supposed to have a date with Quarterback, a.k.a. Cynthia’s exboyfriend. I wasn’t supposed to fall for a guy when he was obvious a leader and I was just a ‘lost puppy dog’, not worth any guy, well, until I was about... 30 pounds lighter. This kinda of... stuff didn’t happen to me... it happened to Jen, Cynthia, Cecilla, Natalie, girls worth having, girls worth wanting, not me. No one ever heard of a fat princess living happily ever after.
Dear Diary, Cinderella’s fat step-sister couldn’t fit her foot in the glass slipper and she didn’t get to live happily ever after...
Emilia Livingston
