One of Those Days (A Crazy Akatsuki Reader-Insert Adventure) Part 2

The longest most painful one-shot I have written to date and over a year old. Still, it’s good for a laugh. Warning: Major, intentional OOCness, bad language, and sexual innuendos.

Created by rockinmuffin on Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Suddenly, the lights in the room flickered off, shrouding the entire room in darkness and gaining strange, yet somewhat comical, reactions from everyone in the room.

Deidara: “Aiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee, yeah!” o)/

Sasori: “…It’s dark.” o_o

Zetsu: “We don’t like the dark! …Yes we do. D:

Hidan: “It’s the end of the world! Repent, heathens! REPENT!” Dx

Kakuzu: “I could’ve sworn I paid the electric bill…” >.>

Kisame: “I want my mommy. And another cookie.” ;___;

Itachi: “…” -/_\-

You: “ZOMG!” O_o

Tobi: “Tobi’s a good boy!” ^o^

A dark, sinister chuckle echoed throughout the room and everyone relaxed. After all, when working for a criminal organization full of freaks, geeks, and idiots that can’t tell their heads from their asses, you tend to get used to such behavior from time to time. Besides, it wasn’t as if you couldn’t recognize who was laughing.

“I’m glad to see that you all have gathered here” spoke your leader; his glowing red eyes were the only part of him that you could see in the darkness. It was actually quite annoying how he had to do this every single time that he called a meeting. Why was everyone in this stupid organization so melodramatic? Next thing you know, Leader-sama will grow a handlebar mustache (if he doesn’t already have one) and he’ll be ordering you to tie the Jinchuuriki to some railroad tracks.

“Psst!” Deidara whispered in your ear. “What do you think Leader-sama wants, yeah?”

“Hopefully he’s just assigning us on new missions” you whispered back. “Then I’ll get some time away from all you sex-starved losers. I’m soooooooo glad that my partner is a girl…”

Yes, that’s right; you’re partners with the mysterious blue-haired female of the Akatsuki. However, despite the fact that you’re closer to her than the others, you know about as much about her as they do. The girl has some serious issues with trusting others; she doesn’t even trust you enough to tell you her name! All you know about her is that she has blue hair and a subscription to Vogue magazine.

“Well,” Leader-sama continued, “I’ve gathered you all here to alert you that today…” He stopped for a moment, allowing the dramatic effect to sink in. “You have the day off!” he exclaimed with a very uncharacteristic grin on his face.

You sweat-dropped. “…You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Nope! I’m very serious” stated Leader-sama with a deadly calm expression which immediately changed back to that of a carefree child as he ate a spoonful of chocolate ice cream from the ice cream carton that he had found in a nearby plot-hole. “Have fun, you crazy kids!” And with that, the leader disappeared with a poof of smoke and the lights flashed back on.

“Ahhhhhhh! My retina is bleeding, yeah!” Deidara screamed as he covered his only visible eye from the harmful rays coming from the fluorescent lighting. You just laughed at Deidara’s pain, then ordered Tobi to bring you a stick which you used to poke Deidara in his ribcage multiple times.

Itachi continued to loiter in his dark corner as he secretly watched you from a safe distance. He watched as you mercilessly stabbed Deidara in the ribs with your stick and a cruel smirk graced his delicate features.

You were so fierce, so brash and crude compared to most kunoichi. Too many times you allowed your anger to take control of you, causing one of your infamous violent outbursts that were, for the most part, directed at Deidara. You were immature and juvenile yet you knew when to be serious. You treated your victims with a strange combination of kindness and cruelty and treated your own comrades no better.

Perhaps that’s why Itachi liked you.

Well, in Itachi’s vocabulary, like was such a strong word to describe his feelings towards a person. Itachi had two categories he sorted people into; people he wanted dead and people whom he allowed to live. Luckily for you, you were sorted into the latter of the two lists.

“Hey Itachi-san! Still undressing _____-san with your eyes?” Kisame asked casually as he nonchalantly leaned against the bright pink Hello Kitty karaoke machine.

Itachi simply glared back at his shark-like companion.

“You know,” Kisame drawled, “I heard that _____-san asked Tobi-kun to be her boyfriend and now they’re going steady...” Itachi slowly turned towards his partner with a quirked eyebrow. “Looks like Zetsu-san will have to find himself a new boy toy” Kisame snickered to himself.

Itachi, on the other hand, was not amused.

The Uchiha sent an icy glare towards the masked Akatsuki wannabe. If looks could kill, (which, in Itachi’s case, they can kill if he wills it so) then Tobi would’ve died six times before his body even hit the ground.

Kisame smirked to himself as he noticed the Uchiha prodigy glaring daggers into Tobi’s back, most likely imagining different ways of brutally maiming the poor boy. It was amusing to see the normally calm and collective teenager showing any sort of emotion instead of his normal impassive glance. And all over a girl no less! Kisame would’ve laughed aloud if it weren’t for the bloodlust practically radiating off of Itachi’s form. Of course, even Kisame has his limits, and he couldn’t resist making a small, smartass comment.

Kisame’s large, shark-like grin widened, revealing a pair of sharp, glittering teeth. “Jealous?”

Itachi directed his glare back to Kisame, his eyes narrowing dangerously in a silent warning. When the glare failed to wipe that stupid grin off the shark’s face, Itachi sighed to himself as he folded his arms in front of his chest, directing his attention back towards you.

The two men stood in uncomfortable silence for several moments until Itachi looked at Kisame from the corners of his eyes, an almost inquisitive look shining in the Sharingan orbs. Itachi sighed to himself again, then turned fully towards his comrade.

“Kisame-san… How do I… How do I get _____-san to like me?”

Kisame blinked stupidly. Out of all the things he expected the Uchiha to say, asking him for love advice certainly wasn’t one of them. Kisame himself wasn’t very experienced when it came to dealing with women; despite his charming good looks and hot body, Kisame always got shy around the opposite sex.

Yup. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he looked like a giant, walking shark.

However, despite the smexy shark man’s lack of experience, he did his best to help his partner out with his lady problems.

“Well, with a girl like _____-san, it shouldn’t be too hard to catch her eye. She’s not too bright. I say you punch her in the ovaries until she agrees to go out with you.”

Itachi raised an eyebrow. “I want to seduce _____-san, not beat her into submission.”

Kisame sighed while scratching his cheek in thought. “Well, I guess you could always give her flowers and compliment the way she looks. And maybe you could stop threatening to ravish her…” Itachi slowly nodded his head in agreement, his mind already plotting ways to get you to fall for him. “And then, when she least expects it, BAM! Right in the baby-maker!”

Itachi’s eye lightly twitched. “Kisame-san, for the last time, I’m not going to punch her in the ovaries.”

Kisame pouted, but gave up on trying to get Itachi to punch you. “Your loss, Itachi-san. Your loss.”

You had finally ceased from poking Deidara in the ribs once his squeals of pain started giving you a small migraine.

“I’m bored” you sighed as you plopped yourself down on Deidara’s back, using his body as a makeshift couch. Tobi quickly plopped down next to you like the good little boy toy he was. Deidara groaned in pain at the extra weight, but you and Tobi, as always, ignored him.

“Tobi’s bored too. Tobi’s a good boy!”

You turned towards Tobi. “Erg, yeah… You’re a good boy, Tobi-kun” you muttered half-heartedly as you lightly patted him on the head.

Tobi bounced up and down excitedly on the makeshift Deidara couch. Deidara groaned his displeasure but was ignored. Nothing new. “Tobi gets pats! Tobi’s a good boy!”

“…Shut up, Tobi-kun.”

“B-but, Tobi’s a good b-”

“I SAID, SHUT THE HELL UP, TOBI!”

Tobi whimpered to himself, but made no other response in fear of invoking your mighty and all-powerful wrath. Good boy. Maybe he wasn’t as dumb as a doorknob after all. Maybe.

You turned around as you felt a light tap on your shoulder. There, standing before you in all his weasel-like glory, was Itachi. In his right hand were what appeared to be several freshly-picked daisies; clumps of dirt were still hanging from the flowers’ roots. In his left hand was a heart-shaped box of chocolates. How utterly cliché!

Not to mention just plain creepy, especially coming from Itachi of all people.

“_____-san…” Itachi muttered briefly as he offered the gifts towards you, his facial expression still as blank as ever. You just stared at the items, then gave the Uchiha a queer look. Itachi continued nonetheless. “Seeing as neither of us has anything better to do, would you like to accompany me for-”

“No.”

Deidara snickered to himself from his spot under you, the vibrations reverberating from deep within his chest causing you to lightly bounce up and down. (That sounded kinda dirty…) “Ooooooooooooh! Denied, yeah!”

Itachi’s response was a swift kick to Deidara’s bum.

And, as always, you laughed at the blonde’s pain.

Itachi, meanwhile, was less amused by the whole situation than you were. Itachi, with his ego temporarily bruised and feeling utterly depressed due to your rejection, though he refused to show it, silently sulked off towards the medicine cabinet to drown his sorrows in the pink, bubble-gum-flavored nectar of the gods known as Pepto Bismol.

Finding that your current source for entertainment was gone, you looked around the room to find something else to occupy your mind. Currently, Sasori was still playing with his dolls while Hidan, Kakuzu, and Kisame were in the middle of an intense game of cards. Unfortunately, when Kisame heard the term Go Fish he took it literally and ended up scooping out something from the conveniently close by aquarium.

That something being your prized pet goldfish you won from the carnival last week.

“Flippy! NOOOOOOOOOOO!” You immediately ran towards your fish, hoping to rescue him from his cruel fate, but it was too late. By the time you made it to him he had already stopped moving. “Flippy, why?!” Why must the good die young?!” you whimpered as you held Flippy’s body tightly against your chest.

Kakuzu sent you an annoyed glance. “It’s just a fish” he stated simply as he directed his attention back towards his cards. “It was a waste of money anyway.”

You glared at the back of Kakuzu’s head. “He was not just a fish!” you stated defiantly as you stomped your foot for emphasis. “He was my bestest best friend in the whole wide world and he was my only reason for living! He’s always been there for me, through thick and thin!”

“Didn’t you only have him for a week?” Hidan questioned with a smirk before asking Kakuzu if he had any threes. He didn’t, so everyone’s favorite panda-skeleton was forced to draw another card.

“Ah, yes, but what a week it was” you sighed dreamily as you thought back to all your past memories of Flippy. Winning him in the carnival game, taking him home and putting him in the tank, uh… feeding him…

Yup. Good times, good times.

“Ya know,” Hidan started, his features taking on a devious expression, “We can always revive your fish…” You instantly brightened up, urging Hidan to continue. “All we need is a human sacrifice…” he trailed off, his vision now directed towards Tobi.

You glared at the man. “What did I tell you about trying to sacrifice Tobi-kun in your satanic rituals?” you asked like an angry mother, crossing your arms and tapping your foot impatiently.

Hidan sighed, the look on his face resembling that of a scolded child. “Not to perform them in the house where I might make a mess on the carpet…” You continued to glare at him. “…And to stop trying to kill Tobi-kun.”

“That’s right.” You decided to toss Hidan a congratulatory cookie for remembering the rules, but he didn’t notice it coming. Instead, the crumbly chocolate-chip projectile hit him right in the eye. As Hidan was squealing on the floor like a pig in heat while you tried to hide the sadistic grin on your face, Kisame took it upon himself to finish the job and give the goldfish a proper burial by devouring Flippy’s remains. Yummy!

Just as you were about to pummel Kisame for his evil deed, you were interrupted by a knock on the front door. You quirked an eyebrow. “Since when does our top secret Akatsuki hideout have a front door?”

“You like? I got Home Depot to install it last night! AND IT’S RED!” shouted the leader excitedly before disappearing in a puff of smoke as quickly as he had appeared before you could catch a glimpse of his face.

“You know,” Sasori started, “Sometimes I question our leader’s intelligence… And his sanity.” You couldn’t help yourself from silently agreeing with him.

Because you had nothing better to do, not to mention the constant pounding on the front door was starting to give you a migraine, you did what any good little minion would do and answered the door. Nothing could have possibly prepared you for the sight you were met with.

There, standing before you, was none other than Orochimaru…

…Holding a giant bucket full of purple nail polish and a bag of Doritos.

It was times like these when you asked yourself what you had done to deserve this. Well, aside from the fact that you were a part of an evil, power-hungry cult… Erg, organization…

“I didn’t miss the party, did I?” he asked with wide chibi eyes. It was a sight that you hoped to never witness again. “I brought chips for when we get the munchies!” Orochimaru walked straight past you and into the Akatsuki hideout.

Your eyelids twitched, but you decided against saying anything and simply closed the front door before any more random villains could try to sneak their way in.

Kabuto, having missed his chance to get in through the door, stared at you through the window. You closed the blinds and decided to pretend that he wasn’t there.

“Hey guys! Whas’sup? Can I rejoin the Akatsuki?” Orochimaru asked with puppy-dog eyes as shoujo sparkles glittered all around him. (Aha! It appears that in Orochimaru’s never-ending quest to discover new ninja techniques he has learned “sparkle no jutsu.”)

The noise in the living room came to an immediate halt as everyone stared at Orochimaru.

Sasori gave him a bored look. “You left the organization of your own accord.”

Itachi seemed to appear out of nowhere just to glare at Orochimaru. A mysterious, pink, bubble gum-scented substance was around his mouth. “For the past three years you’ve been attempting to get into my foolish little brother’s pants…”

Deidara beamed. “I’m prettier than you! Yeah!”

At your command, Tobi kneed Deidara in the stomach, causing the pretty blonde to fall on his knees, clutching his stomach. “Tobi’s a good boy!”

Orochimaru pouted, then smirked as he formulated a plan. “I’ve got Doritos…” he drawled as he waved the bag of nacho cheese-flavored chips temptingly.

Sasori sighed. “If you think that a bag of cheap junk food that anyone could buy at a local convenience store is going to be enough to convince us to let you rejoin the Akatsuki then I’m afraid you’re sadly mistaken. Our leader would never-”

“YOU’RE IN!” screamed Leader-sama as he poofed into the room, grabbed the bag of chips, then poofed back to whatever dark corner he came from. You made a mental note to hide away all of the sugar-based products somewhere where Leader-sama couldn’t get them. Like your underwear drawer.

…No, wait… Leader-sama checked your underwear drawer on a regular basis…

Ahem. Moving on to topics that are slightly less disturbing, though not by much…

“Oh goody, goody gumdrops!” Orochimaru exclaimed with glee as he jumped up and down like an excited schoolgirl. “It’ll be just like the good ol’ days! We can paint each other’s nails and watch horror movies! I’LL GET THE POPCORN!” And with that, Orochimaru ran off into the kitchen.

“…Can we eat him?”

You sighed. “No Zetsu, you can’t eat him. Leader-sama is still upset about the last time you ate one of his… guests…”

Zetsu pouted. “We know, but… That prostitute was asking for it! The pout had almost immediately transformed into a glare.

Not liking Zetsu’s tone, you sprayed him in the face with some sort of weed killer. He released a high-pitched scream and fell on the floor, rolling around in pain. Tobi immediately came to his mentor’s aid, shaking the plant-man about until he stopped moving. “Tobi helped! Tobi helped!” the masked boy shouted excitedly as he stood up away from the currently-unconscious Zetsu. “Tobi’s a good boy!”

“SHUT UP, TOBI!” everyone (that wasn’t either unconscious or busy in the kitchen) shouted in unison. Tobi did as he was told, but silently told himself that he was a good boy for following directions.

“We cannot allow Orochimaru to stay here” Itachi stated calmly.

You sighed. “What’s the big deal? I mean, I realize that he’s abandoned the Akatsuki before and that he’s an all-around freak of nature, but what’s the worst he could do?”

As if to answer your question, an explosion sounded from the confines of the kitchen. You hoped that Orochimaru didn’t blow up anything too expensive; you knew the leader would somehow find a way to dock it from your pay. He’s evil like that.

Sasori sighed and headed towards the kitchen, you and Deidara following close behind. The rest of the Akatsuki members didn’t feel like dealing with Orochimaru, so they started painting each other’s nails instead.

…It was times like these when you questioned what had possessed you to join the Akatsuki in the first place.

As the kitchen door swung open, you were met with the sight of a half-dead Orochimaru and what appeared to be the charred, smoking remains of the once-beloved microwave. Super. That was the third time this week that someone blew up the microwave and it was only Tuesday!

Sasori’s eyes widened briefly at the sight but he quickly regained his cool demeanor. He closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose to fight off an oncoming migraine, despite the fact that he’s a puppet and therefore shouldn’t be able to feel pain. He just wanted to feel special. “Orochimaru-san…”

Orochimaru’s eyes swirled around dizzily. “…Yes?

“Did you put metal in the microwave?”

Orochimaru’s eyes shifted back and forth suspiciously. “No.” Sasori gave him a blank look. “…Maybe. …All right, yush, I did it! But you should’ve seen it! It was all pretty and it made funny noises and then it made little purple lightning bolts! But then it exploded in my pretty face so I set it on fire with this flamethrower that I most certainly didn’t find in Itachi-kun’s room!” Orochimaru rambled on as he pulled out a flamethrower that said Property of Uchiha Itachi on the side of it.

Sasori sighed tiredly then gestured towards you, indicating for you to do your thang. You grinned sadistically.

You snatched away the flamethrower from Orochimaru and smacked him on the head with it. “No! Bad Orochimaru-san, BAD! No using Itachi-san’s flamethrower in the hideout! It’s an outside toy!” you scolded. Orochimaru whimpered but nodded his head to show that he understood you.

You smiled, then turned towards Deidara and smacked him in the face with the flamethrower.

“Ow! What was that for, yeah?!”

“For being prettier than me” you explained calmly as if that was actually good enough incentive to randomly attack him. Deidara rubbed his sore cheek and mumbled obscenities under his breath but didn’t disagree with your statement. The smug, pretty bastard.

Sasori shook his head in annoyance and retreated back into the living room. Following his example, you promptly nudged Deidara and Orochimaru with the flamethrower and exited the kitchen. You grinned to yourself as Deidara and Orochimaru herded off into the living room and sat down on the floor like good little boys.

It was times like these when you didn’t mind being surrounded by a bunch of idiot men; it was just like having a bunch of puppies. …Except that puppies would probably be trained better and wouldn’t chew on the furniture nearly as much. You made a mental note to yourself to go out and buy Zetsu a wooden block to chew on.

You were so distracted by your own thoughts that you failed to notice the figure standing in front of you. So, for a second time that day, you bumped into the chest of Uchiha Itachi.

He stared down at you blankly, his Sharingan eyes trailing down from your face to your chest, then your arms, then your chest again. …And finally rested on the flamethrower in your arms. “That’s mine… You’ve been in my room.”

You gulped. “N-no, I wasn’t!” He gave you a skeptical glance. “Orochimaru-san did it! He grabbed it from your room when no one was looking and used it to burn up the remains of the microwave after it exploded cuz he put metal in the microwave and it made the pretty purple lighting and so I took it back from him and smacked him and Deidara-san in the face with it-”

“Strike three” he interrupted before snatching the flamethrower away from you. He glanced back at your chest once again before retreating to his room to return his weapon back in its rightful place under his pillow.

You shivered lightly; one could only imagine what horrible things Itachi had planned for you. However, you decided not to dwell on these thoughts and simply joined the rest of the Akatsuki on the living room floor.

Apparently, while you and Itachi had chatted, Kisame had been in the middle of telling a joke.

“-And so I says to the man, ‘that’s no hippo, that’s my wife!’”

“…”

Deidara pouted. “Kisame, that joke sucked, yeah.”

“Yeah, well, your mom sucks.”

“…My mom’s dead, yeah…”

“…”

And so, all of the occupants of the living room fell into an awkward silence that lasted about… five minutes.

Orochimaru was the one to break the silence. “OH-EM-GEE! Just look at the time! We almost missed the Miss Konoha Ninja Pageant!” Orochimaru declared as he looked down at his wrist, despite the fact that he wasn’t even wearing a watch. He then snatched the television remote, turned on the blinking idiot-box, and flopped down on his belly to observe the wonders of modern technology and the world’s shallowness and high standards of beauty.

“I hope Anko wins this year” Kabuto remarked as he sat down next to Orochimaru. “Last year she set the stage on fire and duct-taped the judges to the ceiling when she was declared Miss Congeniality.”

You turned to Kabuto. “How did you get in here?”

“I dug a tunnel from outside with a rusty spoon and it led me into your closet” he stated nonchalantly, keeping his eyes glued to the television. “By the way, you have really bad taste in clothing. I’ll have to take you out shopping some time in the future. Just because you live like a slob doesn’t mean that you have to dress like one.”

“…” You turned away from the silver-haired medic, massaging your temples. “I think I’m going to go lie down” you muttered as you moved to go back to your room. You suddenly stopped, remembering something. “Hey, Tobi-kun!”

Tobi’s head popped up. “Yes, _____-senpai?”

“You’re coming with me, Tobi. We’re gonna go have wild, passionate, monkey-sex in my room!” you stated loudly enough so everyone in the entire hideout could hear you, especially a little red-eyed weasel that had just returned from his own room.

Tobi simply nodded his head, jumped up from the floor, and followed you like a baby duckling. He even waddled his cute little behind for good measure. Just like a good boy!

The two of you finally reached your room and you opened the door, allowing Tobi to enter the room first. You quickly entered too and closed the door behind you, locking it to make sure that none of the other members would come and disturb you. The both of you sat on the bed next to each other and stared at the wall for five minutes in awkward silence.

“…Tobi-kun?”

“Yes, _____-senpai?”

“Do you even know what sex is?”

“…No, _____-senpai.”

“…”

And so, you prepared yourself for a very long-winded speech about the birds and the bees.

“We’re gonna need some ice cream…”


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