AllAroundBadGirl's profile

Latest Journal Entry

December 23, 2008

Honesty

I've always been honest in this journal, but I feel like complete honesty would make me feel better.

I've always used the journals on quizilla for venting purposes, as those of you who have stuck with me to this point know. I only write a journal when I have something on my mind or when giving a bulletin about my creations.

Well, right now, I need to vent for no particular reason.

I remember writing a journal last year, around this time, talking about how I'm not Christmas elf, and I do not exactly enjoy carolling. *chuckles* It made me feel nostalgic, for some reason. I started to think about how I feel now compared to how I felt then.

And the answer I came up with disturbed me. I feel...the same, but different, if that makes any sense.

Let me explain. Last year, pre-disaster (if you've read my journals, you'll know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. But if you don't, I hate a fight with one of my best friends, in which we didn't speak for three months. It strained our relationship, obviously.) I felt like things were pilling up. No way out. It's hard to explain, but I felt like my whole...I don't know the right word...I guess I'll just use heart.

If felt like my heart,my head....it was just filling with things I couldn't control anymore, like something was going to happen eventually, that something being inevitable.

Of course, then, I didn't exactly know what that meant. I just knew I wasn't happy where I was. With what was going on. With my life (no matter how depressing and pathetic thatsounds.) Now is different of course, because I know thewarning signs.And I finally began to realize something the other day, with four of my newer friends (except one whom I affectionately reffer to as "Haley Dear." lol. We've known each other since fourth grade, but haven't seen each other since. And I've known Catherine M since seventh or sixth, but she was a friend ofa friend...anyway...)

It's not me. It's never been me. It's who I surround myself with, and how I react to them. I think last year, I was unhappy and I felt like...like I was drowning (this is the best way to describe it) and just above me, there was a hand, and if you were drowning, would you care whose hand you were latching onto? Who pulled you out?

Some of you are probably reading this, wondering what medication I'm on, but seriously. I felt like I would never be happy again, and then I saw that there was a chance--a friend--and I didn't really care who that person was as long as I could talk to them and they'd talk back. And later, I thought that maybe I would have been better off drowning.

I'm probably not making anysense to you guys, and for that, I apologize. But I was with my friends the other day, and one says, "You're a lot less...don't take this the wrong way or anything...emo than you were when I first met you." This is my newest friend, Amy. I met her over the summer and our school orientation dance thing. "You seem happier."

And in a way, I am. But SHE has been sick from school for a while now. Two weeks. With a sinus infection. *gives you all a look that says, "yeah, I know..."* And in this sick, sick way, despite the fact that we have made up, I don't want her to come back, but again, I know it's inevitable. It's just that I'm happy now. And now I know that I have friends who will stand up for me if last year repeats itself (and I can tell, something will happen, and we will both snap. As they say, history repeats itself.)

Even Kat is different now. Not the Catherine I know now, but my K, from last year. She's way different. But different in a good way,I think. She's a stranger to me now, but it's better than last year, when I wished we had never met. Honestly, I accidentally called my friend Catherine "Cat" the other day, and it made me wince. I still miss my Katherine. Not this stranger Katherine. But this are eerily like they used to be. She's even calling me "S" again, and we're having routine Gossip Girl chats, like last year. Even though we're only communicating by text and e-mail.

And my relationships with Nick, Maggie, and Annie have changed too. I've always been close to all three of them, and now I see a way that maybe, just maybe, Nick and Annie can work things out and we can go back to being the Four of us.

And still, more things remain the same. I still like that guy I told you about last X Mas. Ha ha. We've barely spoken...how pathetic...admiration from afar. But I see room for improvement. ;)

Some things never change.

Happy Holidays, Loyal Readers,

Love,

AABG

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