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May 11, 2006

Yeah, my life...

I'm not even sure why I bother to write this crap, it's not like anyone care. I just sort of need to get this off my chest, for my own good. Sometimes I think people pretend to know me. They pretend that it's "all good" until one day they don't respect you anymore. It's like they don't really like who you are. I'm only trying to be myself and I hate the depression and I don't deal with it really well! I can't change who I am! And people shouldn't go on about me when I haven't even done a goddamn thing! Everyone have flaws! Everyone is different!

Man, now I feel guilty. I shouldn't feel guilty. But I do feel guilty.

Why?

Because I'm writing what I'm writing.

I feel guilty because I can't change who I am and be someone who'll help people in need. I WANT to help people, especially my friends, but I don't deal with it very well, I just wished they would understand. Never have and never will I deal with it very well. When I have a problem....I deal with it in my way, a way I guess people just don't understand. When I deal with things, I try to ignore it at first. I pretend they're not there. I guess you can say it's kind of grown into me. I'm used to ignore the fact that my mother do things to me I don't want to tell you, that I hate my father who haunts me in my dreams, that I wished I could just end my life at times, and that I haven't cried at daylight in over 7 years. I ignore things like that. Even now, when I'm writing it, I don't really believe it. It's a dream. A foggy, never-ending dream. I try to look at all the great things in my life. I have 3 things. My writing. My music. And my boyfriend. Without them, I would have ended my life a long time ago. They're my three rocks. My cliffs. My home.

I hate depression.

Yet, I write about it now. And NO, I DON'T want your sympathy, understanding or concern. I just want to write it, so please respect me for acting the way I do! Last night I came to realize that most of the people I know, know nothing of me. You don't know why I say what I say. You don't know why I joke and laugh when there's nothing funny about it. All you know is that I seem to hurt people.

I am NOT writing this because of that one particularly thing that happened last night, I'm writing this because I feel like I have to. I don't want anyone to feel offended by what I write in any means. I write this almost only for myself.

Wow, I spend so much time thinking of what to say so that I don't hurt anyone, that I end up hurting them, so, I'm back where I started. it's like an evil circle. I think more of others than I think of me. I guess you can say that it's a good thing. I don't. Sometimes you HAVE to think about yourself, which I rarely do. I wish I could care more about myself than I do. But no matter what I say, it always seems to hurt someone. Even now, I think some people will feel upset and perhaps hurt by what I write. It's sad, and I wish I could change that, but I can't. Believe me, I've tried.

I can't remember where, but I remember a man once said that we should never change who we are. Is that true? Should we never change? What if you don't like the person staring back at your reflection? What if you feel like the person you are always manages to hurt someone?

Smile.

Just smile. Whenever you smile, everything will just magically fix itself. That's what they say, right? Just look at that Coke commercial. Maybe that's why some people hide behind their smiles.

I don't think life is fair, do you? No of course life's not fair. What did you expect, your life being placed in front of you on a silver platter? But there's only so much a human can take. Oh yes, but there's no reason to be depressive or suicidal because life's not fair; we all know that. Bull SHIT! People like me don't really deserve to be depressive! I feel so guilty and filthy and selfish! I should care more about the people around me than myself! And what about all the people dying of diseases or hunger? THEY really do have a good reason to be depressed; I should be dancing of joy compared to them! Why am I so selfish! I should just die! I should just disappear!

I guess I'm not really good at expressing myself. You probably don't have any idea of what I'm talking about but one thing's for sure: I'm too selfish. I only think about myself. I should crawl into a dark pit and die and make sure no one remember me because people don't deserve having my name printed into their brains, they're too good. I'm intoxicating.

God, I make myself sick! Why do I write such horrible stuff about me? I'm not a great person, so what? I............................I play guitar. Yeah, that's what I do. I play the guitar. I should be happy.

I am.............happy.

I really am happy.

Really..........

Just........forget that I ever wrote anything. You don't have to leave a comment; I'd rather not. I seriously need to stop myself from writing anything more. Stop, now. NOW. Stop!

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