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October 7, 2007

Poor Richard's Almanac... OF PAIN

Today was the end of the first semester of JUNIOR YEAR! Yes, that's right, I'm a junior and proud of it. Lemme go over the accomplishments of my first 2 years of school before we get down to buizznez. I smoked 3,497,485 ounces of pot, I choked on 10 pretzels and almost died 11 times, I BECAME HEAD CHEERLEADER!!!! Lyke Oemgeez. And I didn't studii, but instead got by on my dad's mooollllaa. Now, back to the point. Today...My dearest friend and almost-brother, Richard Cheney, shot someone. It was in gym class riflery, and Rich thought his budeei was a "deer" and he shot him. Woe is me. His friend's OK, but in the hospitle. Everybody's talking about the 'accident.' They all believe Rich, but being his BFF, I KNOW THE REAL STORY: His friend was totally hitting on Tony Danza, Rich's current lover and beau, and when Rich saw this he went all crazy-like and KABAMMM! I cried so hard when I found out that I, once again, Smooeered my mascara!!! When Laura saw the distraught me she panicked and called Phil McGraw, an undergrad in psychology (he's been here FOREVER), to check me out. Then he totally hit on me and I was like !? and i had some tingly sensations, but I remembered what my father said: "GOD IS ALWAYS WATCHING GOOD AMERICANS." So I totally went and made babiez with Laura and then bought her a pant suit.

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