ColdHeartedTomboy's Journal

I can't seem to get off the roller coaster of mood swings. Going to extremely high to low and then taking a 180 degree turn is just exhausting me. I have a crush on someone, and then I think"what in heavens name was I thinking??" Then I go back and start the love cycle again.
There will always be people that I will adore and love forever. But there are also those whom I have hurt in the past; and I can't help but want to be in love withthem again. I know not if it's because I just want to love and be loved (duh, almost everyone does) or if I just want more security.
I can't seem to find confidence in anything I do. I become reclusive, even shying away from things I used to enjoy doing-things I used to be good at. It might just be that I'm afraid of being shown up or beaten(which is totally vain-not to mention silly) But I can't seem to shake the roller coaster of just loving everyone./??????

Over the past few months, I have been pushing people away. I know that everyone will do this, and some have good reason, and some just do it unintentionally. Personally, I'm doing it on purpose. I can't explain why, nor can I give any excuse or justification for it. I just push them away, farther and farther. They try to break throught this ice wall that I'm creating, and I will tell them that I want to help them, but that's a lie. I build the wall up, higher and higher, and I will break it down when I feel like it. I'm not trying ot be selfish or "stuck-up," I'm just trying not to hurt anyone. Perhaps pushing them away is hurting them too, but they have now found excuses not to try to "help" me. I'm not being self-sympathetic, and I'm not self-loathing.(that's not denial, that's the truth) I guess that it's about trust.There are a lot of things about me that I've kept away, hidden and secret. For starters, I was/am(I don't know anymore) a hypochondriac.(person who fakes illness or injury for attention). I may still do it, to be frank, I just don't know? I have seen more meth labs, crack whores and fights then I would wish on anyone. I have been sexually abused and hurt more than even I know. I've also come to realize that when I say these things, there is a lot of "I" and lot of complaining. I don't mean to complain, because I've learned that I have too many blessings to count and that there are worse things that I could have encountered. In all of these revelations and frank writings, I know now that I simply don't trust anyone, most of all myself. These are probably common afflictions and I know that I am not the only one "suffering", I am pushing people away because I don't trust. It's not about secrets(at this point,I could'nt care less), I don't even think that it's about lies(that's human nature-I've gotten used to it). I think it's about not trusting in general. I am afraid of getting hurt, and as much as I hate to admit that I'm scared, that's the truth.