CrazygurlNajah's profile

Latest Journal Entry

December 27, 2008

I just want my heart back.

I'm just trying to get into the new year a happy person. Those of you that've been keeping up with my life lately, you know I've had the biggest crush on this guy named Nick. It's been a one-sided thing for about a year now. For the longest I've been waiting, hoping he'd change his mind and see my for who I am...a girl that can really make him happy, who is more than just long hair and a huge butt, who's not as shallow and secure as she lets on. Since then, I've been pouring my heart out to him, chasing him, protecting him from anything and anyone, and over all looking like a complete asshole. He appreciates it, as my friend. Not as anything more...I wish he'd realize...I don'treally want a relationship with him...I just want him to realize my feelings and be just a little more sensetive to them. I don't want him to make me the biggest priority in his life, but damn, don't shut me out, either!
Before, I thought if I tried to get over him, all my efforts will be put to waste. That entire year, crushing on him will be all for nothing. Everytime I see his face, I want to cry, but I'm happy at the same time. I'm not even gonna say, "Oh, there's hope! People SAY he said he likes me", I'm not relying on what other people say anymore. He's too scared to tell me the truth himself, so...it's whatever. I'm over it. Not exactly over him, but over with waiting on something that might turn into nothing....It'd be better for both of us.
I don't wanna hang out with my friends feeling all sad while everyone else is having fun. I don't wanna feel ugly because he doesn't want me. I don't wanna be all into someone who's not into me! It makes no sense and it's a waste of my time. I think I deserve someone who'll tell me what's on his mind all the time, and not beat around the freakin' bush and act all retarded when I don't know what the hell is going on. I speak my mind, dammit! If you can't handle that, get the hell outta my face and don't even try! I like Nick alot! His personality is to die for, he's just...he's just a little too levelheaded for me. I need a guy that can be reckless, but at the same time take care of me. He's not it. He's turning into someone he's not, at that....atleast...he's turning into someone I don't know anymore...
One of these days he's gonna listen to me. I'm gonna tell him how crazy it's getting. I don't want to like him anymore, I want my heart back. I wanna tell him I'm someone he doesn't have to hide from. He doesn't trust me, and it bugs the living hell outta me...but it's okay. One day, all this will come out in the open. It could be next week, whenever I call him, next month, or next year! I don't care when, as long as I tell him someday.

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