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June 23, 2007

Craking around the edges today

Don't you hate the days, when you have a good day. Its in fact all going  good. But you just want to cry, you want to sit and cry your heart out for no reason. Well for the reason that it all seems so hard, and some of those things that you have pushed to the back of your head are trying to creep back out. and u don't want to look at them let alone deal with it.
I hate those days, those hours, every min  of it. But what are you going to do. I have so many big pink eliphents in my house right now that i want to pull my hair out. So of course i paly the pink eliphent game and pretend that there is nothing, that all is in the norm. When I standing, almost clapsing, and caring on. In fact not just carrying my self, but others. my friends and sisters. I want to scream. I want to go some where dead quite and scream, scream so loud. As loud as i can, and make everything around me go on edge. Let everything around me feel how on the edge i am.
I'm strong. or at least i try. I have to be. I've learned to be strong thorough life. If you arn't going to die, well then you have to live and find a way through. A way to hold all the shit inside and not let any one see it. Not until later. When you can talk to that one person.
Now see this is where it gets hard for me. there is no way in hell i would talk to my dad, he doesn't listen, he trys but i think he just doesn't know what to do or how to deal with me. ok fine, but my sis doesn't care, she just wants to tell me her probs. Then there's my mom, who if you try to talk to she goes on about something about her, and how hard it was for her. and i'll sit for a half hour or hour, listing to her go on about it. I can't stand it, she goes in circle. I have tried so many times to find someone to talk to but its hard. there are only so many things my best friend/sis can help with, some of my probs are her probs first, and i got tangled up in it. and she has to deal with her own shit, not mine, thats where i have to be strong. my other friends won't get it. not that they don't care, or won't feel sorry for me, but for the reason that they haven't been there, so they just can' t understand. My best friends mom use to be there for me sometimes, but since the mom moved and married then deviorced, she went, well a bit weird, different, highly. and i can't talk to her any more. then there is the counselor at school. I like her, and talk to her when in Scholl, but i'm not in school, and this being my last year, i won't have her to talk to any more.
but fuck man, i can't, i don't know, deal, handle it. Something. But every time i say that i end up getting through, living.
what a hard thing, living. We kill our selfs, others want to kill us, people we don't even know, cars kill us, so many many things kill us, we die very easily. but look at how many of us there are.
In both of my big hang ups at the moment, I feel at least a little like, i should have known, i should have done something, these are some of the closest people in my life, and i should be doing something, i should have seen, and i didn't. And i blame my slef, because there dead or hurting, and i can't do anything. But i'm mad at my slef. because after a while i'll get selfish, and forget those feelings, buecause i put my slef numb. to replace that anguish i feel for them i use selfishness. and it works for a while. but not for ever. and i have to find a way to help my self. have my good cry. but then what
what do i do after crying. My dead friend can't forgive me, i have to forgive my slef, and i can't. because i miss her. I loved her so much, but in the end so many things happened at once. and then before i knew it i found out she was in the er, the dr fiting for her life. while she was fighting to lose it. and all i can think is what i should of or could of done and didn't. and i want to go back and do something. because i still want her here. but drop dead gorges friend is gone, in the ground, eatin away. and i did nothing to see or help. and i miss her. and i still love her. and i can't help but cry or go numb when seeing a pic of her. i wish i could just talk to her. one more time. now, and tell her i miss her. that we all do. that we didn't want her to go. if we would have known how bad she had felt i would have done something for her. anything to keep her alive. to show her how good life can be. to wait and see what there was still to come. but i can't there is nothing that will bring her back. nothing. and i wish there was. i wish i could talk to her. because i want to know that she blame me at all, that she counted me still as one of her best friends. close friends. i remember those last few months, and weeks, and its hard. because, i don't know. there the last things i have of her.
and for now at least, i can't talk about my other problem, because its not for me to share. not now. maybe in years. ya then i will deal. when my friends ok again. I have to save this one. because she already went through things that no one should have. I feel her pain that she won't talk about, and i can't do any thing, for now. other then have her live at my house when i can. its the best i can do. I have to hold just until after shes done. until she is ok enough that i can break alone, and get through it. I have to be there for her. shes my sis. and we have been through so much in our shout 6 years together.
Later for braking, alone. thats when i have to do it.

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