ForestSpirit15's Journal

TURN back if you are immature. Do not read ahead cuz if your a pervert then you will think about it perverted. Why do we ((sleep)) in [[church]], But stay ((awake) through a [[3 hour movie]]? Why is it so ((hard)) to talk about [[God]], but so ((easy)) to talk about [[sex]]? Why are we so ((bored)) when we look at a [[Christian magazine]], but find it ((easy)) to read [[Playboy]]? Why is it so easy to ((ignore)) a [[Godly]] myspace bulletin, Yet we ((repost)) the [[nasty]] ones? Why are ((churches)) getting [[smaller]], But ((bars and clubs)) are [[expanding]]? Why is it so easy to purchase {beer} and {drugs}? But so hard to donate 25 cents for a {Charity}? Why is it so easy to worship a {Celebrity}? But very difficult to engage with {God}? Think about it, are you going to repost this? Are you going to ignore it, cause you think you'll get laughed at?

Your a lie on my lips,
A sin in my bed.
Touching cold skin,
Till my heart bled red.
And black and blue;
You bruised my ego.
I relise theirs something better
That I cant let go.
Leaving me wetter, with tears
As your hands burn me.
So hot, so late to repair.
Your vauge appologies do nothing
but leave me impatient; despaired.
Lie with me one more time
And with myth Ill ensare-
Ill wrap you with my spell
warm, long and curved...
As your fingers twist in my hair,
And your lips gasp for words to say.
Bite your tounge; theirs nothing to say.
Just hum twilights song
on warm sea blown winds...

Dear God, our Lord in Heaven,

Im finally defeated... Is it a curse? Why cant I help? Im damned. Im damned! Ive always been damned... Just kill me now, I give up. I want to die... I want to die so badly... Im broken, Im wounded, I cant move. It hurts to breathe, to swallow, to have a beating heart. I give up. Im tired of hating, of loving... fuck. Its all fucked. I give up! Nothing can redeem this, this sin I willing bear with all my heart and love- DEAR GOD I LOVE THIS! Send me to hell, to oblivion. Proove your heart is cruel at judgement... cause after all this my hearts turning as black as yours can be. YOU SHOULD OF LET ME DIE ALL THOSE YEARS AGO WHEN MY BODY WAS INCOMPLETE! You should of let me die...

Amen

Found some poetry I randumly put down in class when I was actually WAS in class... I dropped out today and looked through the shuffles of paper...

You werent the best at playing God.
So many holes in your plans,
Youd only fall through.
But who would have know,
Youd get away cold and alone?
Well at least your free...
Closest to God youd ever be.
So fly my angel, fly to me...
Ill keep you company-
As we soar through broken skies.



I dance between the dawn and dusk,
The quarrels consume what most presume;
Simple, shallow.
Sinful, hallowed.
Yet the waves and tide prove to steep,
and vain are my attempts to choose a side...
Twix and tween my soul resides-
call me Twilight.


There are others like this song I need to polish. -sigh- Anyway I guess its the music, but Im feeling dark today. lol And my boy friend got caught talking to me (something his parents dont like lol) So hes grounded for two weeks... Ill see him on weekends though and he call me on his friends phone at four. ^__^ Ill have to keep an eye on the phone- I cant afford my parents knowing about our relationship.

You know... heh. Its getting better. Its weird though, now with most stress off my sholders Im changing. Sorta like that powder that when you add water and pressure it gets super hard but when you let it rest it gets all puddly. lol

Im getting less interested in Magick... I guess it is true this one line I read in a book where when theres chaos in life and society the need for control can lead to the occult. Ill always be a witch though, its in my blood. But I dont need divination- I have a feeling everythings going to go uphill from here.

I hate being away from highschool though. If Brittany Hess wasent there itd be great! I cried because I actually missed those hallways, classrooms, and the feeling I got there. If those eyes werent peircing it and if I could get the knife wounds to heal then my back would be happy over there.

Well now Im just waiting for everything to be finalized there. Me transfering to a diffrent school, something BJ so arrogantly protested. Like hed know shit about it. I cant blame him though, I havent told him much about how that place was Hell because of the people there.

Im transfering to a distance learning highschool- online. Virtual learning its called by some, defeat its called by me. I wanted to plumet her into the ground. Beat her face in; teach her a lesson.

But oohhh noo my FUCKING MOTHER said I couldnt. Found out quite easilly what I was planning and made me drop out that day, oh well. Ill get my revenge on her AND my mother... On second thought maybe Ill start getting DEEPER into magick! Then I can seal that bitch up. And if my mother finds out shell have a heart attack- maybe die! ^___^

I had a feeling that day there, the day my mother made me drop out, would be my last. I tried to get everyones email except for one... he said hed have to ask his 'adviser' who ever that is. I also need Ms Flemmings email- I told her I wasnt leaving without it. And I also told her it was weird that when you finnaly know your going to be free you quickly relise how slowly that place has been killing you.

------------

Now Im at home, its like summer vacation. Waiting to pick up my stuff, say final goodbyes. Recieve my new school books and start vitual learning... I feel like Im running away... My mother denyed me an ending to this so I guess Ill have to keep an eye on that bitch. -evil grin-

Well I met someone new online. I figure since everyone around me is an ass Ill try internet dating. LOL His names Brett, Shaiya name Paranor. He and I share a lot of interests, and theres physical attraction there. lol Im calling him today for the first time at 3pm...

I did a compatibilty report on him, Ive done it three times with other men. And Ive noticed one thing is clear with and relationships...

I lead them "into new worlds". (magick prolly LOL) I resist marrige on a formal level, because of my sense of freedom. (which so true it freaked me out) And "life together that will be far from monotonous, sometimes quite out of the ordinary, thanks to Uranus" uranus being me, and quite honestly you people who know me- are you suprised? LOL :P

Anyway his compatability with me is decent. But living together might be a problem, like its been with other compatability reports concering my relationships. Maybe its me? I dunno. Comment thoughts, cause I love comments. LOL

Its not to hard to see that poetry comes from within. Sometimes thoughts put into words can be easilly decoded, sometimes the feelings get tangled with words that might not have the same meaning, but the same feeling.

And whats the point of recording pretty flowers? Its because you make them immortal with those words. You honor them with that wonderful description. People might not of been there with you, but if they wanted to then they can pull expirences in their life to help bridge the gap and see yours.

The point of poetry, or hell words even- is to express. And without expression we wouldnt be human. No art, music, the monuments; nothing. A bland exsistance.

SO EXPRESS DAMMIT

One day Ill make you so proud that when you finally see what I am you'll die inside.

You'll kiss me goodnight,
Wish me sweet dreams and watch me grow up into a troubled teen.
You'll try to help, and when you see me faulter you'll blame yourself.
And when you see me rise you'll wonder where you went right.
You will see me try new things, things youve tried to cover up.
You will see me move out and do it my way.
In turn, to try to repay you for your love I'll cover up my identity.
And when I decide to repay you for your misunderstanding,
And when I decide to repay you for your pressure, I'll reveal it.
You'll be ashamed.
You'll close your door on me...
Leaving me to cry on the porch steps.
Is this what you wanted mother?

Did I finally get it right or are you cursing your loins for birthing me?

...I dont know what to put here so...


Once a year we celebrate with stupid hats and plastic plates,

the fact that you were able to make another trip around the sun.

And the whole clan gathers round' gifts and laughter too will bound,

we let out a joyful sound and sing that stupid song.


Happy Birthday, now your one year older.

Happy Birthday, your life still isn't over.

Happy Birthday, you did not accomplish much.

But you didn't die this year i guess that's good enough.


So lets drink to your fading health, and hope you don't remind yourself

your chance of finding fame and wealth decrease with every year.

Dose it feel like your doing laps, and eating food and taking naps,

and hoping that some day, perhaps, your life will hold some cheer.


Happy Birthday, what have you done that matters?

Happy Birthday, your starting to get fatter.

Happy Birthday, it's downhill from now on.

Try not to remind yourself your best years are all gone.


If cryogenics were all free then you could live like Walt Disney and live

for all eternity inside a block of ice.

But instead your time is set this is the only life you get,

and though it hasen't ended yet some times you wish it

MIGHT!


Happy Birthday, you wish you had more money.

Happy Birthday, your lifes so sad it's funny.

Happy Birthday, how much more can you take?

But your friends are hungry so just cut the stupid cake.




This is what comes up when you google funny b-day songs.... @__@ I SORRY! LOL

Getting home, I excitedly got on the computer. I had tommarow off, so basicly today was like friday for me. And Im only allowed to play on the weekends and fridays, so after I rushed my chores I opened my favorite website.

Clickling hurrily on what I wanted, I finally got to the compatibility part of the natal astrology website and typed in for me, May 11 1992 and for him, March 22 1991. Hes a year older than I... I thought.

RESULTS


Inter-planetary aspects

The following aspects between planets concern the possible relationships between two charts: especially the emotional and romantic relationship, but also aspects on social, intellectual and spiritual levels.

195 Conjunction Sun - Mars

Positive aspect: Pure sexual attraction will unite the couple. They will have an ideal partner. They will be energetic, full of life and can undertake things together on the professional level or travel together on adventurous, unpredictable journeys. They respect each other's goals and drives, and don't stand in the way of their attempts to achieve their goals. Their body rhythms match well, and they share a basic physical bond that is hard to break.

The pure sexual attraction is somewhat right, I mean... he is attractive...

135 Conjunction Mercury - Venus

Positive aspect: A relationship which will be agreeable, they will like to speak to each other, have a good intellectual understanding, their tastes will be very similar, they will like to share their feelings with each other.

Well I always like to share my feelings...

-127 Square Mercury - Neptune

Negative aspect: This relationship can only bring illusions, and therefore also disappointments will follow. These two people can never understand each other and if they insist on living together, it will be with lies and deception.

Ooooh thats not good.

-114 Square Mercury - Uranus

Negative aspect: They frequently are impatient with each other. If they insist on living together, there will be disputes and frequent tension.

It mentioned twice not to live together... and I am impatient.

94 Trine Venus - Jupiter

Positive aspect: This union is likely to be completely successful. A couple that is happy to be alive, and to live together, with a pleasant family and home, total confidence in each other (and with reason), intellectual understanding, similar tastes. There is a strong desire to make each other happy. You enjoy each other's company immensely and you put each other in a happy mood. You make each other laugh and you feel very open, loose, and jovial around each other. Forgiveness and graciousness characterizes your partnership.

Hell that sounds like MY characteristics with any relationship.

80 Trine Mars - Jupiter

Positive aspect: This is an excellent aspect. They boost each other's confidence and fill each other with enthusiasm. They make plans together, and they are realistic enough to fulfill.

Mentions good confidence a lot...

-78 Opposition Sun - Pluto

Negative aspect: A great physical attraction will unite the couple, but this relationship is unlikely to be enitrely healthy. The Pluto person tries to change the Sun person, which is not at all appreciated, and this leads to sometimes violent conflict. If the relationship ends, much bitterness and anger might be the result.

Well one, bitterness and anger have followed either extremely or mildly with ANY romantic relationship Ive had. heh. But two, it mentions attraction twice.

77 Sextile Mars - Saturn

Positive aspect: A life together with few problems, love will develop into friendship, they will understand each other and go well together. It can be a little routine at times, and there is some self-consciousness with each other.

No comment... okay one, Im always self-conscious.

An indication that they will both be faithful. Sweet!

75 Trine Moon - Uranus

Positive aspect: They will be very attracted to each other. They will have a life together that will be far from monotonous, sometimes quite out of the ordinary, thanks to Uranus. A life certainly full of surprises and not always agreeable for one of the two.

Im Uranus, and it wont be ordinary since all of you know what I am. lol -wink-

75 Sextile Mercury - Saturn

Positive aspect: If Mercury is looking for a mother or father in the spouse, then this aspect is very favorable. Saturn will give a lot on the intellectual level and in life in general.

Im Saturn, and thats very true for me.

73 Trine Moon - Neptune

Positive aspect: An almost MAGICAL BOND will unite them. Perfect harmony. There is something MORE to this relationship. It inspires the imagination, and there is a magical feeling of acceptance. There is much devotion here, especially on the part of the Moon person. Spiritual tenderness and romantic warmth between them. Their relationship encourages imagination in both people. This stems from an underlying acceptance of each other, which translates into the feeling that they are free to express their spiritual, imaginative sides without fear in each other's presence. Unconditional love, which is very rare in romantic partnerships.

This is my favorite part, I think. lol

66 Trine Venus - Uranus

Positive aspect: Union or love will be very strong, not at all intellectual, but sensual and full of romanticism and originality. Awsome.

-64 Square Saturn - Pluto

Negative aspect: Unfavorable union, the relationship will be difficult and sometimes destructive. To be avoided.


The last part didnt really make me concerned, with all the good things going against it. However the part about the magical bond, sort of freaked me out, since a long time ago I accedentally cast a spell to bring me my love. (Dont ask HOW you could do that accedentally, just trust me on this. lol)

So with these things in my favor, it could very well be I was attracted to him because a relationship could spark up between us. The only problem IS im to much of a coward to even approach him again.

If he was confused before, how could I start a conversation with him NOW?!

THE END

When he left the class room, I looked on his computer to see what user name he had. All user names consisted of the last name first, the first letter of your first name, then the last three digits of your wevis, or lunch, number. Like for Firefly it would be ArdS337 or for Ventus, DamouniR657.

His last name was Abrahams and his first enitial was A. Knowing this I knew the next place to go research him would be my very good friend, who had a very good knowledge of the schools very own system.

Going into her office, I smiled and said, "I know his name!"

"Oh? So whos this Mr. Blue eyes?" (named for his magnificant ice blue eyes...)

"Abrahams A. I looked at his logout screen..." I said nervously. I knew I was a sneak, lol. She opened up the black and green screen and typed in his name. When before I thought him a senior, turns out he was an eleventh grader. Unfortunetly, thats ALL she would show me. His first name and grade.

"Now go on I shouldnt even of shown you that." I smiled, thanked her, and while walking to my next class whispered in my mind, Alexander... Alexander...

Seeing him in the hallways didnt have its same effect on me as it did before. Usually looking at him stopped my breath made me blush, or smile. But now I was to busy wondering why I was wondering about him. To any other girl, perhaps he would be thought to scrawny or something. To hooked a nose or to long hair... but it was sort of perfect for me. I LOVED his look. Those kind eyes... confused, a little freaked, lol but hey that would be expected.

So there I was. Walking to Miss Flemming days later to find she was gone for the day... Miss Kyle, the offices secretary told me "You can either go to the library or file for me darlin." So she thought I was TA, teachers assistant.

Well sure, I thought, I love helping people and it looks like she needs help. So she gave me the papers and told me where to and how to file the new comming students permanent records. The locked room was hot, and smelled like the huge computer system and cardboard boxes surrounding the walls. But across from me were the filing cabnets to every single student in Morgantown High School.

Oh-ho-ho... this could be fun. I thought devishly. Leeetsss see.... Knwoing if i got caught Id be in serious trouble, suspended, expelled, sued, or worse, Miss Flemming would be disapointed in me, well lets say the heat in that room would of gotten me sweating but it that was the nervousness that really got it going.

I was looking for the new students proper filing place when I saw I was in the A's. Curiosity took me and I flipped through them but I couldnt find him. I knew he was in eleventh grade...

Then right at the end, I gasped as I saw his name.

Stand or die, Twi. I lifted it and opened it to see a few pages... Where he lived didnt interest me, I had no intention on stalking him like some girls. But his birthdate was far more valuable to me then his phone number, (why in part three) it was the only thing I was looking directly for.

"March 22, 1991...." I muttered, commiting it to memory automaticly. (which is rare and very freaky for me to do.) "Aries..." I smiled, and looked through other papers. Decent grades, the ho-hum stuff. His life must of been quiet it school, since his folder wasent as big as mine. (Mine was thick with 'I question authority and have to be monitered.' heh...) Then I found what his papers said he wanted to do with his life.

"He wants to be a doctor?" I was attracted to a future DOCTOR? WHAT THE HELLS WRONG WITH ME?! The paper said he filled in the bubble that said he was very sure... Suddenly I heard a noise behind the door, and hurried to finish the filing. The only records I looked up was his and mine, so there wasent much time taken up.

When the filing was done, I made up my mind to look up if we were compatible for friendship on this website for astology, the only site that I feel is very accurate when comparing detailed natal charts. I saw just WHY I was attracted to him... That, however, will be in part three.

Mr. Strickler is... well... strick, horrible, and I dont have enough time to spend in his boring uncomfortable IR sitting for two hours trying to feing being awake while Im asleep. So while I had the song 'Love me dead' (EVERYONE MUST LISTEN TO IT LOL) by Ludo, I thought to go down to my guidance councelor, which I struck up a two school year friendship with, and talk about my romantic frustrations with this boy I have stuck in my head.

Known as blue eyes, previously before I knew his real name, Id sit for hours in class wondering what the heck his name was, and why I was so strangly attracted to him. Last time something like that happened it turned out he was into the occult. (but thats a diffrent story ;)

Well that must be it then! I thought for so long... Ill just... ask him or something!

Took three months from admiring his attractiveness and daydreaming about him to get up enough tormented courage to look for a chance... a chance to talk to him. Ms. Flemming, my guidance councelour, kept on pushing me to. So did some of my other friends. And when I saw him in my class, I took the chance.

Hes always in Nickersons class, the art class on the other side of my 3rd period art class. It was horrible to see him get coco for Miss Nickerson in the winter. When we had that bomb threat in the fall I saw him talking with friends, smiling, and oh his smile was beautiful. I even saw, and still see, him in the hallways between classes. When I was downtown I saw him drive away in the car, and I even memorized his liscenes plate. >_< All my attempts and schemes to talk to him didnt work!

But then, that day, a week before now, I saw him typing away on the computer in MY CLASS ROOM.

"psst, Ashely!" I nodded in his direction mouthing, 'thats him'. But the idiot didnt understand. And with him a few feet away if he knew I was talking about him it could mean akward trouble... "Im going over to him." I whispered, I could tear her head off cause she still didnt bother to take her headphones out to hear me better or for goodness sakes READ MY LIPS. Especially since she was so curious, but I didnt have time to write a note. I went over to him and sat next to him.

My body screamed, WHY ARE WE THIS CLOSE TO HIM?! I screamed back, (mentally lol) He isnt some god or something! Get over your shame of being alive AND TAP HIM ON THE SHOLDER!

"Uh... can I talk to you?" He turned, with that confused look like- 'who is she?'

Oh no... I hate confused looks... "Are you interested in the Craft or the Occult?" Thats right, cover all bases.

"Uh... whats that?" He asked, even more confused but smiling with his eyebrows all crooked. I could just hear his thoughts, 'whos this freak?' But his eyes were kind...

Someone wanted to sit where I was so I moved. I didnt stutter, so I guessed he didnt know anything of the sort. "Um nevermind." I said appologeticly. I sat back down, so embarrased at being wrong I didnt look back. Aset said, Dont worry hes no use to you. But that didnt make sense! Why was I so intrigued by him?! Its not like.... its not like... I have a CRUSH on him... right? RIGHT?!

to be continued...

A rainy wenseday afternoon, I was walking from MHS to the Blue Moose Cafe. Its a comfortable corner cafe that had the best Cherry Drops EVER. The cafe was slightly full, some people were socalizing at the more priavte tables at the very ends of the building. I chose a single chaired table in the middle, and placed my backpack and umbrella on the seat to save it.

It was when I payed for my Cherry Drop and picked up my book about music in the cultures I was researching for school, that I saw a woman walk in with a red and pink polka dot umbrella.

"Ill have a medium Cherry Drop please." Aha! This woman had sense.

She turned around and took a table next to mine, setting her bright umbrella down to rummage through an oversize leather purse. Finding a notepad and a pen she began feicly scribbling things down as if shed forget it all soon.

Though her umbrella was interesting enough, she looked quite plain. Short brown hair, hazel eyes, and a regular jean material jacket that looked like it was itchy. When I saw she was done writiing out of the corner of my eye I couldnt help talking to her.

"The Cherry Drop is great isnt it? When I first heard of it I could of swore it sounded like liqour." We both laughed, and she pointed to my book.

"Interested in music?" She asked.

"Yeah," I replied. "Plus its for a project, so bonus."

"Whats your favorite band?"

"I dont really have a favorite band, I cant even make up my mind about my favorite genre."

"Ever heard of Jezebel Jessie?" She asked very curiously, if not hopeful. What a strange name though, I thought Jezebell was an evil woman in the bible. Must be a goth metal band or something Ive never heard of before.

"Uhhhh.... no. Why is she your favorite?" She showed a tired smile, and sighed.

"No, Im Jezebel Jessie. But thats okay I only play up in New York so you wouldnt of heard of me."

"Why do you call yourself Jezebel?" I asked.

"Its a long story..." She warned.

"I got time." Which was true, since I had about three hours. So she took another sip of her Cherry Drop, and I closed my book.

I lost my place, I thought, so if this 'long story' is gonna take five minets, Im going to be pissed.

She told me she grew up in a relativly small town, up in Michigan, where the only music allowed in her household was hymn. Her parents only passion shared was their distrust and dislike for any music outside their congregation; especially rock. They thought it led to evil and sin; one time she absent mindidly started to hum a popular song one of her friends played on the bus. The next thing she knew, she was 'whapped' on the head.

When she started to mature and go through puberty she felt more rebellious. Around that time their schools music teacher was teaching about diffrent instruments and how they worked, and would get out her guitar to strum a bit in demonstration.

Jessie never knew she wanted something so much. it was like her fingers were itching for the chance to play. So after class she confronted Ms. Calleigh about her situation, and the teacher, understanding her need to express herself and completely unnerved by her parents opinion, agreed to give her lessons at the end of school. Her coverup was that she needed to be tutored for math, and with her math grades in the dump her parents quickly agreed.

Jessie was a natural. She quickly picked up on everything Ms. Calleigh taught her, with the exception of a few things which needed to be retaught. Soon enough her friends decided to pitch in on Jessies happieness and buy her a CD player and some CDs of the popular artists during that time.

When Jessie went into highschool she snuck out late at night and played in local bars. Earning good cash, 'under the table' of course. With the money saved up, she bought a guitar and hid it under her bed. She worked even harder to keep her cover up on grades and walking from her highschool to middle school to the bus stop in time for lessons from her old music teacher and in time to get home with no one the wiser.

Near the end of highschool, however, she began getting more stressed. Letting a few assignments slip and applying for some music colleges. When her parents found the letters in the trash they yelled at her, scolding her, and grounded her for a month. They called her Jezebell, for she was an evil woman for doing these things, and they built a small bonfire for her guitar in the back yard.

She was known as Jezebel Jessie ever since.

A week later she graduated from highschool. She made some more cash, mainly borrowed from her friends and being a waiter, and when all her goodbyes were in order she gathered her things and got a ride to New York in the middle of the night. Her cousin welcomed her with a big warm hug, much needed from her recent parental abuse. The last few days of her stay her parents were brutal to her.

To earn her stay, she started to play in local bars again at night and was a waiter in the day. People loved her, and she gained popularity quickly. Soon enough people offered to be her manager and offered her fame. Looking at other famous people, however, changed her mind. She didnt think she had enough will to put herself under that much pressure and still come out drug-and-conformity free.

She wrote her own songs, found inner peace by playing and singing, had her own style, and soon got her own guitar and place. With her independent life set up however, she found herself a bit lonely. It wasnt until a month later when a local artist came by for some relief, you know the kind found in the bottom of a glass, that she met what she thinks today is the love of her life.

Playing her new lively song about hope, titled "Whats Next" caught Christophers attention and diverted him long enough to perhaps dodge becoming an alcoholic. He started to come to her preformences more often, then became a regular to her shows. She kept on noticing his face and started to strike up a conversation after shows until they gradually started to fall for each other enough to date. Twenty dates and a two thousand conversations later they moved in together.

Two years and a load full of songs inspired by Christopher later, they got engaded. Noticing that she never met his parents before, and hearing their distressful complaints, they both decided to come down to his hometown to meet them. Which just so happened to be Morgantown, West Virginia.

And finally for more than two years without inspiration, comming back to his 'almost heaven' Christopher started to pop out ideas left and right for his projects.

"This place will do that to ya, if you know where to haunt," I agreed. "Do you have anything on Youtube I can look at?"

"I might," She said thoughtfully. "There were some people with labtops that attended my preformances a while back. They liked me well enough... but here." She handed me a CD with two sinver J's on the black cover, intertangled and abseloutly stunning. "This is some songs I burned onto them, theres even my old song "Whats Next" on there. Its sort of my favorite..." She smiled and put on her jacket again.

"I have to go to Christopher now." She said while picking up her umbrella and oversized purse. "Nice meeting you Paige, my emails on the back of it. Gimmi a message now and then kay?" And with a smile and wave she was off, leaving me wondering why the hell I thought of writing about my sister as the person who I most admired.