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Latest Journal Entry

August 19, 2007

My Worst Fear!!!! (It's reviealed!!!! *gasp*)

okay. see, i have this problem where i can take ne happy thing i see of hear and just get really depressed cause i think way way way too much. i was in the car and i just broke down cause i passed a nursing home. inside one of the windows i saw too older ones danceing. it was awesome. i think it's great how someone can be confined and abandoned by everyone and still find time for themselves and just enjoy themselves. then...... dadada..... i started thinking about getting old. getting old doesn't scare me, everyone grows up and everyone dies. death doesn't scare me either. im not scared of those things. i just see those as things we all have to look at and say, "that's going to be me someday." my real fear is getting old and not being able to be me ne more. not being able to do the things i do now. not being able to have fun. not being able to be out there and just..... not worry. now, i know that as u get older health has many circumstances where u just can't do what u used to, and that u just have to slow down a bit and put a few restictions on yourself. i know that. i understand that. but i still want to be out there and do what u can. i'm scared that i won't be able to do that. i don't know, but this probally sounds really stupid and something i shouldn't worry about when i'm only a teenager.... but i can't help it. Altimzers runs in my family and my great-grandma is in the same nursing home i passed today. she doesn't remember ne one. she does lays there. she's just there. she can't do ne thing, people have to help her do everything. and i mean everything. my family doesn't even go in to see her ne more. i haven't see her in 2 years. but i know she's in there, all alone, still just laying there. and it hurts soo much to thing about that. i don't want to be like that. i don't want my family to abandon me and let complete strangers take care of me. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN DIAPERS!!! i want to be those older ones who are out mowing there grass, taking care of their house, playing with their grand-kids, taking to their kids and giving them advice. i want to be the one all the neighborhood kids think is awesome. i want to be out there with them playing and talking. and i'm scared that i won't be able to do that. does ne of this make ne sence to you or do i just sound weird and paranoid? i'm so scared of this that i'm crying right now. i can't stand it ne more, why does this scare me soo much?

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