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June 13, 2009

Judgment

My whole life has revolved around changes and just trying to get by. My whole life I lost people, and cared for new ones even when I knew they too would eventually disapear. My whole life I only had my mom who remained someone who I knew would constantly be with me; who I could always look to for her judgment and her giudance. I knew my mom is unreplacable, and that, no matter how many people I cared for and lost, she would stil be there; that she wouldnt be one of those people.

As a person who has many friends who are all different, unique, and close to me, I admitt that I am protective over them and that I get pissed when someone tries to critsize them as if they KNEW them...

Imagine..
Imagine what it must feel like, to have your idol, role-model, or your hero, or in better words your god, sit there and gossip, make-fun-of, and JUDGE your friends right in front of your very face. Seen through your very eyes, and you sit there helpless.
I sat there..Helpless. I couldnt stop her, but I couldnt listen either.
"Oh, there lifes must be soooo horrible. They have it so ruff."
One sarcastic comment...
"The black eyeliner, and they're so emotional."
After another sarcastic comment...
"You're friends gay? please,you're too young to even know who you are, much less your sex."
Andmore punches burned into mychest...
"its so stupid, they're always trying to get the clothes, and hang out at the mall. cuz its 'cool'"


Sitting in the car that night, I had no escape.If only I could have blocked out the noise; the voices. She would still be my hero. She would still be the one person Ihave had my whole life, andshe wouldnt be just another person to disapear alongthe journy of trying to get by.
But, as I faced her words like acid, destroying every inch of my being, I realized something. An alternate reality, that I never thought about before.

The critisism, and judgement to my friends...
It struck me twice as bad, because I am one of them. Because every comment and remark made towards them was just as hurtful as it was going strait to me.

On that night, I sat in the car alone, while everyone got out for a trip to pick up some snacks and have some laughs. I stayed behind, to cry. I let the steaming hot tears go as soon as the door shut, signaling that I finally had peace to let it go.

I cried for my friends. I cried for myself. I cried for her.

As each tear smeard MY black eyeliner, the eyeliner that she judged upon me, I felt the feeling again.
The feeling I regain everytime I loose someone, but this time it was the person I never thought I'd loose. After ech tear fell onto my lap, into my palm, and coated my lips, I was only left with their salty taste and the empty pit inside me.

After the drops dried away, she did too.

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