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July 6, 2006

well, fuck.

Hmm. So here I am at...3:38am now....... can't sleep. I just got back from a trip to Vancouver, which helped to relieve the tendrils of depression which threatened to suffocate me after my departure from Jr. High School. I'm very sad, you see, because my class (and a few others) had become my family.yes a few of us fought, yes there was rivalry. But we were a family and my teacher was the...dad? no, he was too...wierd...for that. perhaps uncle, or cousin even. I'd been very depressed and bitter in grade 7 and 8, and had very few friends. no one seemed to notice when I did anything good, but everyone noticed (and reacted) when I messed up. I was very unhappy, and generally suicidal. However, upon moving to my new school in gr.9, I've become happy and accepted bt people who do enjoy my company, and would help me through bad times. I've become happier than I've ever been before. But ow....gr.9 is over, and they're all going away forever. This probably wouldn't hurt so bad if my best friend wasn't moving. Chelsea is moving to the Rockies, and I may never see her again. We'll chat via msn and whatnot, but it won't be the same. I guess I've digressed from why I'm still awake. And if anyone has acctually read this far, which I hope they have not, I have every intention of diverging my innermost demons into this post. First, however, let me explain why. I believe there is a time each night, when I become very....sadistic. masochistic if you must push it so far. At this time of night (generally around 3-4 am) I am prone to drawing s&m anime sketches, and writing songs or poems which tear the soul asunder. also, I suspect, it is because I'm tired of keeping my secrets. I'm tired of feeding the beast inside, I'm tired of hiding. I can't sleep anymore, I can't function properly. Because I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed with anything I can be to avoid being empty, to avoid having to find myself. Everything I do or say is a quote or a reenactment. I have no personality, no depth. everyone I come into contact with sees only this mask which I employ for purposes unknown even to me. I sometimes wonder if Axel is doing this to fuck with me, I'm so tired of her judgement. I was obsessed with anime. I was obsessed with desperate housewives. I was obsessed with Foamy. I am obsessed with Hannibal. but they're all distractions. From myself, I suppose. To keep my attention away from my own forbidden fruit. If I am Eve, then Axel is the snake and He is the apple. It's illegal, what I want from him. So illegal. D.F. holds my heart in his hand, but he does not understand, he doesn't percieve. I leave him hints he overlooks, I watch him in ways a student should never look upon her teacher and he misinterperets. I want him physically, emotionally, psychologically, mentally, spiritually until he is mine forever. I want to sink into him, become one with him, be him be around him be near him love him fuck him and in return have him love me. He is my teacher, my idol, my love but he does not percieve, and I am too much of a coward to ever open his eyes to the truth for fear of losing him forever. I can't stop think about you, David! why don't you understand? why can't you see? It's 4:21 am now, and I can't focus on anything but the clack-clack of the keyboard and the words that seem toappear on the screen almost supernaturally, impossibly. I should probably go to bed but I know I won't sleep. I'll just become too enthralled in memories and fantasies of him. Envision exchanges, encounters, fucking. It's unbearable and yet I love it. It's burning me alive and I never want it to end until he's mine entirely. He is mine, and no one else can have him. Mine. Him in his oilers-fan, blue-eyed, goofy glory. He'll become mine, someday. But not yet. Signing off, gotta google him. Jsama

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