I've decided to come back, oh wait, hold the clapping por favor, jokes(!!!!), I've got problems, NOT MENTALLY, still and I'd like maybe some help?
Since I've been back, well not completely back but still, I've finished the Pete story, all 10 parts, posted a Diary part, TWO Brendon parts AND, goodness knows I shouldn't, started a new story.
Oh and I turned 7teen. :)
On to the problems...
Besides that, am I the only person who finds sex... not scary, but intimidating?
There's just something about letting someone see you nude, see all your flaws, letting them get close enough to you to be intimate... Gah, it scares the hell out of me to think I might give my virginity to someone who doesn't care about me or that might NOTICE said flaws. Ya know?
It's so complicated because... I want to get that close to someone, a certain someone, but if I do, that's giving them a chance, and full access, to hurt me and even if they don't, I've been hurt so much, it's like, I don't know, something I'm afraid to let happen again. I don't think he'd ever purposely hurt me, but those "what if?"s and "remember when?"s float around in my mind so often, I can't think straight.
I'm not afraid to get hurt, I'm afraid of relying on someone, loving them so much it hurts, then having them break my heart.
(It's happened before and that person doesn't even know how much I cried over them...)
They were one of those kind of people who... enjoyed power. Had me on the side while they were with someone, brought up my hopes then tore them down like The Berlin Wall with one text.
Yeah, that hurt badly and worse, I can't hate them as hard as I've tried, it just isn't possible because no matter what, I'll love 'em. Maybe I do, or will, love someone more then them, but that kind of love just doesn't up and disappear. I can't just say "I hate you!" and mean it after what happened between us two.
I won't lie though, it was my fault they didn't want to be with me, though it was their's for lying and saying they loved me, I never shoulda let 'em go and I did. And I regret being such an idiot and then acting like I hated/didn't care for or about them when I thought it was so obvious that everything I told them, everything bad that is, was a lie.
But I can't go back in time. If I could, would I? No. It hurt, it scared me, but I think sooner or later, they will read this and I'll be able to say "You know how I felt, I can finally say I don't love you."
At least I hope so. Though I doubt it, I'll always love you.(Meant to be to the person who broke my heart, not you weirdos! :-p)
But, I feel incredibly better, or at least that's the lie I'm telling myself, so later. Maybe my words helped, or hurt, you guys, whoever's reading this, but either way, thanks for listening. Sort of. 
§dory§
