TheyCallMeDoctorLove's Journal

omfg!! i play guitar, and i have an acoutic(which i got 4 mi birthday a year or 2 ago) and now i am getting a bass guitar from mi parents,and im saving up money for an electirc one. im so fucking happy!!!! YAY!!! ok. on to the next subject. people are faggoty assholes. yea. they are. i am now officcialy known as the "goth girl". how steriotypical is that? ok, so im not exactly the happyest person in the world, and i like wierd stuff, but i don think tht im goth. im just a bit darker than other "normal" people. and normal people are starting to piss me off. they label you, and they stay in their little groups, and they dont take risks. wen im with mi friends, i am happy, but sometimes i feel like i am being held down. i don no y tho. its reely confusing. i dont get y im here. theres not much good stuff in my life rite now. i havent talked to the guy that i actually love for a long time (he likes me to, and we met at camp). my mom thinks that i hate her ( idont hate her, i just dont like her that much). i HATE my step dad so much because he ruined my life, he took my mom away 4rm me, he takes everything away from me. i havent seen or heard frm my biological father since i was 4 years old. i have almost no rights, and my parents think that they control me. THEY DONT. im so afraid of not being able to hold on any longer. nothing is working out the way i planned. i hate so many things, i just want eveything to go away. sleep is my only comfort. but even then, sometimes i am disturbed by freakish dreams. i want to escape.

ok... im basically just gonna tell you guys about my self. ummmmmmmmmmm.......................... when i wuz 4 yrs old, my mom took me away from my dad (who i havent seen since) and we moved. my mom married this fat bastard, and i hate him and i have to live with him. i used to be normal, and then i started to hate a lot of things. from grade 1-4 people liked me, and had crushes on me and i had a lot of friends. then , in gr.5, i started to hang out with these to girls, taylor and samantha. they wore slutty clothes and pink and shit lyk that. they had rules about what u could wear on what day, and i started being lyk them. they didnt lyk my old friends, and they made me dump them. i tried net to... but i don no wat happend. soon, mi only friends were them, and i wasnt fitting in too well. we got in a fight, and they dumped me. i had no friends to turn to, and i felt really bad. then, a new girl came and i grabbed mi chance. we are still best friends today. it took along time to regane my friends and respect. in gr.6, i was still pretty normal and i wasnt dresssing slutty ish animore. the summer b4 gr.7 was wen i really started to change. i went from normal human being, to depressed angry thingg. i really fell hard for a boy tht i met at camp. he liked me too, and it prolly sounds relly stupid but i still love him. i mean actually love him. and tts hard for me cuz i havent been able to love anybody for a long time. i dont love mi dad because he let me abandon him, i cant loove mi mom because she treats me lyk a peice of shit, i cant love mi stepdad because he is just so... faggotish and mean and discusting. everytime i give mi heart to somebody, they throw it away and i have to mend it. i dont have anything left. my mom wont let me do anithing. she wont let me dress the way i want cuz she thinks that im turning goth or w/e. i love black and stuff lyk that, but im not exactly goth. i used to be popular, but i have slowly dropped out of the social circle. i want to be left alone, but dont want to be ignored. i love my music and it totally helps me. espesially slipknot. they say exactly wat i want to say. i want people to treat me lyk a person, not some sort of demented demon. just because i dress differently, listen to different music and like different stuff, i dont fit in. its lyk they are afraid of difference. i want to stand out. i am so mixed up and confused.

i don have a title for this song, but yea... its confusing so try to keep up w/ it..... do you think that it should ever be like is there something wrong with the weeping children become peace makers that dont exist and know that love and hate arent real how could you think about us without crying in pain and anguish that will never go away as long as they keep cutting they have to go theyve decided that they value freedom more than life whats it ever done for them? we're all going together we've still got nothing to lose so go away youre just making things worse TIPS::::: when you try to write a song, it wont work. write one when ur feeling strongly about some thing. wen ur mad, sad scared pissed off or w/e. if u try to think about it, it wont come.

i don have much to say rite now.... so im gonna post a song tht i wrote.... its not done yet so don b lyk wat the fu..ck?? ok. TAKE ME AS I AM lay me down in the grave bury me alive take my soul and drag it through the fire in your eyes i spent night with death but it rejected me i can not say when ill be gone dont worry it will happen I WONT MAKE IT I CANT TAKE IT (chorus) im not alive yet im not dead but that can quickly change my ink stained blood is dripping through the cracks in the grave i fought for this and yet i failed they despise me once again i can not help that i am me so take me as i am that is all i have so far.. its about how society dosent have room for people like me, and were just kind of floating around, watching. tell me what u think.