Thinkpinkink's Journal

like many other people, I am leaving quizilla. I am not leaving due to the coming changes. Actually, I liked the changes they were making. I am leaving because have outgrown being here. I will continue reading a few stories until they are completed, but I intend to delete this account June 1st. I bid you farewell and please contact me elsewhere if you feel so inclined.

  I am overwhelmed.  I am tired.  I want to give up on some things and through my full energy into others.  I no longer know all the answers. I do not know what to say.  I have no sage advice to give.  I want to help, but I am unable.  I want everything to work, but I am not so sure it will.  I lack understanding in many areas of my life right now, and biochemistry seems to be the least of my concerns.  I despise biochemistry with my entire metabolic system. 
Alex is discouraged and I do not know what to say, so I write out the thoughts in my head.  I feel like I've failed him because he thinks no one believes in him.  I feel like I've failed him because he is so discouraged.  I feel like I failed him because he doubts his own intelligence and capabilities.  I feel like I failed him because of what he said.  What do I do now?  Can I do anything?
I'm not sure of very much, but I am sure that God understands and will help if Alex asks.  I am asking for him.

Alex was quite correct as he pointed out that love is a journey. It is a verb and noun and a person, but it also a process. We were sitting at THE park, trying to talk to each other after he nearly killed this relationship. He didn't, though and it is only by God's grace. I sat in the grass, picking the blades apart, dissecting them as I dissected the thoughts spinning through my head. I wanted to know what God wanted me to do, what Christ was teaching me in this. I still don't fully understand all that has happened. Allow me to summarize from my perspective: Alex allowed his emotions to wander too far. He did what was right to correct it, but consequences are still to be had. It seems as though we did a little demolition to portions of our relationship that now need to be rebuilt. I see the benefit in this as parts of our relationship were not resting on a firm foundation. We now have a chance to build again, with a little experience in our brains and a unifying love for Jesus in our hearts. Perhaps logic would tell me not to remain with him, but I know what I must do now. I am responsible for the wreck as well. We were struggling before this and I did nothing. I have peace with where we are now. I know growing will be harder than ever, but what is worth having that was easy to obtain?
Please pray for me to remain faithful to my God in all of this. Please pray that I will rekindle the passion I had for the Gospel. It has waned in the past months. Also pray that my focus will continually be on Christ and His will for my life. For too long I have made my own plans, now I cannot and I am lost. Pray that I will depend on Him and seek His direction before I depend on myself or anyone else. Praise God that He heals the broken. He is sovereign and I find unspeakable comfort in that truth.
Please pray for Alex and me. Pray that God would be our focus.
May He receive glory from all of this.

'Tis Monday and I am eating pie.  I am completely not ready to work today, which is detrimental as it is already 11:15 am.  I need to get my work ethic together, post-haste!  I am not an incredible fan of Monday, but I am not a fan of many days.  On Saturday I visited beautiful Red Rocks Amphitheatre to listen to the marvelous sounds of Meese and The Fray.  Hooray for local music!
Yesterday I went to church, then squandered the day with Alex.  It was quite relaxing.  We then proceeded to see The Bourne Ultimatum which was simply amazing.  I do thoroughly enjoy a good espionage flick.
Once upon a time, I had something profound to type here, but it has slipped my mind.
Enjoy the day,
Mandee

read here.
hMandee

I wrote a nice rant about stupid people.  You may read it here.  Let me know what you think.

Love,
Me

My vanilla latte is cold.  My feet are cold.  My mood is slightly chilled.  I blame the cold.  I have come to the realization that I know no one on this site personally.  This makes me happy in a lonely, independent sort of way.  I am glad I am not known.  I have no one to impress and no one to avoid.  I have no one to be.  I can be no one.

That is exactly what I shall do.  To be no one would be a terribly intriguing adventure.

Here I sit with peonies and an empty bottle that previously contained white tea.  I wish I had more white tea.  The chocolate wrapper reads, "keep the promises you make to yourself."  Why would I do that?  I would rather keep the promises I make to other people.  They matter more.  The peonies are from my parents.  They love me and are proud of me.  I like getting flowers from my parents.  I like getting flowers from Alex more.  Peonies smell like very strong roses.  They are so beautiful.  It matches the pink  motif of my cubicle, down to my slightly pink crystal garden.  Today is much better than the past week.  I know why I work where I do.  I do enjoy my job, really.  I have been selfish this past month and I finally understand it.  I took my aggression out on a volleyball last night.  I loved it.  I sit here and contemplate what I should request from my parents for my birthday.  Many things I want, many dollars I need.  My iPod claims it is 4:18 am.  I wish it was so I could be in my cozy little bed, concocting cozy little dreams.  Though, my dreams have been far from cozy of late.  I wish someone could send me some inspiration for my story.  I would like to finish it this summer, however, I am stuck.  I know naught of creativity anymore.  Perhaps I shall use my dreams, though they are highly improbable and I always wake up before the anticipated climatic scene.  

Have you every wondered about nanotechnology?  I have and I find the explanations and uses amazing.  I also find chemical mistakes to be quite beautiful.  My crystal garden is something of a chemical mistake.  many drugs are results of mistakes.  Many discoveries occur through a series of errors.  Many  a "Eureka!" follows an "oops!"

I love Alex.  He makes me feel accomplished and happy.  After I complain about something he did or didn't do, I realize that I have no right to complain.  He is a gift.  Many complaints come from my selfish inclinations.  I am still learning to be selfless in life and this relationship has revealed what type of beast I really am.  I am a brat if I complain about my gift.  I love him.  I love the Creator who brought him to me.  I become so excited about the future that I usually over look the present.  I need the present to prepare for the future and to learn to love him properly, the way He wants me to love.  I hope people see Jesus in all of this.

Eating: Dark chocolate
Drinking: water
Wanting: the world, or to simply enjoy the tire swing

I no longer enjoy my job.  I still love the people I work with and the organization I work for but I do not like what I do.  I feel as though I do nothing.  i have to talents to spend here.  I have no degree to utilize to better our systems.  I honestly think I have nothing to offer any longer.  I look forward to graduation and moving on with life.  So, while going through this "early life crisis,"  I headed over to one of my favorite sites: Chemical & Engineering News.  They usually have job listings, but I was distracted by a review of Spiderman 3.  Then I found this:
 


I vote I spend the rest of my life doing this.
Read more here.

Listening: Shiny Toy Guns
Enjoying: Nothing
Wanting: Everything

I am tired. I am tired emotionally, physically, intellectually.  I am tired of not writing my story.  I am tired of not knowing what I should do with my life.  I am tired of looking forward to graduation.  I am tired of waiting.  I am tired of feeling so selfish, acting to selfishly, and being so selfish.  It is not very becoming of myself.  I am tired of being to cold to remove my sweater, yet too hot to be comfortable.  I am tired of lacking focus.  I am tired of listening to the same old songs.  I have 1,065 songs; I thought I would have something I would want to listen to, but I can not seem to find anything.  I think Shiny Toy Guns will suffice for now.  I wish I had interesting hair.  I wish I knew God better.  I wish I had no fears.  I wish I did not feel like crying.  I wish I was not such a covert emo child.  I hate this!  This pit that confines me is miserable and I am the only keeping myself here because it has become all I know and I am afraid to experience anything outside of it.  I wish I would never doubt or grow impatient.  I wish I had an apartment to decorate.  I wish I knew how to knit.  I wish life was not such an amazingly terrifying adventure.  I wish I had a better vocabulary and command of diction.  I wish I did Pilates more consistently.  Maybe then I would not feel so bloated.  I wish life did not deteriorate as we age but increased in beauty and vibrancy.  I wish I knew what God knows so I would want what He wants.  I sometimes wish Pastor Rick was still here.

I wonder if I am being too…me. I really can’t explain what I mean; I do not understand myself. I constantly fail. I constantly do stupid things that only serve to make life more difficult, thus increasing my propensity to do stupid things. I’m tire of being frustrated and allowing other people to dictate my moods; I’m tired of allowing a professor to murder my desires to be a chemist. I’m tired of his spinelessness and fickle expectations. Perhaps I can use all the fun uncertainty I learned this semester to predict my grade?

I need to start writing again. Life always seems to be better when I can write as an outlet instead of complaining, whining and gossiping. My story is basically in shambles as I read it again. I should delete and start anew. Maybe that will be my diversion over the summer when I’m not writing lab write-ups.

I want to feel happy again. You see, I am happy. I have a lot to praise God for and very few things to complain about. However, my heart is still downcast and melancholy. I am grateful that my reality is not determined by my emotions. I am glad I do not make decisions based on my emotions because I would have made a few choices that I could never forgive myself for making.

My religion is based upon how well I know I God; it’s like a relationship. So far, I haven’t talked to God much, so I really don’t know what He thinks about what I’m doing and where I’m going. I miss Him. No, God doesn’t talk to me audibly, but the Bible sure does reveal a lot about what He thinks and who He is. I should probably read it some more. Also, praying to Him isn’t just a list of things I want, but it is a way for me to tell Him things He already knows. He’s like a father; a perfect father. He can see my life and how I act, and knows from those things what I think and how I feel. However, like any good father, He would rather me come to Him and confide in Him, to ask for His advice. Soren Kierkegaard is far from a great theologian, but I am sure he understood prayer fairly well when he said, "Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays." God is omniscient (He knows everything). He is also not confined by time. He knows what is going to happen and He has control over it. So, how could my prayer change God? It does not. Instead, it brings me to the place where I know I can confide in Him and He will tell me what is best. Pretty amazing that the Creator is so personal that He cares about my daily struggles and victories and wants to be involved in it all. What is more amazing: He won’t push His way in or demand that I tell Him everything. He will let me suffer on my own volition, but He will suffer with me until I go to Him with my mess. I know many people blame God for their sorrow and many do not believe He exists. He does exist and He is not to blame for tragedy.

Wherever you are, whoever you are, I hope this makes sense to you.

Sincerely,
Mandee

What I should be happy about:
~My sister is coming home in two months and six days.
~One of my finals in complete (only 3 more to go)
~I get my hair cut Saturday (I need something new)
~I found jeans that fit, cute shoes, and a prize for sister last Saturday
~Rain
~Lemon Poppy-seed cake (I am so getting the lady's number from Melissa)
~Underoath
~Dashboard Confessional
~Bullet for My Valentine
~Seven-dollar hardback books
~Books in General
~Pink Font
~God is Sovereign and Jesus loves me
~Only 14 credits separate me from my degree.
~I can't get much worse than a C in my Physical Chemistry class


What I am not happy about:
~Merry isn't here right now
~Finals
~Summer Classes
~Another Semester of school
~lack of creativity
~my horrid story
~my inability to grow a backbone sometimes
~my failure to love Christ in all I do
~lack of communication
~lack of nourishment taken today
~these stupid, depressed feelings that render me incapable of doing anything aside from crying
~crying
~sad movies
~sad stories
~chick flicks
~missing free saturday at the art museum

 

Enjoy your day,
Mandee.

 What my selfishness desires:
~Alex to be accepted to Mines, now.
~To graduate.
~To find a job that uses my degree, soon.
~My astronomy class to count toward my physics minor.
~To move out.
~To work out.
~Cute shoes with matching bags.
~New nail polish.
~To plan a wedding.
~A new car with air conditioning that works and is not a hideous hue.
~My sister
~To throw my very own pitty party, complete with black, drooping balloons


What my rationality desires:
~To understand the purpose God has given me and accomplish it.
~To understand physical chemistry
~To know what I am supposed to do after December.
~To be patient, waiting for God's perfect timing.
~To teach my girls to know Christ intimately.
~To portray what true Christianity is.
~To finish my story.

I feel so tired.  Tired of being in the same place.  I need change; I need a new perspective; I need coffee.  At this moment, everything is measured in potential and not actual products.  My future appears adventurous and thrilling, laced with romance, tragedy and immense joy.  However, I remain here, continually looking forward to the beautiful future I imagine.  I wonder if my constant anticipation and excitement for the future causes me to neglect my present and the beauty therein. Does this have any semblance of the future I dreamed of in my past?  I do not know.

Yesterday, my chemistry class was an immense waste of my time that would have been better spent elsewhere.  I do not appreciate my professor changing deadlines and assignments every day.   I do not appreciate his inability to communicate clearly and concisely.  I do not appreciate wasting a semester attempting to learn physical chemistry from my modern physics professor.  I do not appreciate the added burden my class has placed on my inorganic professor to explain and clarify our murky understanding of pchem material.  We had a quiz.  I passed it.  We reviewed for our final.  We took a break.  I found some chocolate and left.  I think I gained five pounds.  Grosse.

Je suis très fatigué.  Je m'ennuie avec la vie.  Je suis paresseuse.  Il faut que j' écrive un papier de chimie.  Mais, je ne veux pas l'écrire.  Ma vie n'est rien.  Ce n'est pas vrai.  Je veux me coucher et dormir.  Aujourd'hui, je serai mechante.  Demain, je serai heureuse et contente.  Mon humeur ne durera pas longtemps.

Appréciez votre jour,
Mandee

My morning consisted of the usual 'I hate Monday' ritual as a I sat at my desk, attempting to focus on my relatively uninteresting work while I contemplated whether or not I should go to class.  I had decided that taking an early lunch to study at Starbucks would be better use of my time than actually attending class when the announcement was made that a shooting had occurred at Virginia Tech and the death toll was above twenty and rising.  My morning changed.  I do not know anyone that attends or works for Virginia Tech, but someone does.  Someone is hurting. Someone is enraged.  Someone is blaming someone else.  Someone is asking, "Why?"  Someone is blaming God for allowing this.  My heart breaks for someone.

Yes, I am eating pie for breakfast, the banana cream variety too.  Since it is banana, I am sure it is nutritious. 

This week has been less than enjoyable.  My best laid plans seem to fall into an abyss of disappointment.  My future is cloudy, my past does not make me proud or inspire me and the present is suffocating me.  I feel so behind, so unintelligent, so not ready to reach the light at the end of the tunnel.  If I remain in the tunnel, I shall be hit by the train I fit into it using relativity.  Should a class make me feel as though I have lost all mental capacity?  Perhaps that is my issue: I am losing brain cells instead of gaining knowledge.  I need to read more fiction to counteract the effects of all these facts.

When I read a book, I place myself in the timeframe of the characters, attempting to understand their decisions and why the author endowed them with the flaws they portray.  I envision myself in the author’s mind, attempting to comprehend his intent, trying to identify the heuristic used to write the next sentence, analyzing the use of literary devices to enunciate or jumble the meaning of his words.  I often believe I would gladly trade my reality for a fictional narrative.  I would rather be the girl in the clichéd romance than living the reality that clichés do not exist in our world.  I wonder if those who read my story do the same… (Please read my story and tell me what you think, I will love you more than pink flip-flops)

I found the perfect bag last night: UnderOath, inexpensive, pink.  I also found a prize for my sibling.  I love her.  I miss her.  I wish she was here to converse with until late at night, to spend my Saturdays with her doing random things.

Enjoy your day,
Mandee

I have the very unwholesome sentiment that I would like to end the life of my physical chemistry professor.  I dislike him so such an extent, I believe I would be doing a service for future students.  However, I shall maintain this schwarmerei in my mind and stay my hand from action.

All this to say, I have updated my story again and I would greatly appreciate your criticism.  So far, I have received reviews from only one person and I disagree with their opinions, though I still respect them.  I would like to know what other readers think, so please share your thoughts.

Thank you,
Mandee

Do hear that sound? 
The peasants are rejoicing because I have updated my story on fictionpress! 
I have made a few changes since posting it initially on this site, so please head over and peruse for your reading pleasure.  Furthermore, any feedback would be adored :)

Love,
Mandee

If you would like to view a snapshot of my adventures this week, please visit this site.

Enjoy your weekend,
Mandee

You should read my new blog post.  It will bring you joy.

Love,
Mandee