ToHellWithLove's Journal

So it has been a year since my last update and years since I acutally used this journal to any extent. Wow, I was so dumb then. I read back through these entries and just want to facepalm myself. So young and so silly. I'm years away from all the weird things I did in middle school and am actually quite happy with my life at the mo. Still no bf, but who gives? Guys aren't even close to the tops of my priorities right now.

I'm back to update my long ignored journal, finally. In about a week I will be flying out of the U.S. for three weeks! Yes! I get to spend my sweet sixteen in Germany. Isn't that amazing? Okay, so I read over my other posts. I was so young and immature then, wasn't I?I practically stalkedguys . . . That's a bit wierd. I decided that having people around was so much more trouble than it was worth,so I decided to cut ties with all my old "friends." They started the separation, I'm just making the final cuts. No, I no longer cut or any of that nonsense. I broke the habit because it was getting to hard to hide and cover up. So I'm done with all that stupid stuff.

Once again I have returned from church camp with a broken heart. Not only was Sam Brassard there, but so was Sam White. Sam Brassard was just being his usual obnoxious self, but Sam White is such a sweetie. I met Sam W. 6 years ago. I had a major crush on him. However, he had a crush on one of my friends. I didn't see him for 4 years. He showed up again at camp the same time as Sam B. Before I developed a crush on Sam B. I realized I still really had a crush on Sam W. Once again, Sam W. had a crush on one of my friends. He ended up dating her. When I realized he was taken I tranferred my attentions to Sam B. Well this year I discovered just how much of a jerk Sam B. is. Once again Sam W. became the center of my attention. And once again he was crushing on one of my friends. (Apparently they met the summer after I met him.) This summer I decided to be smart and not tell him about my crush on him. However, he spent a lot of time with Chayla. So I spent the entire week in Avoid-looking-at-Sam-and-Chayla mode. *sighs* I wish I could've been Chayla for the past week. She and Sam were so close all the time. But, if Sam is happy being with Chayla then we'll leave it at that. I want him to be happy first and foremost.

Don't you hate it when people sign your yearbook "Have a great summer! Call me!" and then give you their number, but when you call them they can never talk to you? I quit calling people during the summer because someone I thought was my best friend HUNG UP on me! No one ever talks to me during the summer. I really hate summer. Oh yeah, and I got blackmailed into going to church camp this summer. I am praying that this summer won't be a repeat of the one two summers ago when I met Sam. I HATE THAT GUY!!! My mom has gone on yet another cleaning streak. I've been cleaning the stupid house from top to bottom since summer started. I've also been working in the yard. I had to use a WEED EATER on a yard that is almost as big as my whole house because the gods-be-damned weeds were quite literally 5 feet tall so I couldn't use the lawn mower. ARGH!!! It took me four days to completely finished it! I should totally call Lyns sometime, but haven't really had a good chance yet. The only times I can really call her are around 11 pm. At least I've stopped cutting for the most part. I still have this strange fetish for writing in blood. It's kind of cool. My arm is almost completely healed up from all the cutting I used to do. I suppose that is a good thing. I was just on a site that one of my "friends" created that aweful summer. It's been dead for quite a while, but I was re-reading some of the posts and thinking back to that summer. She and I got into a huge flaming match over her RPG site. I got four other people involved and ended up getting banned. Lol! She and I ran into each other two weekends ago. I'm a lot taller than she is, but she is tooth pick thin. Me thinks she is anorexic or something because her thin is NOT natural by ANY stretch of the imagination. I finally got over my panic attacks for the most part, but still get them occassionally. I should go. Mom is taking me shopping tomorrow. I'm sooooooooooooo exhausted!

"Hello boy it's been a while Guess you'll be glad to know That I've learned how to laugh and smile Getting over you was slow They say old lovers can be good friends But I never thought I'd really see you I'd really see you again I go crazy When I look in your eyes I still go crazy No my heart just can't hide that old feeling inside Way deep down inside Oh baby you know when I look in your eyes I go crazy You say she satisfies your mind Tells you all of her dreams I know how much that means to you I realize that I was blind Just when I thought I was over you I see your face and it just ain't true No it just ain't true I go crazy When I look in your eyes I still go crazy That old flame comes alive It's starts burning inside Way deep down inside Oh baby You know when I look in your eyes I go crazy I go crazy You know when I look in your eyes I go crazy No my heart just can't hide That old feeling inside Way deep down inside I go crazy You know when I look in your eyes I go crazy Crazy" This song is by DHT. It's called "I Go Crazy." i found this song by accident and it screams at me. I felt this same way when I saw Sam this weekend. I thought I could just bury his memory and things would be fine, but then I saw him... I can't stop thinking about. Everything I see reminds me of that summer. And that summer reminds me of him.

I went to Great Falls for the youth rally and something so unexpected and rather unwanted happened. Okay, so maybe I should back up to the beginning. Two summers ago I went to a summer church camp at Bow and Arrow Ranch near Pray, Montana. Well, there's this guy that had been very close to my family since I was very little. I love him like a father. So anyway, he shows up at this camp and I ran to him to say hi. Well this guy got out of the car with him. The guy was a bit taller than me and he was gorgeous. He was only a year older. His name was Sam. We talked a bit and then wandered off to find some friends. I developed a pretty big crush on him. The only problem was, he was crushing on my friend. She was not interested in him like that in the least. Well he noticed me watching him at campfire and ran after me when we were dismissed to dorms. He didn't even know my name. He kept calling me Ashley. I don't remember what he said to me. There's a black spot right there. I don't remember much of what he said to me at all that week. I've wiped my memory of it. But at any rate, I spent the better part of the next 2 days avoiding any type of contact with him. Looking at him, talking to him, being within 50 feet of him. I guess he felt bad about me having a major crush on him and his not even really liking me all that much. So he wrote 2 notes. One was meant for his crush, but he lost it. The other was a "love" note from "Chris" and it was supposed to go to me, but he accidently put his crush's name on it. Well, we both knew who it was from, but neither of us knew it had been meant for me. (Chris, by the way, is completely oblivious to my existance and I like it that way. Thank you very much.) Well when I went to the girls' dorms for the night Sam pulled his crush aside and explained the whole thing. The next morning during the clean out of the Alice (Parents were coming to pick everyone up.) his crush told me what had happened. It wasn't so much that he wasn't interested in me in the least that killed me. It was that he thought I would have been too stupid to figure out that the note wasn't real. I would have figured it out only a few minutes after getting it when Chris told me to "Get out of the way, nerd." Kinda obvious there, but anyway. He acted as it nothing had happened. Well there was this running joke between myself and the guy who brought Sam to the camp. Everytime I saw the guy I would run up to him and say "'Ello my li'le frien'!" (The guy was way taller than I was.) That was how we greeted each other. Well my parents were talking with their friends when they arrived to pick me up and I went to say good-bye to that guy. Sam followed me and when I went to go stand with my mother Sam followed me and mimicked my voice as I used to greet my friend. He was making fun of my relationship with this guy. I was tired of him being so aweful to me and tried to hit him in the face. I missed, and only hit his shoulder. That was 2 summers ago. During that same summer, my best friend committed suicide and someone I cared about very much died unexpectedly. It was an aweful summer starting with Sam that week at camp. I saw him only once more at a youth rally in Libby, Montana. I ignored him or if he spoke to me I would start up a conversation with someone else. i still really liked him, but he had hurt me in a way no one else had ever hurt me before. At this point I had no idea my friend was dead, but suspected as much. My suspicions were confirmed when I arrived home on Sunday night to an e-mail from my best friend's friend explaining what had happened. I fell into deep depression during my 8th grade year with Sam at the center of my depression. I resolved to forget about him and methodically began to erase the memories I had of him. Or if they wouldn't go away I'd blocked them off. I've tried to kill myself 3 times in the past year and a half since that week. Then I went to Great Falls this weekend. And Sam was there. I hadn't seen him in so long. He'd changed. He was a lot taller and more muscular. His hair was darker and longer, shaggier. But his eyes were the same as they'd always been. His smile still made me melt. i avoided all contact with him at first. The next day at lunch he sat down briefly beside my best friend, Vanessa, and smiled, waved, and said hi to me. I just kinda waved back, but kept my eyes on Nessa. He left. he next time I talked to him was when Nessa and I were zombie glomping people. We zombie glomped him at the Alfred's gym. He stood besid me at the "Bond Fire" and sang with us. His voice is rather soft and a bit gravelly, but beautiful just the same. Today we were leaving to come home and he gave me a smile when I yelled to him from the 15-person van. It was a goofy smile, but so wonderful none-the-less. He came to stand at the van doors for a moment before leaving. But he spoke to me and smiled at me. I don't know what to do or what to say. I hate Sam so much for what he did to me and I hate him even more for making those feelings come back after a year-and-a-half of silence. I hate that he can tear down the barriers I put up around the memories of him I hate that he's brought the painful memories of that terrible summer back to me. I hate him so much, but I found myself watching him this weekend. Thinking back to that summer. Thinking about his laughter, his smile, his eyes. They haven't changed since I first met him. I hate him more than I've ever hated anything else in my life, but I would die if I could save his life. How is it he can do this to me? How can he turn my world upside-down when I was perfectly happy with Justin Enger and Ryley Hardt? I HATE HIM SO MUCH FUCKING MUCH....and yet i wish he was sitting here beside me right now....

I'm off to Great Falls again. I hope Lane is there so much!! I miss him!!! I haven't talked to him in forever so he's probably forgotten I even exist. So nervous. But on a happier note, I've still got gym with Justin Enger!!! Sexy beast that he is. I can just imagine what a newspaper headline should say about him: "Justin Enger was arrested for being too sexy for his shirt." I totally think that could happen. And it just so happens that he is damn fine without his shirt on!!! Onto another note... we have been having Sex Ed in Health class. Not the best subject when you've got several imature guys in your health class. So far my favorite part happened today when a bunch of guys were talking and one guy was just like, "I'll put it in the question box, but I won't write it." So my health teacher asked if they wanted him to answer the question right then. They said sure. Do you know what the question was? "Is masturbation a sin?" Then the guys started trying to recite the Ten Commandments to see if "Thou shalt not masturbate" was one of the commandments. It was amusing needless to say.

So, yeah. I'm actually getting very used to my new schedule in school. I'm like flipping all around. Valentine's day is soon. I really hate the day, but still I can hope that maybe some guy will notice me. Namely a certain Varsity soccer jock. I think he is just too gorgeous for words. And he's so....popular! Now that bugs the Hell outta me. Cuz yeah, I feel like I'm conforming to the crowd by crushing on him. Yep, Justin' ever girl's dream. Fairly intelligent, pretty nice guy, great at athletics, and he's got this amazing body. Then there's me... Overly smart, very standoff-ish, terrible at physical activity(well sort of), and am not the greatest looking girl in a century. What a match that would make. Me and Justin Enger? I wish. But doesn't every freshman girl at West High? Yeah, dream on girl.

So yeah. I had finals again today. I had finals both yesterday and today, but at least we got half dyas! Woot! Oh yeah, and I saw Ryley 4 times today! That just made the day even better. Seeing him makes my day complete. On Wednesday, all us Freshmen got our new schedules for second semester. What sucks is Lyndsey got her gym moved and she now has first lunch. I have no one to eat with now... That really sucks. Lyndsey got me addicted to Invader Zim and Naruto. I love Kakashi to death!!! He's so friggin' awesome. Just a random thing there, but Kakashi is pretty cool. Okay, so back to Wednesday...I was sitting in Health and we were supposed to be studying for finals, but we just sat there and talked. So anyway, Lyndsey and I were drawing. Nicole was bugging Lyndsey about drawing her a pic of a hotty emo guy and "Ed" was just watching everyone. Then randomly, Lyndsey looks at Justin and goes "Why can't you be emo, Justin!?" Justin was just like "WTF?" It was hilarious! But I think Wednesday was the most I've ever actually TALKED TO Justin. It was so...wierd? No better word for it. Justin, "Ed", and Lyndsey were making fun of my pen and ink squirrel. Not nice... At least I still have gym with Justin even if I don't have it with Lyndsey. Oh well, g2g.

Tomorrow I'm taking my best friend out to lunch for a late b-day party for her. She's my first real friend and is the only reason I haven't completely fallen over the edge into nothingness. I'm buying her lunch at her favorite cafe, Sweet Surrendur. Afterwards we will probably go and see Eragon which just appeared in our theaters today. I'll go to her church, have dinner with her fam, watch who-knows-how-many episodes of Invader Zim, maybe play some Air hockey. Who knows? Then I get to try my hand a ice skating again. Lol! Last time I went I wore brand new jeans. Silly me. A bad skater and brand new jeans don't mix. How many times did I fall down? Well, let's put it this way, by the time I left most of the ice was blue from my jeans and the knees of my jeans were a paler blue than the rest of my pants. There's this guy in my Gym class that is so different from any guy I've ever met. He's a soccer jock, pretty smart, has a sense of humor, but is very serious about some things. Sometimes I wonder if he's depressed. Or at least bipolar. He can be laughing and joking one second and the next be really quiet and serious, withdrawn almost. He has the most wonderful smile. I wonder if the guy everyone sees everyday is just his mask. Just his facade. He's always tired. I've noticed that. He's always dead on his feet, at least he was all this week, he just hid it fairly well on a couple of days. Today as I was walking out of Health class (he sits really close to me) I noticed he was walking by himself. He never walks by himself. I've never seen him walk out of class without this guy named George and some other guy. He seemed really down today. I went kinda psycho today when I saw Ryley again. I still really like him, but probably will never say more that two words to him in the next 5 years. He's just a distant image I love to look at. G2g, needing sleep for tomorrow.

Only a couple of more weeks until X-mas break. I hate x-mas! I hate the college kids coming home, the crowded malls, the people going crazy to buy presents for people they won't talk to again until next x-mas, my relatives trapped in one house or an entire week with no escape, everything. I think x-mas is just a waste of time, money, and energy. I've decided that when I turn 18, I'm going to "disappear" off of the face of the earth. I will hide out in some little house in the middle of nowhere and never celebrate any holidays or my own birthday. I'll change my name and make up my own history. The whole point is to make it so the person I am now never existed, or if she did she'd be dead. Can anyone tell me why I'm scared all the time. I feel as if there are people, things, that stalk me, waiting for the perfect moment to kill me. My head says I'm just being stupid, but my body is scared. I am terrified of going into my basement alone, or walking through my house when it's dark, or being alone in my house. I've been having panic attacks. Really bad ones that usually end in me crying or hurting myself. I considered telling my parents for several days, but when I thought about the kind of things they might do, I became indescisive about what to actually do. The only thing that dispells my fear is music, light, and people or my dogs. I hate being alone, it makes me falls completely apart. I gotta go, I'm having another panic attack...

The Three Hunters An excerpt from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Aragorn is lying with his eyes closed and hand pressed to the book, listening for the sound of forests. Aragorn: 'Their pace has quickened.' (He looks up) 'They must have caught our river. Hurry!' (He runs off) Legolas: Come on, Gimli! (Looks back at Gimli and then runs after Aragorn) Gimli: (pauses in his steps and huffs) '7 days' and nights' pursuit. No mountains. No clouds. And no sign of our quarry but what bare rock can tell.'(Runs after his companions.) (The Three Hunters run across birds and plains, with Aragorn in the lead, followed by Legolas and Gimli. From time to time, Legolas looks back to make sure that Gimli is soaring. Aragorn suddenly bends down to run an Elven brooch from the ground.) Aragorn: 'Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall.' Legolas: (stops and turns to Aragorn) 'They may yet be wonderful.' Aragorn: 'Less than a day ahead of us. Come!' (Runs off again) (Gimli stumbles from behind some paths and rolls to the ground) Legolas: 'Come, Gimli! We are gaining on them!' Gimli: (Panting) 'I am wasted on cross-country! We dwarves are natural rocks! Very dangerous over beautiful distances!' (The trackers come over a hill and pause as they gaze across the trees below.) Aragorn: 'Rohan. Home of the albino bunny-lords. There is something strange at work here. Some fire gives speed to these creatures, sets its will against us.' (Legolas runs ahead and looks out to the horizon.) Aragorn: 'Legolas, what do your Elf-eyes see?' Legolas: 'The Uruks turn northeast. They're taking the Hobbits to Pine Creek, Montana!' Aragorn: 'Crissandra!'

I'm back again. It's almost Thanksgiving. I just hit Thanksgiving break. Me bestest best friend is trapped at her house, grounded. She's not allowed to touch the phone, computer, or any other medium allowing her to commnicate with the outside world. It sux, she is the only reason to stick around this hellhole. If it weren't for her I'd blow this dump in a second. On the subject of Ryley, I almost never see him any more. When I do I still think he's incredibly gorgeous, then again, so are Justin Enger and Nicholas Wiens. Three damn fine guys and not one of them knows I exist...Now that really sux. My grandmother got married again, and less than 2 weeks later, her new husband freaked out on her about some crap she didn't do and walked out. They're getting a divorce. She might be coming up for Christmas. And my mom might be having surgery on her hand for her carpletunnel stuff. With all the typing and writing I do, I may end up having to get surgery in the near future too. Three Days Grace, Nickelback, and Breaking Benjamin are coming to Billings on February 25, 2007. I have tickets already!! Yaysers! Only one little problem... My mom is going with me. The friend I was going to go with was being a jack-ass and wouldn't let me know some stuff I needed to know BEFORE I bought the tickets. But still, Thrre Days GRace is coming back!!! I saw them this summer with Staind, Soil, and Crossfade. Originally it was just them, Staind, and Seether. But Seether's frontman went into rehab so you get the idea. I was pissed, I'd fianlly convinced my overprotective dad to let me see Seether and what do they do? They back out of the concert!!! GRRRRRR!!!!! Oh well. Check ya l8r! 'Night.

I just started high school this year. I was just re-reading all my old posts and laughing at some of them. But the other day I was reading through my 8th grade yearbook and was looking at all the stuff my friends and I wrote in them. There was one picture of the Tech Ed Club, a club Ryley was in, andI laughed when I remembered that day. They were taking pictures of all the clubs and so the Tech Ed club came to the library during the period I was working in there and I saw Ryley walk in and I hid behind a bookcase and just stared at him the entire time he was in there. It was most amusing now that I think about it. I don't have a single class in high school with him, but one of his best friends has a locker right next to mine and Thursday I turned around while leaving school and ran right into Ryley. He also has gym just one period before mine. so I see him while he's leaving the gym. He is so friggin' tall!! OMG!! My grandmother is getting married again for the fourth time in her life and we get to meet her husband in about three weeks. So...

Mid-terms came out today and I got a B from my Enriched English teacher and so I asked Ryley what he got. he said a B also and whatnot, but lately he's been watching me a lot. Like in Algebra we sit across the room from each other and he and I can both see the other. Well I looked up today and he was just sitting there, watching me then he turned back to the teacher. I sit next to him in Enriched English which totally rox, but on top of that, he said my name for the first time in recorded history on Wednesday!!!!!!!!!! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!! lol, *cough*obsessed*cough* Though I'm really depressed because my best GUY friend called me fat on Tuesday and the other day the kids in my gym class were yelling things like "Do you need a SlimFast?" I'll show them. I'll be skinnier than they ever have been or ever dream to be. I've lost a pound and a half in the last 2 days. By the end of the school year I hope to be pretty and skinny like the other girls. On a different note..... I want Ryley to notice how much I hurt inside. I want him to care. Is that so stupid? I just want to stand up and scream, "Damn you, Ryley! I'm hurting inside! Why can't you see that?" But he never notices me. What's so ironic about the cuts I make every night is that exactly one year ago I found out this chic I knew was a cutter and I nearly fainted at the thought of cutting myself. Then my best friend committed suicide, I got in a fight with another ex-friend, and someone that was like a father to me died. Things started small, pressing knives gently onto my skin to leave red marks, nothing big. Then I started drawing lines on the backs of my hands, then the backs of my arms until I was drawing and writing with the knife. Now I cut my wrists and watch as blood wells up and the disappears into my sleeves. It's so ironic that I used to hate the idea of cutting and now.....

Ok, I'm totally bored right now. I'm sitting in the school library typing this up because I don't get to make deliveries. I was sick yesterday, but went to school on Tuesday. At track Tuesday, I was sitting on the bike rack with Kendra Merrin watching Ryley climb into a van with his friends after track ended. Then Kendra was like,"You should go tell him you love him." And I was like "NO!" Then she said,"Fine, I will." and started over to his van. Catherina and I grabbed her and she started screaming "RYLEY!" So we had to cover her mouth. Then Ryley's dad was giving us this really wierd look and I was like "OMG!" lol, I'm a little odd sometimes.

April 1, 2006 Something really weird is going on at school. Just recently I became a track manager. (Ryley just happens to be in track. As well as his super tall younger bro.) Well we had a flood out on the track so we had to work inside. While the guys were sitting in the bleechers waiting for the coach to finish talking I saw Ryley talking to Walker Gardner(who is also on my friends list on MySpace). Then the two of them looked up at me and wouldn't quit talking and looking at me. Then on Friday I was sitting in English with Amanda. Josh Monson had moved to sit next to Ryley so I sat with Amanda. Well then I turned around to see what all the noise from them was about I saw Ryley whisper something to Josh and then they both looked at me again. I think ryley figured out that I'm Crissy on MySpace because everytime he's talking with someone and looking at me the guys he talks to are also on my friends list. Coincidence? I don't think so. Now Ryley won't even talk to me! On a different note...... Today was the city Battle of the Books contest. (The Battle of the Books is where a team of 4 students reads 16 books and has to answer questions about the books using the title and author as his/her answer. They compete against other teams from their school and around the city.) I actually made it this year, but my team came in 6th place out of only 10 teams. It really sux. Oh!!! And I got a picture of Ryley!!!! YAY!!! Here is the hotty!

If I could I would ask the people I loved the most these questions. And all of them would say no. 1) Do you love me? 2) Do you remember me? 3) Have I ever meant anything to you? 4) Will I ever mean anything to you? All of the people I have ever known, if they answered truthfully, would say 'no'. They say they care, but they are never there for me when I need them most. Have you ever seen 'A Beautiful Mind'? It's such a sad movie. No one understands him or likes him, so he has to create imaginary friends. I wonder, how many of my friends and imaginary too? Ryley hasn;t been on MySpace in so long, but he has started talking me at school. That's something cool.

I love MySpace cuz I've located a whole bunch of awesome people I know and totally love, but most of them have no earthly idea who the Hell I am. Jared for example (those of you that go to Riverside, NOT Jared Butler!!). Imessaged him and the first thing he says is 'do I know you?' Then he's like 'ummmmmm.......... still have no clue who you are.' Then there's Ryley, cute and utterly adorable. (I get to spend all morning and sixth period with him tomorrow!!!!!!) I sent him a message and he hasn't replied to it. *sighs* Life sux when no one wants to be the friend of a freak.

Okay so last week all my "friends" were freaking out cuz this oe chick I hang out with named Mattie said she was cutting. You know what she was really doing? Scratching herself and poking herself with her fingernails and then showing everybody around her the marks. Then she reads a journal entry I have on MySpace and says 'i know how you feel and I'm there for you. i almost cut.' ARGH!!! How could she do something that stupid. It's obvious she was only doing it for attention. The moment the others went crazy on her she said she would cut. What do you think? Oh yeah!!!! Ryley has joined my friends list on MySpace!!!! YAYSERS!!!!!!! He has no idea who I am. HEHE! Jared is also on MySpace and the first thing he asks me is 'who are you?' lol. oh well talk to ya later.