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January 23, 2010

Juicy Details You Won't Want to Miss...

We kissed. We've been kissing. I almost slept with him, but that really IS cheating, and I can't bring myself to do that...

I really wish I was kidding.

I also really wish I could justify my actions.

It's one of those situations where you just have to sigh and tell yourself, "Life isn't fair."

I've never met someone who understands me so thoroughly, without having to speak a word. I think that comes with age, and it scares me that I seem to relate more to older men than I do to guys my own age. I've learned more lessons about myself recently, and some of them aren't so pleasant.

I spent two weeks in Florida, living in the same house as him. I held out for a while, but I think I knew it was only a matter of time before I wore down. Thankfully, I'm now back in Maryland, and I have a little over a week to pull myself together.

It's tough being back with my boyfriend. I don't know if 'guilt' is the right word. It feels more like I had to stuff the new me back into my old skin. It's the very essescence of living a double life. I just keep telling myself that I'm young and stupid, but I don't think that excuse counts when you're fully aware of your actions. I always try so hard to be perfect, but I think that makes it even worse when I make a mistake, or rather, have a lapse in judgement.

It's all very confusing, and I'm trying really hard not to make any decisions. I know that's not the proper way to handle this, my boyfriend deserves better, but life is messy sometimes.

When I was sitting in the airport waiting to come home, I was absolutely terrified. I didn't know how I would feel, or if I could keep my secret. It's tough walking into a house knowing that you did something that no one would approve of: parents, boyfriend, society. I bet all of you are even rolling your eyes wondering if there is something wrong with me, and I wouldn't blame you. I keep asking myself that question. But I can say this without hesitation: Imagine your perfect counterpart, only he's too old for you. The feelings are there, the attraction, the mental simulation and intellectual conversations. He finishes your sentences, shrugs off your flaws, tells you you're beautiful with or without make-up, and most importantly, knows what you're thinking just by looking at your eyes. It's incredible...and so completely forbidden.

I've always known that each guy I dated got more and more perfect for the person I was becoming. I didn't always realize it while I was in the relationship, but in hindsight, I knew I had outgrown them. Of course, it would be just my luck that the guy who fits me perfectly is too old and untouchable.

I'm happy with my boyfriend. I think I could probably spend my life with him and not be completely miserable, but something about the past two weeks woke me up.

Help me?

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